Learning to trust myself II

[heatherg]

Are you thinking this is a set time every week where you *will* talk about it, or more like a set time when you are willing to talk about it if he wants/needs to? It doesn't seem like you'd want to have to talk about it.

I was thinking it would be more like a question and answer session, so if he didn't have anything to inquire about or to comment on, then I guess he'd be forfeiting until next time.

You set a boundary and enforced it. You're gonna have to do that and he's gonna have to get used to it.

I hadn't thought about it that way. He was trying to make me feel guilty for leaving the kids alone while he was in the shower. He typically takes 10 min showers and he had already been in for 5. Me, on the other hand, I take 20 minute showers and what does he think I do with the kids while I'm in the shower when he's travelling??! I just felt like he was deliberately 'taking his time' when he knew I had to go....he took a few minutes to chat with S4 before getting in the shower, etc. So, maybe you're right. I set a boundary and enforced it. But you know, there was a pretty high price to pay b/c he continued to be irritated about it for the next day or two and of course, that only fueled my irritation with him for being irritated in the first place.....hopefully in time, his reactions won't be so strong as he begins to learn what to expect from me. The key is to be detached so that if and when he reacts like a spoiled brat, it won't affect me so much. Because right now, honestly, I'm apprehensive about karate pretty much every time I go...I can see myself eventually saying forget it.

It's a pretty safe bet you're still putting his needs ahead of yours sometimes. And this wasn't necessarily a win/lose scenario. It kind of ended up that way when he got passive-aggressive on you.

Hmm. I really need to give some more thought on situations where I put his needs ahead of mine. B/c honestly, nothing comes to mind. Except maybe that I put ham in my macaroni salad instead of chicken b/c that's the way he likes it. There aren't too many win/lose situations that come up in a M are there? At least not on a daily basis. But your point that our conflict about karate wasn't a win/lose scenario....made me realize that H has a knack for turning things into just that.

Got any cool DB plans for his trip? Write him a letter, have the kids send him postcards, a suggestive email, anything?

I didn't have any such plans until I read your post and then I started considering it. But then I read Anna's question on her thread about attractiveness and it got me thinking. Thinking too much. And now I'm not feeling much like doing anything for H except giving him a kick in the a@@. I just started thinking about his pornography habit and how inferior it makes me feel. His determination to continue angers me to a point you cannot even begin to imagine b/c it does make me feel second best. Jeez, do I think my H is going to still be attracted to me when middle age sets in...hmm since I feel second best now I highly doubt things are going to get better from here. I read posts on the boards where women will say they had a problem with it and their H's stopped. What is the deal with my H???? So then I got to thinking that I have absolutely no idea how often he does it now that things have been going better for us or any other details. But yet, here I am, thinking about how I can set aside time for him to get his feelings out about the A. The unfairness of it all has me in a pretty crappy place today. Can you tell?