Learning to trust myself II

[heatherg]

I don't think you can be too honest....

I used to be pretty certain of this. Lately however, I've wondered about it. In the end though, I don't think I regret laying everything out there. To have done anything differently would have changed the core of who I am and not for the better I don't think. To not have told everything would have been to a)risk continuing an affair that was hazardous to myself, my family and my marriage and b)let the wrongdoing go in vain by never addressing the causes, the pain it caused, etc. I've seen some thought provoking posts on honesty though as people have contemplated whether or not to tell their partner about a betrayal. One instance in particular comes to mind, if I remember the details correctly, a person who had been cheated on gave advice to someone contemplating telling their partner about a one night stand, and basically said if it was a one time thing then perhaps the need to tell comes more for a relief of conscience and they should remain quiet. Things that make you go hmmm.

If our spouse strays a bit then is remorseful and comes back, we can continue to believe that we have a bit of control over them. Maybe use shame and/or anger to "keep it from happening again". So our life still works for us. But when the spouse completely abandons their responsibility to the M it becomes crystal clear whether we like it or not that we have no control over them.

Is there anything you can think of that your W could have done to make things clearer besides moving to dissolve your M? It seems so unfortunate to have to make such a drastic move. I mean, why is it do you think that people don't listen to one another? I hear my H's words, but perhaps I am totally missing what he is really telling me just like he apparently missed what I thought I very concisely told him...over and over. Do we just not want to hear it? Not want to accept it? Not want to have to change? Like the way things are so much that the thought of anything different deafens us? Humans can be so simple sometimes and soooo complex other times.

How were you taught to behave in a R? What was your example?

Well, since I met H when I was 17, he was my only real relationship. I was in love one other time before, but I don't think I gleaned anything from how to handle a relationship. I was only 15-16 at the time. So, that is the extent of my experience with men. Besides one night stands and a few other boyfriends who felt more for me than I for them. Great huh?
So, I suppose my other models were my parents and my friends' parents. Again, not so great. My friends' parents were divorced, one mother an alcoholic and my other best friend's mom very eccentric and had multiple boyfriends. My parents were alcoholics (or so I thought, the both quit when they got old!)and would fight a lot. My father was abusive toward my mother, less when I was a kid than for my older siblings. There is 11 years difference in age between my oldest brother and myself and 10 years difference between my sister and I with her being older. There is another five years difference between me and my younger brother. So, it was like my parents had two different families almost and we were raised differently than my older siblings, much to their dismay. They both, my sister especially, wish their childhood could have been different as they witnessed a lot. I remember a few physically violent incidents, but mostly I just remember the arguing and the drunkeness. I was embarrassed of my father the most and bringing friends over always induced anxiety, although not so much with my closes friends as my family was actually the 'normal one' compared to theirs. So, my role models for relationships have been horrible, wouldn't you say?!
On the positive side, it brought to light for me what I *don't* want. Unfortunately it seems what I didn't want was much of what I got. Along with some positive qualities in my H that my father didn't seem to have. At least not in his younger years. My oldest sister was divocred after 7 years and my oldest sister was divorced after less than that. Hey, you asked.

Though I can say, for absolutely sure, that he's no fan of DB'ing! So I've got that going for me.

That and more. You're a good guy with lots of good qualities!!

It seems like in a dynamic like yours, it would feel very unnatural to shift to those behaviours. Things have been unpleasant between you and your H for a long time... this may be a 180 that changes that dynamic.

I think this is probably the key to opening a pretty big door in my relationship. I've recognized this I think, but wanted help in "faking it" as I couldn't seem to muster many loving feelings toward H. My plan is to completely capitalize on the feelings I *do* get and make the most of them. Better plan than faking it, yah? I let many thoughts and feelings go by unexpressed when they are good ones. Need to learn to let those out. Might help to come up with some specific goals on that....

Also, your H likes to capitalize on your vulnerabilities, so it's natural that you would be wary of trying such things. But if you do them with zero expectations you won't be vulnerable to any initial rejection on his part.

Yep. Zero expectations is definitely tough. It doesn't mesh well with the way we humans like to do business does it??! I just need to keep telling myself I can do anything for a short while. I don't have to do it forever and can stop anytime. This is a choice *I'm* making to enrich my marriage and thus my life.

How are you doing with not beating yourself up?

I think I have my moments. Sometimes a full day. I'm weary of forgiving when H claims he has never witnessed me be sorry. I'm weary that if I forgive, the chances of him seeing that are even slimmer. Perhaps it would work in the reverse though.