Forgiving yourself is not for him or about him. For that matter, forgiving him is not for him. It's for you. It's all in your own head. What comes out of his head or what may be rattling around inside it is on him and not you.
One of my favorite sig lines on these boards was something very similar to: "Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past." Another of my favorite ideas (Anna may recognize this one) is that if there was justice in the world, we'd pay for our mistakes once and only once. But instead, we pay for them over and over. Other people fling our mistakes back at us when it somehow suits their purposes to do so. But our internal judgement is even worse and we make ourselves pay again and again. In fact, if we stopped making ourselves pay, it wouldn't matter if other people flung it back at us. We'd realize they're doing so only says something about them, and not us.
I think my goal is to be silent, maybe try some validation?
Or maybe act "as if" and try some validation? Do as much as you can handle but no more. Try to get some rest, especially some much needed mental rest.
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
