Learning to trust myself II

[heatherg]

To me it's pretty clear why your H won't stop - because you want him to.

If I really believed it came down to this, I think it would be easier to 'not care' b/c I probably really wouldn't. But I do believe it's more than that-for a couple of different reasons. First of all, H has viewed pornography all along-I was just really good at practicing thought stopping. Out of mind, out of immediate problem scope, right? As it turns out, wrong. But that's not the point here. So, control sort of went out of our R about 5-6 years ago, at least to the extent that I allowed him to monitor what I wore, etc. and he greatly detached as far as what I did and/or where I went. So, if it's about control now, what was it about then? Could his motive change for the same behavior? Maybe I suppose. Then there's also the fact that the week after I revealed A, H revealed to me that he 'likes to look at beautiful women'. You know how a confession from one partner can spark a confession on something from the other partner? It was like this was his confession and he didn't want to have to feel guilty about it anymore. So it doesn't seem so much about control as it seems to be about him being a jerk. Oops, I didn't mean to say that out loud.

So folks, how does Heather take away H's power with the porn issue? Cuz I got no good answers!

I would love some more input on this! We've touched on it in my threads before, but mostly from the angle of 'why do men do it'.

On another note... how long have you been doing karate? Do you find that it's helped with your confidence? I'm considering something like that, since it's so out of character for me, and possible build up a neglected side of me (the assertive/confident and physical one). It just seems so much about respect etc that it might be good for me.

I *love* it. You're right, it definitely does require assertivenes. That's taken me right out of my comfort zone!!! Every time I accidentally scratch someone, I find myself apologizing . Girls generally don't grow up hitting each other and roughousing the way boys do, so I think it's especially challenging for us girls. Challenging in a good way. I highly recommend it.