Learning to trust myself II

[heatherg]

think he's like me (well, old me, but it's too tedious to keep making the distinction) in that he's based a lot of his ego on his sexual ability. His sexual life is very important to him not only because he enjoys it but because it's the best (maybe the only?) we he knows to make you happy.

Well perhaps I should explain to him how this works. See, he left for San Diego today for 10 days. We would have had sex last night and were headed in that direction pretty much all evening. UNTIL we had this discussion. Warm feelings-gone. Sexual feelings-gone. So, guess who didn't get any last night? See H, see how that works? If you like sex and you pride yourself on your ability to please me, then you probably shouldn't *displease* me where sex is concerned by talking favorably about things that will never happen and that I've already expressed my negative feelings about. Yesterday evening he said something, well, sexual in nature let's say. It started like this "I keep thinking about....". After the threesome discussion, it was all I could do not to say coyly, "Remember earlier when you said all you could think about was....[change in tone of voice] well, think about some other guy and me doing that. And tell me again that you're suggesting not another woman, but simply a third party, either a man or woman. Tell me you'd be able to get that visual out of your head and go on with life as usual." But I didn't say that. Maybe I should have.

what he might like that he hasn't done yet and how might he make it happen

This could potentially be a long list as my H was a virgin when we met. Can I just head that off by telling him to get over it, lol???

I don't think he's very serious about it. I think he likes the idea in theory but knows the reality has just too many problems.

I agree that he is probably not entirely serious. Yeah, too many problems. Not the least of which would be how does an anti-social guy even meet a girl that he'd consider bringing home to wifey? And not being very proficient with conversation or social niceties, how would he go from point A to point B? And geez, then there's what to say afterward...um, thanks. Yeah, way too many problems. Oh but hey, if I can talk Heather into the idea, then she could handle the details......

if she climaxes, then she got what she wanted, right? Okay, please stop laughing now.

I don't think that's funny at all. I would tend to think on the same lines. H knows if I'm not comfortable, not feelin it for whatever reason, the climax isn't going to happen. So, if I do, he knows all the pieces of the puzzle were there. You're not so crazy IMO.

The reason I bring this up is in hopes that if you don't see intimacy in your sex life, maybe you can believe that he does. But you can't be the provider forever, he's going to have to learn to give you intimacy the way you need it as well.

I feel plenty of intimacy. That is until he cheapens it by suggesting that he could have the same intimacy with some third party.

See, for me, I cheated on my H. But I never set out to do that b/c I physically or emotionally *wanted* someone other than my H. That seems to be the case for my H toward me, however. And for him to say that out loud sucks. That would have been like me actually considering having an A and telling H about it, although never doing it. The damage is nearly as great. Granted, actually doing it brings more problems than not acting on it obviously, but the emotional disturbance is almost just as great isn't it?? Am I crazyily oversensitive??

I guarantee you there is no way in he11 he could actually deal with even the thought of it for more than five seconds. It's the last thing he wants. He would hate it.

I know, and to drive that point home and make sure he understands how *I* feel about thinking about him with another woman, I really wanted to say the above statement to him.

Next time it comes up you could try, "It's exciting to think about but it will never happen. I don't want to share you any more than you want to share me."

Good idea! And maybe mutter under my breath "so don't bring it up again you sick ba@tard"...lol, just kidding.