Learning to trust myself II

[heatherg]

I can't believe one fight and he's throwing D and splitting time with the kids at you.

One fight, a fight which he is now referring to as a "silly argument" His exact words were "Your father/family disowned me because of a silly argument". The kids were in the room, so I only said "My father didn't disown you. He said 'If'. I wanted to say, so you threaten to divorce me, say we're no longer a family, say we're cutting our vacation short by 4 days, all over a 'silly argument'? In that case, since you are holding my father fully accountable for his words, do you plan to take any responsibility for yours????" But I said nothing. I will ask him that later, when the kids are not in the room.

After you kissed a guy?

To my H, what I did was more than kissing, it was dating. I saw someone on five separate occassions, and my H knows that. In all fairness, the betrayal does go a little deeper than a spur of the moment kiss.

He was completely out of town for long stretches, yet he can't handle you going to a bar with a friend, which you invited him to, in your hometown?

H mentioned that he is being reasonable. That if he was really trying to control me, he would be laying down rules on all the things that bother him such as business trips, etc. Going to the bar without him is a reasonable thing to ask me not to do as far as he is concerned.

Maybe it would be better to go to him first before confirming plans and say "Matt, old friend and I are thinking about the four of us getting together for dinner tomorrow night. I'd like that. OK?"

H said this is all he wanted. For me to acknowledge his feelings on the issue and phrase my 'invite' in a manner that reflected that as opposed to the 'I'm going with or without you' attitude that I conveyed. My invite to H says a lot about me. I am trying to win the war of my independence in one battle and therefore, my actions are far too passionate. I need to take things one battle at a time and treat each event as just that event, not as a loss or a win on my freedoms. I am also fighting for the 17 year old girl that allowed herself to be controlled for so long. I am absolutely determined to never go back there. Perhaps my conviction is skewing my reactions a little?

That's not about trust or reassurance. That's about reminding you of what happened.

That is totally how I feel about it. But, it is just one of many perspectives. Maybe I need to listen to what he is telling me and believe that he wants only for me to acknowledge his feelings, not that he is trying to control everything I do?

And now the kids are pawns. Unbelievable.

This is by far the hardest part. Yesterday, H and I were supposed to have a beach day with the kids. H came out to my parents' to pick us up and I asked him to join me in another room (away from the kids, staying true to my vow). I asked him what the plans were for the kids for the next couple of days b/c my SIL on my side is coming into town with her three kids and it is very important for me to have my kids spend time with them. I do not get along very well with my brother and my SIL so we won't be seeing them much anymore since they've moved back to MI (I could and would bury my hatchett to see the kids, but H hates my brother and refused to go to his house). H would not answer me, just said "I don't know". So I agonized over whether or not to spend the day with them, thinking that if I gave him a day, he would have to give me a day with no questions asked and no games. So, I said I wasn't going and that I would want the kids tomorrow, that not going today was my only way to assure that the kids would get to play with their cousins. H said "I plan to work out today, so I guess I'll have to get a cousin of mine to watch the kids then?" I said nothing. I helped H get the kids in their seats and told them to have fun. H said "Whether or not you come today will have no bearing on tomorrow". I told the kids I loved them and shut the truck door and went in the house. Holy cow, was that hard. I went and sat in the sunroom and a few minutes later, H's truck pulled back in the driveway. I couldn't believe it. He came in the house and was ready to talk. He said they want me to come. We had a nice discussion about the 'silly argument' we had and I ended up going with them and spending the day.

Good luck, Heather. I'm sending you all the good vibes I can muster. Work on your PMA, enjoy as much time with your parents as you can, and have no doubt that you are terrific for having handled all this with more dignity than I could have mustered.

Thank you so much Bud. Your words mean more than you can know.