Heather, you've got to take matters into your own hands and out of his. He has to loosen his grip on this. It may be hard, but perhaps he'll rise to the occasion. It would be large of him to do so. But if he continues to act like a jerk off, you'll have to tell him to beat it. Good luck in handling this prickly situation.
I have to admit NY, when I read this post I did not detect one iota of sexual innuendo and planned to seriously comment on it later.....am I dense or what???? It wasn't until a post or two later that I realized what you guys were doing!! That is too funny for a bunch of reasons!!!
Well, my PMA was doing pretty good, now not so good. There is good news and not so good news. First the good news. My H sees a change in me. He ackowledged it (good news), but not necessarily in a good way (not so good news) which I'm sure doesn't surprise anyone here. (Anna, say it. Heather's H can KMA!!) He said he can pinpoint it to the day, the time even, where I became human again. Nice, huh? The even nicer thing is that the whole 'time' thing seems to *prove* that I was crazy before. He isn't acting any differently, so for me to so drastically change my behavior must mean that I have now returned to the world of the sane. And it means that since I was crazy, he doesn't have to validate or acknowledge anything that I've said or felt this past year. *AND* he gets to ridicule me for it by reiterating that I was crazy. I told him that there was not a 'time' that my changes happened, it was a process, is still a process. He said no it was not a process. There was no gradual improvement. It just was. I said that the situation he is referring to (which he couldn't expand on b/c he didn't remember, but yet the 'time' was so outstanding in his mind )was probably just an instance where I had effectively portrayed something that I have been internalizing for a very long time. He said oh, did you learn that online? I have to admit guys....I am not detached. He pissed me off BIG TIME. The whole conversation started b/c he said "you know, I've been thinking. Even before the thing with your dad you asked me why I felt your whole family was against me. I've determined that it's because you were irrational, spontaneous, had messed up views about our life and our marriage and you were spewing it all to them". Isn't that nice? I did not call names. I did not insult. But my voice raised and I repeated back all the things he said to me and said hmm, wonder why Heather doesn't want to continue this conversation? I told him I was not irrational but our last year has been very turbulent and many times during this year I had wanted to leave him and that may help explain some of my 'irrational behavior'. He was sure to point out that this was only his point of view. I told him I was not discussing this. Some other things were said about my family, a few sentences of rehashing things that have already been said. Then he got to the part above where he talked about the 'moment' I became a human being again and when I started talking about how change is a process that starts on the inside sometimes long before any outside difference in behavior is detected as one decides what their past mistakes have been, what they will take responsibility for and what they will not....can't remember exactly what else I said, but he started laughing. I verified that he was indeed laughing and I told him I was hanging up now. Bye. I could have handled it better. He already accuses me of being crazy, I have to be VERY careful about raising my voice. And I interrupt a lot when I see where the sentence is going, i.e. "you've been irrational, spontaneous..." Interrupt "what are you talking about?" That kind of stuff. Am I truly supposed to validate that BS???? Interrupting is never a good thing. What should I have done? I probably should have heard him out. Then just say I disagree, but I understand what you are saying.
Burgbud said something the other day about keeping the bad guy position vs giving it back to the other person. I just made a real connection here because I always end up feeling like the bad guy instead of letting him keep it. I got defensive. I interrupted. I raised my voice. I ultimately hung up on him. But *HE* was the one saying all the hurtful things. So there you go. WHY WHY WHY do I always take the bad guy position back in conflicts where H is the one being the creep????
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
)was probably just an instance where I had effectively portrayed something that I have been internalizing for a very long time. He said oh, did you learn that online? I have to admit guys....I am not detached. He pissed me off BIG TIME. The whole conversation started b/c he said "you know, I've been thinking. Even before the thing with your dad you asked me why I felt your whole family was against me. I've determined that it's because you were irrational, spontaneous, had messed up views about our life and our marriage and you were spewing it all to them". Isn't that nice? I did not call names. I did not insult. But my voice raised and I repeated back all the things he said to me and said hmm, wonder why Heather doesn't want to continue this conversation? I told him I was not irrational but our last year has been very turbulent and many times during this year I had wanted to leave him and that may help explain some of my 'irrational behavior'. He was sure to point out that this was only his point of view. I told him I was not discussing this. Some other things were said about my family, a few sentences of rehashing things that have already been said. Then he got to the part above where he talked about the 'moment' I became a human being again and when I started talking about how change is a process that starts on the inside sometimes long before any outside difference in behavior is detected as one decides what their past mistakes have been, what they will take responsibility for and what they will not....can't remember exactly what else I said, but he started laughing. I verified that he was indeed laughing and I told him I was hanging up now. Bye. 