Learning to trust myself II

[heatherg]

Yeah, you used the words "can sometimes convince their partner to do the moving out" and to me, it does seem like that's what it would be. Seems interesting and really convenient that some women convince their partners to leave, keep their kids and the house, AND their spouse's paycheck. Hmm. If my H was that convinceable, we'd be separated. I was reading on someone's thread last night about a couple who is divorced, but for the sake of the kids, still do soccer games, etc as a family. That's awesome and if I had an inkling that things could be like that in my situation, I honestly think I'd take it. I think my H has already demonstrated he will be very ugly if things came down to a separation. Knowing what I would go through and what my kids would go through if I left keeps me right where I am.
I'm having a pity party this morning, can you tell?! My PMA started slipping yesterday (after a REALLY great day Sat) and this morning I woke up really angry again.
Angry that I'm still sleeping on the couch and in the guest room. Angry that despite of last statement we are still having sex. Angry that he does not respect the things I say and in fact laughs at me and tells me I'm irrational. Angry that he notices I have changed but acknowledges it only to to use as his proof that I was irrational before. Angry that I'm the one reading Relationship Rescue et al while he calmly and openly admits that he has not changed. Angry that he refuses to give up the habit that he knows tears me down (porn). Angry that he goes to Hooters to watch the football games when he's out of town while I am barely allowed out. Angry that he has the power to actually do all these things.
Maybe I'm back to being angry b/c I'm pushing myself too hard to bring back loving feelings, etc. They're just not freakin there for me, is that OK? Today I'm just sick of Michele and Dr.Phil and whoever else telling me that the fate of my M is in my hands, that I have the power to change it. That love is a verb and I can bring back loving feelings. Loving feelings is just too damn much to ask for right now. But limbo sucks too. Ya know? Of course you do.
He told me he's coming back Friday. I think that brought on the whole thing. I wish he would just not come home. Just disappear. How's that for selfish?