Learning to trust myself II

[heatherg]

He ackowledged it (good news), but not necessarily in a good way (not so good news) which I'm sure doesn't surprise anyone here. (Anna, say it. Heather's H can KMA!!)

I'm starting to feel left out Anna!! Everyone else's partner got a KMA!!

It's hard because we don't want to blow off our portion of responsibility for the sitches we're in.

It's quite a balance isn't it?

They both seem to want to categorize us to get something they want.

This is so true. In my case, H wants me to admit to being crazy b/c then a) he gets to dismiss all of my feelings and concerns of the past year by getting me to agree that I was 'crazy'. He takes no responsibility for *any*thing that way. And b) he gets to dismiss any changes I've made as simply 'returning to a human being'. He is sitting on the throne saying, 'Well Heather, this is the way you should have been all along, no cookies here'. And I don't want a freakin cookie anyway. Don't acknowledge a single change if you don't want, but don't acknowledge the changes and then twist them to use it to your advantage....that hurts It hurts because I've placed a lot of value and belief in the idea that by changing myself I can change my H. No one ever mentioned that your partner may accuse you of having been crazy before and the fact that you've made changes is just, in effect, an admission of your own guilt.

Bud, in your case, your W wants to categorize you as the 'person at fault in this divorce, b/c I cannot bear to own up to the idea that I am throwing my fixable M away and severely disrupting my childrens' lives forever so that I can be with another man'.

At my counseling session today, we did a little bit of role playing where I was supposed to be Matt. So I started off much like he started off with me last night. But my C's answers were so short that I couldn't really think of anything to say next. Point being that the less I give him when he is confrontational, the less he has to grab onto and run with. Now, I know this, we've talked about it. But actually doing the role playing thing as I struggled to come up with something to say next, really drove home the point. LESS IS MORE HEATHER!!! In the past, I have struggled with acting submissive with H, so I have been reluctant to practice silence or the less is more approach for fear that he would think I was agreeing with him.

You can validate his perception.

During the role play, it became obvious that the less I say, he will eventually prompt me for some sort of answer, even if it's in a rude way, like 'how are we supposed to have a conversation if you won't say anything?' at which point I can tell him that I understand that I may not always appear rational and an example might further clarify his point to me (thanks NY!).

I don't believe I'll let you shame me today Matt, if you don't mind!!! Ha!!

What do you think of this:
"Matt, I feel like you were trying to tell me something genuine last night, although I really stopped listening at the point where I felt you were attacking my sanity. I'd like to hear what you wanted to say. From past discussions, I've heard you say that you are concerned with my family's perceptions of you as a result of what I may or may not have told them about you. This is a valid concern. Is that how you feel?"

I need to start of with 'what I've heard you say' otherwise, he won't take the bait to enter into another discussion about it. Even with the bait, he may opt to pass on the discussion.