Learning to trust myself II

[heatherg]

have you considered that he has his eye on someone and wants to have sex with her and make it all right just because Heather was there and said it was OK. Get back at you and have his way all in the same little tidy bundle....

It's a possibility, but I don't think it's the case.

when I was snooping on his "Adult Friend Finder" profile, (I know, bad me) he checked the little box that said had been involved in a threesome, along with a lot of others I was surprised to see.....

Yikes! It is an absolute shame all of the things your H has put you through Mel. What a jerk. Sorry. But I still stand by my statement!! You deserve sooo much better than the crap you've had to contend with. You're amazing.

Ok, time to catch up with my thread....here goes!!

Oh, and you suck regarding the rollercoaster thing. W and both S's are scared of heights. But I freaking love rollercoasters! And I just this instant realized that there's nothing keeping me from going any more. I see King's Dominion in my future...

Good for you Bud!!! I've never been to King's Dominion...I've lived in VA for 11 years now. How lame is that?!

necessary for spouses who have had affairs to tell their wives/husbands about the affair so that they can be totally honest and truthful to each other. They need to trust each other. But the spouse also needs to give their partner room to react. I'm sorry that this is the part that is causing you so much pain.

Yeah, I really do agree. I do not regret telling H the truth about what I did. I mean if I'm going to sit around regretting the past it seems I'd be better off regretting the A than regretting *telling* about the A. Yeah, the reacting thing has been tough. But it's getting better. Wow. Did you hear that? It's getting better.....

I think that it rather controlling of a spouse to decide what their spouse needs to know or can handle and doesn't need to know or can't handle.

Yeah, controlling and pretty darn conveeeenient.

called my aunt and uncle last Friday. The ones who have been involved in Retrouvaille since forever ..... I asked them, when a person has tried talking about it but hasn't gotten their needs met in a M and it seems unlikely their spouse is going to make the serious changes needed to make things work, how do you get their attention? They both answered with almost no hesitation, "Sometimes you have to file for divorce. Sometimes that's the only thing that works." I was surprised, but there you go.

Wow. That's all I can say really. Wow. Oh and maybe 'darn'. Sigh.

I realized that we had talked about what we both needed from the M. The only answers I could ever come up with involved sex. More frequent, spicier, whatever.

My H did make some comments about frequency of sex, but never during a R conversation. During those conversations, if he chose to stop rolling his eyes and stay in the room long enough to participate in the discussion, he would always say he didn't have any problems with me. I would press the issue because he tried to redefine the term discussion as a 'bitch session about what is wrong with him'. So I would say 'ok, let's talk about me then. What's something that I can change'? And he'd *always* say he didn't have any problems with me.

I would have been content to be hated less (that's an exaggeration but you get the point).

OMG, those could be my H's words...

If I could go back to when she asked the old (dumbass) me that question, the new me would whisper this in her ear: do what you did that first year you dated.

This one doesn't work for me. You couldn't pay me to go back to not only the first year we dated but the first several. Honestly. You could not pay me to do it.

And the hardest one of all, maybe she could have found it within herself to just be happier more when I was around.

Again, could be my H's words.....

What kind of little things did you used to do when you were so in love with him?

I did whatever he wanted me to do, those were the little things I did to show him I cared. My H had an opinion on everything and I couldn't get new dish towels without him acting hurt if I didn't consult his opinion. Ugh. So, I know that a lot of therapists ask you to refer to your past as a key to make your present better. Not so for me.

Do you think he knows how he wants to be loved?

Good question. I have noticed that things are better lately, we are less confrontational. Being more appreciative and considerate. I'm going to say something really dumb now. He responds well when I am considerate and affectionate toward him. Ok, duh. But really, such gestures have been no easy feat for me when I have spent the better part of the last year absolutely hating him. I thought I hated him at times before the A, since the A it has been taken to a whole new level. So being considerate and affectionate are not easy for me. But it's easier when he reciprocates and initiates the same gestures, which he has been. His reciprocation is the only way this behavior is possible for me. But it seems to be working well so far. We've had an issue or two since we've been back from MI, but in general our days are more than just peaceful, they are actually loving.