Learning to trust myself II

[heatherg]

If you're irrational it means I don't have to listen to you. There's no reason for me to even consider what you're saying because it's irrational. And it means we should obviously do things my way because I'm rational and you're not.

See, this is a great reason for me to listen to my inner voice!! I really feel that this is exactly what he's doing, conscious or not, he's dismissing everything he wants to dismiss based on irrationality. Is that a word?? I'll ask H he seems to be such a freakin expert on the topic.

If it sounds good and seems to be logical but is actually bullsh1t, then that is Tracy-logic.

Thank you for that!! That is awesome. I don't even think I'll change the name if you don't mind!!

Erk. I don't wanna write this post.

BTW, I think it's really great that you recognize negative traits that you've had in the past and you have the guts to stand up and say yep, that was me. But it's not anymore. I'm so proud of you!!! You've been such a stand up guy Bud.

It might also be helpful to note that to old-me, "irrational" and "emotional" might as well be the same word. If you make an emotional decision that means you considered more than just the facts so you weren't in a position to make the best possible decision.

I suppose this is where I started to minimize the use of the term. Because I truly cannot disagree that I've reacted emotionally, in which case I suppose you could also say that I indeed had not considered all the facts. But that doesn't mean that my actions/reactions over this past year were not valid, which is what I really feel he was saying.

[NYsurvivor]

Heather, this whole thing about analyzing what Matt's doing by calling you "irrational", "emotional", et al, has got you doing to him what he's doing to you. It's making you feel things and attributing motives to him... these are the very same things we learn bring down communication. I'd say, let it go.

that the less I give him when he is confrontational, the less he has to grab onto and run with... LESS IS MORE HEATHER!!!

What do you think of this:
"Matt, I feel like you were trying to tell me something genuine last night, although I really stopped listening at the point where I felt you were attacking my sanity. I'd like to hear what you wanted to say. From past discussions, I've heard you say that you are concerned with my family's perceptions of you as a result of what I may or may not have told them about you. This is a valid concern. Is that how you feel?"

Whoa!! What's the long version?

Here's my idea of the short version:

"Are you concerned with my family's perceptions of you?"

Here's my idea of how the conversation would go better:

Matt: You bet. You've tainted them against me with your talking about me.

Heather: I'm sorry you think that. My conversations with my family were about the way I felt.

Matt: The way you felt, but not the truth!

Heather: Well they do say there's two sides to every story. I was telling them my side of the story. Would you like to tell them your side?

Matt: It's too late for that now, the damage is done.

Heather: And what is the damage?

Matt: They don't like me. So that will influence everything they do that regards me.

Heather: So... why are you letting that affect you?

Matt: Because it's not right!

Heather: It may not be right, but how does being angry at them or me, or blaming them or me, make it better?

Matt: You think you're so smart, huh?

Heather: That's not the question. The question is, if being angry with me or them doesn't make things better, then what's the point to continue this blame?

[heatherg]

Heather, this whole thing about analyzing what Matt's doing by calling you "irrational", "emotional", et al, has got you doing to him what he's doing to you. It's making you feel things and attributing motives to him...

Yes, well I suppose I don't have to over analyze to know it wasn't good intentions though right? I mean, he can't have been sitting there after I hung up going "Geez, what was *her* problem?" DUH!!! Oh well. Did you feel that? I just let it go. Hmm, can you see where I'd be easy to control???

Here's my idea of how the conversation would go better:

I like that version. Can I email him his lines so he can prepare beforehand? Really, thank you for the different angle on the conversation. That stuff helps me probably more than you realize as my communication skills are severely defective it seems.

[heatherg]

After H spoke with the kids last night, we talked. Per NY's advice, I didn't bring up the 'irrational' conversation. I just spoke as if it was any other night. You know, based on the definitions I found, I would entertain a conversation on how he viewed my actions over this past year. I would. But the terms he's using indicate that it's a pretty weighty subject and can't be used as a preface to make another point. Ya know? You can't just throw in these huge deragatory slams and then move on to some supposedly even bigger point. So, I'm definitely still thinking about this b/c it is bound to come up again and I want to be able to clearly respond. But I will not bring it up I promise.

