Learning to trust myself II

[heatherg]

Hey Bud, I am back. I couldn't help but smile as we passed "Dumfries"! Thanks so much for checking up on me, especially in light of all you have going on. Although I haven't posted, I have been keeping up with all of your threads.

Before we left MI, I asked my Dad to shake H's hand. I explained that I wasn't asking him to apologize or even say any words at all, as I understand he really meant what he said to H, I am not asking that he recant his words. He said he would shake H's hand.
H came out to my parents' house to pick us up and help load up our stuff. My dad extended his hand and said "Matt....drive with care hey? We'll see you again". It meant a lot to me and after H was in the truck I thanked my Dad, there were tears in both of our eyes. It was an emotional moment to witness my father behave more graciously than my H was able to muster. I was proud of him.

The trip home went well actually. There was discussion, but not in an argumentative way. Oddly enough, if not for the words exchanged between H and my dad, the vacation was a good thing for us. That incident looms large unfortunately, as it poses it's own set of problems.

I had an interesting conversation with my sister yesterday. She basically told me that she would no longer be accepting my H as a part of the family and that there wasn't any way she would subject the rest of the family to his presence at her retirement from the USAF ceremony in January. We were all headed to Utah for her retirement, and she basically said Matt was no longer invited after the way he disrespected Dad. It was the last straw after the way he's treated me. I sat there and listened feeling as though there is nothing good that can possible ever come of this crap. They should not be forced to accept Matt. However, I cannot effectively be a part of both families, not wholly yet separately....I guess I'd have to do what I had to do, but I couldn't understand how in the next breath she says the family will support me...

Anyway, during the conversation, "the kiss" came up with OM, much in the same light as it did with you Bud, where you referred to it as simply "a kiss". I had to clarify with her that it was more than just "a kiss" the same way I had to clarify here. Which leads me to the point that I have apparently not explained my situation clearly enough and in it's entirety. Not on purpose, it just seems that until now, I've greatly focused on the physical aspect of what happened with OM, while not thinking long enough on the fact that I twisted the trust in my M to a great degree. I can talk more about that later. My point here is that after I more fully explained that part to my sister, her view of my H changed pretty significantly. She still does not excuse much of his behavior of course, but at least she understands *why* is doing some of the things he's doing, such as not riding in my car. She knew OM was in my car, but I guess I never explained the context in which that happened. Now she seems to understand his perspective a bit more, which is good. Although I want my family to be supportive of me, I do not want them to excuse or blow off what I did to my M. Funny how H could feel they are/were doing that when I never uttered one word about their statements to me. I guess he could just tell somehow....weird.

Anyway, the context in which I saw OM seems to shed new light on my sin. I never meant to portray things in any manner other than the manner in which they occurred, but I think this says something about where most of my guilt lies and perhaps why I haven't been able to entirely see H's perspective.

Do these facts change how you all view my situation as well? I can post more details about the times I saw OM as well. As H knows all of these details, it would seem necessary for me to post all the details to give a better understanding.