I cannot help but hear H's words in my head whenever I think about it though....."Oh, isn't that convenient?? The person who cheats on her H, has never been sorry, thinks she can still do whatever she wants, is now forgiving herself for what she did. Isn't that nice?"

Forgiving yourself is not something that needs to be announced to your partner. Nor does forgiving yourself require your forgiveness to meet whatever definition or standards your H places on it.

I am not religious so forgiveness has been a relatively scarce word in my life.

The "forgiving" read about in a judeo-christian theological sense need not be your definition of forgiveness.

Forgiving yourself can be that you choose not to let your past mistakes, or those of others, continue to grieve you, understanding that we all err, small and large, but make mistakes nonetheless. It doesn't mean the hurt or guilt disappears upon making the choice to forgive. It doesn't mean you forget, it doesn't mean you condone the past conduct. It's more like letting go. You're already living through the consequences daily, you're already remorseful over what you have done, you're even actively trying to repair the damage. To continue to suffer guilt from the acts of the past, that guilt has long ago served its purpose to help put you on the path you are on today. You can't affect the past anymore, today is all you have to work with.

Some folks can't see an intentional breach, such as an affair, as a "mistake", but I think they confuse the meaning of the word "mistake" with "accident". A "mistake" is the result of bad judgment. I don't think anyone would argue that getting into an affair is not bad judgment.

If your relationship is to thrive happily, sooner or later forgiving yourself, and your H letting go of the past, has to occur.

H will inevitably bring up the events of the "vacation". I think my goal is to be silent, maybe try some validation?

Of course, that "letting go" on Matt's part isn't likely to happen anytime soon.

Sure, validate, let him vent. You know what he brings up is going to be a bunch of stuff that really aren't the issues. If he really wants to work on the relationship with you, I think it's time to bring in a MC to help change these patterns that have been and are being established. You're losing your feelings for him the way things are going.