Learning to trust myself II

[heatherg]

Hey all, I have a few minutes to get in a post. I haven't had much time to write since I've been here, but I've been trying to read and keep up with your threads.

Not much excitement really until Tuesday. I made a phone call to an old friend and asked her to go to dinner Friday and a couple drinks afterward. She said Ok, I'll let Rob know, you're bringing H right and I said yes. I hang up. I tell H "Friend and I are going to dinner and a couple drinks afterward if you'd like to come". I didn't want it to sound like I'd made plans for him [even though I sort of did]. He said "If I'd like to come? So, if I don't come, you'll still be going?" I said "yes, probably". I never mentioned a bar, but he did and I said "Yes, if I want to go to a bar, then I can go to a bar". Anyway, the argument escalated and during it I basically told him I can do whatever I want to do. Not very endearing, nor does it sound very mature to my own ears as I type it. I tell him it is not fair to make demands of me while he contributes so little to our M, not even a verbal commitment. So anyway, he freaks out and says we're leaving tomorrow (Wednesday). So, then my parents freak out b/c H is involving their time with the kids now. My parents listen to us argue in total silence, but this time when my Dad hears H say we are leaving and that he has lawyers to see when we get home, my Dad (who is currently in a wheelchair, I don't think I'll ever get this scene out of my head) says to H "If you take those kids and leave, you'll no longer be a part of this family". H doesn't even look at my father and says "That will be a relief". I'm floored. Shocked. Even still. H takes the kids to his mother's house in town (15 miles away) and I go to a planned dinner with a friend. After dinner I go back to his mother's (knowing FULL well that he isn't going to let me take the kids, but I act AS IF). I ask the kids if they're ready to back out to Grammy's. He says he wants to keep them tonight and then rotate nights. We'll need to get used to this kind of arrangement, being without the kids sometimes. I ask him "so you're filing for D when we get home, right, is that what you're saying?" He says "Sure". I say "No, H, not 'sure', yes or no?" He says "Sure."
I tell him that he cannot spring this arrangement on me at the last minute and that we can start "sharing" when we get home. For now, they are staying with their grandparents. I go out to get the carseats out of his truck and he locks his truck and puts the keys in his pocket. So, my only option left is to give the kids a "choice" like he always does. D2 chose to go back to grammy's with me whereas S4 chose to stay in town with Daddy. Surprise. After D2 chose, he went and got her car seat and said "I don't know why you're doing this, I was willing to be fair and reasonable and if you do this there is a chance you mother will not see S4 again while we're here. I just leave.

The next morning I call a DB coach b/c I can't handle this by myself. Chuck is the lucky one who gets my crazy situation. It took me a long time and many scenarios to explain to you all how my H can be. Obviously Chuck is not going to get the gist of that in one conversation. But, I think to myself, maybe that is a good thing. Maybe he will give me a fresh approach. He says I admitted that I don't give a darn about going to the bar on Friday and that I knew in my head I probably wouldn't end up going if H didn't go. My angle was to make him understand that I HAVE THE RIGHT, but I CHOOSE NOT TO GO. Which I think is perfectly rational. But as Chuck pointed out, I was telling my H one thing (that I was going) and expecting him to *trust* that I would make the right decision for our M. The whole point here is that there is no *trust*. Not going to bars is important to my H, whereas generally it means nothing to me. Chuck said to humble myself and go to H and tell him that I am honoring his feelings on the issue and I'm not going Friday. He said I don't have to address the future or any other outing. Just Friday. So I did. Not quite as elegantly as Chuck would have liked I don't think, but I apologized for playing games and saying something out loud that I knew in my head I likely would not do. I told H he made the whole situation into something it didn't have to be by playing out 'what if' scenarios. So, I placed blame on H, not a very good apology, but he seemed to accept it as we spent the day together yesterday and he "let" me bring the kids out to my parents' to sleep. He will not come back to my parents. For those of you who remember our argument about my family before we left to come to MI, you may well see that now H has the reason he was looking for to not come out here and not associate with them. The things he is saying about my family are unforgiveable. It's kind of weird, maybe like physical abuse, where a mother can take it but as soon as a man lays a hand to her child, she is out. Matt can treat me how he wants, but how dare he disrespect my family IN THEIR OWN HOUSE?????
Yesterday on the phone (before my apology and I called him to work out when we would each see the kids again) he said he was not about to let some man (meaning my father) tell him how to run his family! I said "some man, H what are you talking about?" He said "Yeah, some man who did a crappy job raising his own family." I said "H I have to go now" and I hung up. He's comments made me want to vomit. So then later I go apologize for my part in the ultracation. Am I crazy? Before I took the kids to come back to my parents' last night I told H "you're more than welcome to come". He said "No, I don't think I am". I said "H, don't blame my father for this." He says "You've got to be kidding, right? The man needs to mind his own business." I said "H, we were fighting in HIS HOUSE." He says "That's because we're *always* at *his* house, where else would he like us to fight?" I said "We could have gone outside, whatever". Looking back, I should have demanded that. But see H won't give me the respect of having a face to face argument. I think that should be a 180 for me. Demanding it. No face to face, no discussion, no argument. This would also make it easier to assure that the kids do not overhear our arguments which they surely do now, as they are usually in the same room. Right now, I vow that will stop.
So, I've apologized and I feel guilty for bringing this all on. I'm not heartbroken that I can't go to the bar Friday by any means. If it's going to cause all these problems, then it means nothing to me. I guess I'm upset b/c it doesn't seem like it should cause these problems, to my knowledge H has no plans, he drinks on Friday nights anyway, why wouldn't he just come with me if it's such an issue for him? But Chuck says people who've been cheated on, need certain reassurances. It is not up to the person who betrayed to question those reassurances. If you want to rebuild truse he says, you've got to do what the other person needs and you've got to do it willingly.

So folks, that's where I'm at today. Thanks, as usual, for listening.