In a post somewhere on Anna's thread I think, she spoke about being impeccable with her words. I think that is something I too should work on...

For reading, I'm in the middle of Relationship Rescue and just started Women Who Run with The Wolves. Relationship Rescue really is a good book, I've found it to be practical and straightforward. I also bought the KLA CDs and listen to them in my car. I'm going to start getting more audio books b/c my time is so limited, but I do spend a lot of my time in the car.

There is a mngmt meeting for work that is invitation only to Annapolis and I was invited. Spouses are also invited and H told me he would come so I RSVPd for both of us. I was really looking forward to it because we've never really went anywhere just the two of us, away from the kids. I mean even to have a dinner without the kids would be really unusual for us. I mentioned the trip last night and he said he didn't realize it was a Thurs, Fri, Sat and that he'd have to take two days off as opposed to one. So, now he said he might not be able to go. Depends on what is going on at work. I was disappointed. Even if he still goes, the disappointment won't entirely disappear b/c he clearly doesn't get it how important time alone is and why it needs to be a priority for us. Sigh.

[NYsurvivor]

I mentioned the trip last night and he said he didn't realize it was a Thurs, Fri, Sat and that he'd have to take two days off as opposed to one. So, now he said he might not be able to go.

Forgive my naitivity, but if he was available to go when he thought he'd only need to take one day off, why don't you go ahead on Thursday and he catches up with you on Friday?

[heatherg]

I suppose we could do that, but we'd have to take separate cars then. Annapolis is about 4 hours away. Double the gas money and with prices the way they are, that puts us paying somewhere around 5,000.00 too much, lol. But certainly, it can be done.

[NYsurvivor]

I suppose we could do that, but we'd have to take separate cars then. Annapolis is about 4 hours away. Double the gas money and with prices the way they are

If you guys want to work on reasonable compromises that yield win-win situations, put your money where your mouth is, ante up, pay the piper and feed the kitty. Do what's best for your relationship, not your freakin' wallet. Do you have any idea how much others would be willing to spend if they could only be reconciling with their spouses, hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?

[Burgbud]

Let me know what you think about the KLA CDs. I've thought about getting them but the name scares me. I could use something more like Bringing the Dismembered Corpse of Your Love Back to Life.

Also, if you're comfortable with it, drop me an email to: eggman AT iname DOT com.

[heatherg]

Alright NY, you're ASSuming my H really *wants* to go. Perhaps I should not ASSume he doesn't. I'm just thinking that the more negatives there are, the less likely he will go. This is about his wallet not mine, as I have to go regardless. Plus I have a working meeting on Friday that spouses will not be attending, so by not coming Thursday, the time we have together seriously declines.
However, I will suggest it and let him know that I was really looking forward to some time alone with him. I have been reluctant to disclose such details to him for fear that he will use the knowlede of what I want for some other purpose other than giving me what I want. Does that make sense? IOW, I don't trust him with my <irrational> feelings. The bracketed word should give you a clue as to why. But again, I have to put myself out there. I will start with this.

[heatherg]

Lol, Bud. I could see how the name might be a smidge scary! I do like the CDs. The audio is helpful. The more you hear this stuff, the more angles you uncover and the more you think of ways to apply it. So, I'd say it was a good investment.

When I talked to Matt tonight, he was talking about vacation days. He said "So, if I take a couple days to do the fence (that witch neighbor tore down, don't *even* get me started on that ) and a couple days to go to Annapolis, I should still be ok vacation wise. I said good, I was looking forward to you going, it will be nice to have some time to ourselves.

But, you know, now I'm thinking what about the vacation to Utah to see my sister in January? Yikes. I suppose I should also make sure he has that penciled in. I want to take at least 5 working days off. The airfare will be over $1,000.00 for us all to go so I'd like to stay a little while, ya know??

Bud, given the nature of my past indiscretions, I don't think Matt would take too fondly to seeing another man's email in my inbox, ya think??! Much in my life will never be the same, I think my freedom to have male friends, innocent as it may be is gone forever.