Quote: Did you feel like you were going to see this someone? Because my impression was more that you were going to see your brother's band and someone sought you out.
The latter is what happened. The former was a result. The five occassions were times I was with *him*, not watching the band. For instance, one night after watching the band play, he called me. I came home and went out again after H was in bed. One time I left work early to spend a couple hours with this guy. H knows all of this. So perhaps meaning even more than the kisses, the trust has definitely been twisted.
One of my biggest obstacles that has really been revealed these last couple days seems to be that I don't really treat H as someone I love and respect. Because most of the time I don't. H pointed out that I always think the worst of him, that I always take a negative stance about his intents. But if you ask me, his intents usually reveal themselves for what they are. Most of the time I am hateful when I think of him. I'd rather he was gone. But he isn't gone and I don't have the guts to make him gone. I'm trying to change this for the better on behalf of my kids, but it seems to require some faking it that as of yet, I've been completely unable to muster. Perhaps I should speak with Anna about faking it until I make it??!
Chuck had some things to say that I need to reflect on and think about when I get home and am back in my own surroundings. Forgiveness. Forgiving myself. Forgiving H. Laughter. Trying to bring some comic relief into each day. Laughter should be relatively straightforward. The forgiveness part, I will have some trouble with on both counts. I'll have to really contemplate forgiveness, I mean even as far as studying the exact definition. I am not religious so forgiveness has been a relatively scarce word in my life. There will be more to come on that topic, no doubt.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
