Learning to trust myself II

[Burgbud]

I was very honest with my H (perhaps too honest?...

I absolutely do not think so. I don't think you can be too honest, unless you're intentionally using honesty to hurt somebody as occasionally happens in these sitches ("first OP and I did this then we did this and that was really great and then we did this other thing over here..."). As long as you're just answering questions it's best to get the truth out there so you're not hiding anything later. People who are already suspicious will sniff that out in a heartbeat.


You'd think he'd be more scared of *not* looking at his role in all this, scared that an A could happen again.

The more I think about it the more I think it's about control or maybe the illusion of control that we all have at least a little of. If our spouse strays a bit then is remorseful and comes back, we can continue to believe that we have a bit of control over them. Maybe use shame and/or anger to "keep it from happening again". So our life still works for us. But when the spouse completely abandons their responsibility to the M it becomes crystal clear whether we like it or not that we have no control over them. Sometimes it has to sink in, but I think we all get to that point sooner rather than later. Then we realize the only thing left for us to do is take what responsibility we can and work on ourselves since that's the only thing we do control.


...I'm not very good at loving gestures, loving words, validation, appreciation. I act nonchalant about gestures that actually mean a lot to me. I don't know why I do that.

How were you taught to behave in a R? What was your example?

I realized with disgust one day last week how very like my father I am. He's a good guy though he certainly has his flaws, but I was disgusted because I've always prided myself on being extremely independent. Yet here I've been a carbon copy of my dad in so many ways I can't believe it.

Though I can say, for absolutely sure, that he's no fan of DB'ing! So I've got that going for me.