Learning to trust myself II

[Burgbud]

Dang Heather, I don't know if your thread is more therapeutic for you or for me.

I'm about to do a lot of projecting. Take what's worthwhile and ignore the rest. Feel free to ask questions about any of it. I hope it comes out the way I intend but I'm just gonna push forward so if something doesn't seem right, call me on it.

I warn the reader that, as a TV disclaimer would probably say, what follows is a frank discussion of sex. I don't think it's going to be over the top (especially on a BB with a Sexual Issues forum) but different people have "the top" in different places.


...I already know a threesome is something he would like to do. I don't know how serious he is about it, I don't think very as he's never outwardly asked me, but serious enough to actually discuss it with me as a viable option.

I think he's like me (well, old me, but it's too tedious to keep making the distinction) in that he's based a lot of his ego on his sexual ability. His sexual life is very important to him not only because he enjoys it but because it's the best (maybe the only?) we he knows to make you happy. He's introspective about it; he thinks about what he likes and why and what he might like that he hasn't done yet and how might he make it happen. That's why he had a "favorites" folder. That's why he holds onto this threesome idea as a somewhat viable option.

I don't think he's very serious about it. I think he likes the idea in theory but knows the reality has just too many problems. But he can't quite let it go because it's a sexual accomplishment he'd like to have on his resume. Maybe it wouldn't be as fulfilling as he'd like, but that's okay too. At least he'd know.

W and I had a similar thing where we would go to Vegas, find an interested lady (maybe a stripper or, well, the implementation details are always the hard part, you know?), bring her back to our room and she and W would carry on while I was present but not participating. See, we even had a plan! But it was one of those things where there was just enough to it to make it a little bit real, but essentially no way it could actually happen. One of the things I've figured out (due mostly to reading) in my transition since the bomb is that it's okay to have fantasies and dreams that you know will never, ever happen. You don't have to just abandon them. It's often good to have that tension of there being something you want that you know you'll never have. But that takes a maturity which I lacked until recently. I think if I'd have accepted that before talking about it with W we might have kept it at the level of an interesting fantasy. But that little sliver of realness kind of mucked it up. It made her consider it too much; some of that she liked and some she didn't. I think overall it was more bad than good.


So I asked what his definition of intimate was. He got uncomfortable. He said a connection, an emotional closeness.

Okay, fine. But how does he get that intimacy and emotional closeness during sex? I had an epiphany on this recently (while considering an earlier post in your thread, actually). Especially toward the end, W would tell me she felt no intimacy from me during sex. She felt like she was just a body to me. I knew in my heart that wasn't right so I tried arguing with her. But I certainly wasn't giving her the intimacy she wanted, so where was I getting my intimacy from? (okay, here goes...in for a dime, in for a dollar...) I got it from oral sex. Performing it. If you think about it I gotta believe most folks will agree that's pretty intimate. And beyond that, I think I got my intimacy from anything that made her kind of open and/or vulnerable. It made me feel loved and trusted that she could do that for me.

Problem is she wasn't getting the intimacy she wanted. So as time went on she felt less and less like she was sharing something intimate with me and more and more like I was taking something from her. It's like KDU said a few posts ago...when you give something lovingly to show you care but it's not returned, it really hurts. But my problem was always that I figured it was fair if I was willing to do what I wanted her to do. It took a leap for me to figure out that fair is more if she does what I want, then I do what she wants. This was doubly hard for me in sexual matters because if she climaxes, then she got what she wanted, right? Okay, please stop laughing now. Anyway, that's where I put my focus because that's what I figured she really wanted. But I would have been better served to focus on intimacy and closeness the way she likes to feel it.

The reason I bring this up is in hopes that if you don't see intimacy in your sex life, maybe you can believe that he does. But you can't be the provider forever, he's going to have to learn to give you intimacy the way you need it as well.


If I were to mention bringing a second man into our bedroom, you would be ok with that?" He said "I certainly woundn't become enraged by the idea...".

I believe him for a reason I mentioned earlier: he's introspective about sex and is willing to consider almost anything. Having said that, he would only consider this idea for the smallest sliver of a second before knowing he doesn't want anything to do with it. But just considering it wouldn't enrage him. I guarantee you there is no way in he11 he could actually deal with even the thought of it for more than five seconds. It's the last thing he wants. He would hate it.


Don't get me wrong, it's one thing to fantasize about it and talk about it in a fantasy sort of way, but only when I felt comfortable he's not suggesting that it's something that could actually fly in our M.

Exactly. He needs to let it go and enjoy it for the fantasy it is. Then it can be something fun.


What good could possibly come of that?

None.

How would it benefit our M?

It won't. Quite the opposite. Don't ever agree to it. Next time it comes up you could try, "It's exciting to think about but it will never happen. I don't want to share you any more than you want to share me."