The unfairness of it all has me in a pretty crappy place today. Can you tell?
I'm feeling particularly bitter myself. Read my thread if you don't believe me. Tell ya what...one day of basking in the heat of pure anger, hatred, and a bad case of the KMAs. Then Monday's a new week and it's all about the PMA, baybee.
What say you?
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Quote: I just started thinking about his pornography habit and how inferior it makes me feel. His determination to continue angers me to a point you cannot even begin to imagine b/c it does make me feel second best.
To me it's pretty clear why your H won't stop - because you want him to. I have an inkling that your H might be the teensiest bit controlling. He uses various things as weapons against you- your son, pornography, your family, karate etc. He knows how to keep you in line by making you insecure. So it has NOTHING to do with you, or your attractiveness or his desire for you. And everything to do with his need to control your confidence.
And how to take that power away? I guess the textbook answer is to "not care" so that it's not a weapon. But I appreciate how deeply personal sexuality and a sexual relationhip in a marriage are, so this is an issue that is hard to depersonalize, and maybe not healthy for you to choose to depersonalize. Especially as a means to get a desired result.
So folks, how does Heather take away H's power with the porn issue? Cuz I got no good answers!
On another note... how long have you been doing karate? Do you find that it's helped with your confidence? I'm considering something like that, since it's so out of character for me, and possible build up a neglected side of me (the assertive/confident and physical one). It just seems so much about respect etc that it might be good for me.
Quote: To me it's pretty clear why your H won't stop - because you want him to.
If I really believed it came down to this, I think it would be easier to 'not care' b/c I probably really wouldn't. But I do believe it's more than that-for a couple of different reasons. First of all, H has viewed pornography all along-I was just really good at practicing thought stopping. Out of mind, out of immediate problem scope, right? As it turns out, wrong. But that's not the point here. So, control sort of went out of our R about 5-6 years ago, at least to the extent that I allowed him to monitor what I wore, etc. and he greatly detached as far as what I did and/or where I went. So, if it's about control now, what was it about then? Could his motive change for the same behavior? Maybe I suppose. Then there's also the fact that the week after I revealed A, H revealed to me that he 'likes to look at beautiful women'. You know how a confession from one partner can spark a confession on something from the other partner? It was like this was his confession and he didn't want to have to feel guilty about it anymore. So it doesn't seem so much about control as it seems to be about him being a jerk. Oops, I didn't mean to say that out loud.
Quote: So folks, how does Heather take away H's power with the porn issue? Cuz I got no good answers!
I would love some more input on this! We've touched on it in my threads before, but mostly from the angle of 'why do men do it'.
Quote: On another note... how long have you been doing karate? Do you find that it's helped with your confidence? I'm considering something like that, since it's so out of character for me, and possible build up a neglected side of me (the assertive/confident and physical one). It just seems so much about respect etc that it might be good for me.
I *love* it. You're right, it definitely does require assertivenes. That's taken me right out of my comfort zone!!! Every time I accidentally scratch someone, I find myself apologizing . Girls generally don't grow up hitting each other and roughousing the way boys do, so I think it's especially challenging for us girls. Challenging in a good way. I highly recommend it.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
This is projection on my part but I don't think it's blind projection; many of the things he's done and said are quite similar to how I was about it. I agree with Heather that it's not mainly a control issue.
It's something he enjoys, and he doesn't believe it affects his interactions with his wife. He knows that it hurts her feelings but thinks that it shouldn't. If she would just acknowledge this, then he could go on peacefully with his pleasurable, harmless hobby. This is something very interesting and important to him and he shouldn't have to give it up just because she doesn't like it. Let's say he was a big baseball fan. If Heather didn't like baseball does that mean he should give it up forever? Can he not even watch a game when she's not home? What about when he's travelling for business?
So I think there are only two paths to getting him to stop. One is for him to become convinced that what he's doing is harmful to his interactions with his wife. That he acts differently because of it and this different behavior is a negative for their R. I think it would be very, very difficult to convince him of this because to him it would seem like he's being told he's not in control of his own behavior. That's tough to make someone believe who doesn't want to.
The second is to convince him that Heather's feelings about it, even if he doesn't understand why she has them, make her feel badly about herself. And that her need to feel good about herself in this area (being the priority in his life, being the woman he truly desires) outweighs his need to pursue this hobby. This would be tough as well because it's very important to him and her objection to it seems almost like an unreasonable whim. But I think this is more likely to work than the other option.
This concept was very tough for me. The idea that sometimes you do what your partner wants just because that's what they need. No matter how fair or unfair it may seem to you. You just let it go. You believe them when they tell you how they feel and you allow their feeling to be your priority. You feel good about yourself because you did something that was hard for you and made your partner feel better. I think women are better at this than men are, in general. I don't think you can do this all the time in an R because nobody can have their life dictated by someone else's feelings. But I'm convinced this issue falls into this category whether the men involved understand it or not.
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Heather, you've got to take matters into your own hands and out of his. He has to loosen his grip on this. It may be hard, but perhaps he'll rise to the occasion. It would be large of him to do so. But if he continues to act like a jerk off, you'll have to tell him to beat it. Good luck in handling this prickly situation.
NYS, reading your description makes me think this could be a long drawn-out process requiring a hands-on solution. Perhaps some extra friction would hasten the outcome?
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
Well, Bud, I agree this situation needs a vigorous shaking up, and, yes, hopefully handling matters in that way will hasten the outcome, and again, hopefully, such outcome won't erupt into anything too messy. But I'll bet H is rock hard in his resolve not to quit porn, and so, probably hopes Heather's grasp of this meaty matter comes to a climax with her blowing it.
. Girls generally don't grow up hitting each other and roughousing the way boys do, so I think it's especially challenging for us girls. Challenging in a good way. I highly recommend it.