Learning to trust myself II

[Burgbud]

Is there anything you can think of that your W could have done to make things clearer besides moving to dissolve your M?

I've thought myself completely around in a circle on this one so it's time to drive a stake in the ground right here and just start typing. But before I go too far afield and forget all about this, I called my aunt and uncle last Friday. The ones who have been involved in Retrouvaille since forever and are district leaders or some such thing for Texas and Louisiana Retrouvaille. Point being, they are extremely pro-marriage and have worked with many couples in even more distressing circumstances than what we read about on this board (believe it or not). I explained briefly the question you asked and they understood how it related to me. I asked them, when a person has tried talking about it but hasn't gotten their needs met in a M and it seems unlikely their spouse is going to make the serious changes needed to make things work, how do you get their attention? They both answered with almost no hesitation, "Sometimes you have to file for divorce. Sometimes that's the only thing that works." I was surprised, but there you go.

Now, the actual question was, what could my wife have done short of what she did to make things clear. I started by wondering what she could have done to make me feel very loved, so much that I would have been willing to make big changes in my personality to make her feel loved in return. To make a long story incrementally shorter, I realized that we had talked about what we both needed from the M. The only answers I could ever come up with involved sex. More frequent, spicier, whatever. Problem is, that was the wrong answer. It was the wrong answer because I didn't know how I wanted to be loved so I couldn't come up with anything better. I was self-contained and content and didn't have a thought in my mind about being loved more. I would have been content to be hated less (that's an exaggeration but you get the point).

After now having spent time thinking what I'd like a new R to be like, I can come up with several ways I'd like to be loved. And none of them involve sex. I'm confident the sex will take care of itself if the rest of the R is good. (That's a worrying thing to say...maybe my Y chromosome is rusted shut...gotta get that thing checked.)

If I could go back to when she asked the old (dumbass) me that question, the new me would whisper this in her ear: do what you did that first year you dated. Within reason. We can't stay up all night or invite our college friends over to drink beer and play cards and watch Magnum P.I. reruns. But she used to say her favorite thing was laying her head on my chest. That would be a good place to start; saying and doing it. Maybe brushing up against me more. Maybe putting her hand on mine if we were sitting together. And the hardest one of all, maybe she could have found it within herself to just be happier more when I was around.

What kind of little things did you used to do when you were so in love with him? Do you think he knows how he wants to be loved?

And sadly, I'm not at all guaranteeing that would have worked. I would have liked it at first and then probably have become suspicious. I don't know how long she would have had to do it with zero expectations before I felt special again and wanted to return her affection with interest. Maybe longer than she could have taken it. But as you said, you don't have to do it forever and you can stop at any time.

And if you try it and it doesn't work you can tell him you're filing for divorce. There's a 180 for ya.