I tell H "Friend and I are going to dinner and a couple drinks afterward if you'd like to come". I didn't want it to sound like I'd made plans for him [even though I sort of did]. He said "If I'd like to come? So, if I don't come, you'll still be going?" I said "yes, probably".
He sees you doing things without him that touch upon his distrust and that irks him. Maybe it would be better to go to him first before confirming plans and say "Matt, old friend and I are thinking about the four of us getting together for dinner tomorrow night. I'd like that. OK?"
My parents listen to us argue in total silence, but this time when my Dad hears H say we are leaving and that he has lawyers to see when we get home, my Dad (who is currently in a wheelchair, I don't think I'll ever get this scene out of my head) says to H "If you take those kids and leave, you'll no longer be a part of this family". H doesn't even look at my father and says "That will be a relief".
he said he was not about to let some man (meaning my father) tell him how to run his family!
Two things: 1. Your dad's reaction was of the "attack" kind, and not advice. No doubt underlying your dad's reaction is a certain amount of animosity toward Matt that's been built up for some time.
2. The role of a FIL is to be a coach. When my ex soon after our breakup flew to stay with her dad for about a month, according to her, he didn't know what to say and pretty much just let her do what she felt she needed to do. Had he acted on his role as a father and FIL, he could've told her to go back to her husband and work it out, it being the right thing to do. Instead, she was making plans with the OM for her new life, and had the OM fly out to meet up with her after she left her dad's house, apparently not wanting OM, whom at that moment dad didn't like, knowing of him for 20 years, meet her there.
I ask him "so you're filing for D when we get home, right, is that what you're saying?" He says "Sure". I say "No, H, not 'sure', yes or no?" He says "Sure."
Isn't that Matt being his "let's frustrate Heather by not complying with what she's asking of me"?
I go out to get the carseats out of his truck and he locks his truck and puts the keys in his pocket.
That's control, isn't it?
I said "H, don't blame my father for this." He says "You've got to be kidding, right? The man needs to mind his own business." I said "H, we were fighting in HIS HOUSE." He says "That's because we're *always* at *his* house, where else would he like us to fight?"
That's Matt changing the topic. The topic was not placing blame with your dad just because he reacted because you guys were fighting in front of him right in his living room.
I guess I'm upset b/c it doesn't seem like it should cause these problems
True. It could've gone like this:
"Friend and I are going to dinner and a couple drinks afterward if you'd like to come".
"I'm not comfortable with you going ahead and making those kinds of plans without consulting me".
Wouldn't that open the door to a more honest discussion? You're doing well, Heather, but Matt's gotta learn how to handle himself better.
I was talking with a girl friend this morning and she was telling me about her old boyfriend. He's got some insecurity problems or something and doesn't handle it well. She told me how she likes to socialize, but that he feels intimidated by the quality of people she likes to shmooze with. So, she'll speak with people and he'd stay a few steps behind. Then when she returns to him, he asks, "Are you f*cking him?" Oh man. So she offered that he should just stay with her when she's in those little social circles to be reassured. But he refused.
Like you, she was putting the ball in his court, but they don't have the wherewithal to pick that ball up and work with it. He, like Matt, seeks to prevent their fears from being realized by exerting control on others, rather than permitting others to be themselves and seeking solutions for their fears that are agreeable to both.
By grasping so tightly however, they stomp out feelings of love in the other person, the other feels like a prisoner, and is the recipient of hurtful language, and so by being so clingy, they help their fears actually become realized, as in this girl's case, for she broke up with him when she couldn't take that, or didn't want to take that, anymore.
The way it works is like this: if you're free to be yourself, and you're committed to the relationship, then he has nothing to fear. If however, you're tempted and cross the line and get yourself involved with another, then that points to other problems. The problem isn't about socializing.
