Or, (no sarcasm intended) totally shock him by thanking him for getting the truck fixed. You appreciate it very much and will feel much safer on the trip. Thank him for thinking about you--I'm thinking the jaw will drop and he won't have much to say.
Ok. I shouldn't have interrupted and I should only have stated my feelings as opposed to asking him any kind of rhetorical question. You're right that he will just respond with something to counter what I've said. Keep in mind that although H is difficult to contend with, my skills are just recently being learned, I'm really trying here!! It's hard to think on the spot and as I practice things will come more natural.
Quote: We're going to be here next year still going through these same convolutions I fear.
No, we're not. Because I'm going to learn how to better handle myself and in doing so, hopefully he'll either a. catch on to my wonderful communication skills and start employing them himself or b. realize that being an a$$ doesn't really get him anywhere anymore as nothing he says gets quite the effect he wants.
Neither one would be a conscious realization, if it were, I'd have to agree with you and say there's no hope. But I hope it will happen on a subconcious level.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
Quote: totally shock him by thanking him for getting the truck fixed. You appreciate it very much and will feel much safer on the trip. Thank him for thinking about you--I'm thinking the jaw will drop and he won't have much to say.
You know what? For kicks I'll give it a try. I'll letcha know how that goes, although the odds of his jaw dropping are a billion to one. But I'm gonna practice my sweet voice on the way home, the voice that has zero sarcasm in it....that will be a tough one!!
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
I thanked H for getting the truck fixed and said that I feel much more comfortable driving to MI knowing that there isn't anything wrong. The exchange was pretty uneventful, he knowingly, but not jerkishly, rolled his eyes and said "it was absolutely nothing, just like I thought" and he smirked. I just said "Well, better to be safe than sorry" and I mentioned the time we were driving back from MI and our alternator went out on our car and we got stranded and had to have the car towed to a shop we had no idea about.....just said that would be a nightmare, with the kids.
Tonight I was telling S4 goodnight and he said something hurtful like "get out of my bed so Daddy can come now". I told him that wasn't a nice thing to tell mommy and I left his room. Walked into the living room and told H what S4 said. H went down to S4's room and said something that made S4 cry and then he came out and apologized to me. H came over and told S4 that the way he's feeling right now is the way he made Mommy feel. It's not nice to hurt people's feelings like that.
WOOOOOWWWWW. After S4 got back to bed, I hugged H and told him thank you and he said "thank you for what?" and I said "for helping S4 to understand that he really did hurt my feelings."
This is a HUGE step in the right direction. I'm so impressed.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
Just a wild guess, but that may be H responding to your request to help out with repsonsibilities with the kids from Sunday(?) morning, just on his terms as to when he helps and how. Still a baby step! And giving him positive reinforcement for his actions in that and the car repair is good. Keep it up.
Status is pretty darn good! Saw my C today, leave for MI tomorrow. I am absolutely exhausted and have a 15 hour trip ahead. If I can still say I'm feeling pretty darn good, you know I'm feeling good, lol. I'm off to bed and will check in with you all Saturday.
Until then, I've got a joke for you. How do you make a tissue dance? Answer: Put a little boogie in it. Ok, ok, tasteless. Maybe you had to be there, but my sister is in the AF stationed in Ogden, UT. I was talking to her on the phone today and she was going through the gate as we were talking. The gate guard told her that joke and we were cracking up at the fact that he had the need to pass the joke on to a total stranger. I said, jeez Pam, did you check the mirror, maybe he's trying to tell you something!!
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
Hey all, I have a few minutes to get in a post. I haven't had much time to write since I've been here, but I've been trying to read and keep up with your threads.
Not much excitement really until Tuesday. I made a phone call to an old friend and asked her to go to dinner Friday and a couple drinks afterward. She said Ok, I'll let Rob know, you're bringing H right and I said yes. I hang up. I tell H "Friend and I are going to dinner and a couple drinks afterward if you'd like to come". I didn't want it to sound like I'd made plans for him [even though I sort of did]. He said "If I'd like to come? So, if I don't come, you'll still be going?" I said "yes, probably". I never mentioned a bar, but he did and I said "Yes, if I want to go to a bar, then I can go to a bar". Anyway, the argument escalated and during it I basically told him I can do whatever I want to do. Not very endearing, nor does it sound very mature to my own ears as I type it. I tell him it is not fair to make demands of me while he contributes so little to our M, not even a verbal commitment. So anyway, he freaks out and says we're leaving tomorrow (Wednesday). So, then my parents freak out b/c H is involving their time with the kids now. My parents listen to us argue in total silence, but this time when my Dad hears H say we are leaving and that he has lawyers to see when we get home, my Dad (who is currently in a wheelchair, I don't think I'll ever get this scene out of my head) says to H "If you take those kids and leave, you'll no longer be a part of this family". H doesn't even look at my father and says "That will be a relief". I'm floored. Shocked. Even still. H takes the kids to his mother's house in town (15 miles away) and I go to a planned dinner with a friend. After dinner I go back to his mother's (knowing FULL well that he isn't going to let me take the kids, but I act AS IF). I ask the kids if they're ready to back out to Grammy's. He says he wants to keep them tonight and then rotate nights. We'll need to get used to this kind of arrangement, being without the kids sometimes. I ask him "so you're filing for D when we get home, right, is that what you're saying?" He says "Sure". I say "No, H, not 'sure', yes or no?" He says "Sure." I tell him that he cannot spring this arrangement on me at the last minute and that we can start "sharing" when we get home. For now, they are staying with their grandparents. I go out to get the carseats out of his truck and he locks his truck and puts the keys in his pocket. So, my only option left is to give the kids a "choice" like he always does. D2 chose to go back to grammy's with me whereas S4 chose to stay in town with Daddy. Surprise. After D2 chose, he went and got her car seat and said "I don't know why you're doing this, I was willing to be fair and reasonable and if you do this there is a chance you mother will not see S4 again while we're here. I just leave.
The next morning I call a DB coach b/c I can't handle this by myself. Chuck is the lucky one who gets my crazy situation. It took me a long time and many scenarios to explain to you all how my H can be. Obviously Chuck is not going to get the gist of that in one conversation. But, I think to myself, maybe that is a good thing. Maybe he will give me a fresh approach. He says I admitted that I don't give a darn about going to the bar on Friday and that I knew in my head I probably wouldn't end up going if H didn't go. My angle was to make him understand that I HAVE THE RIGHT, but I CHOOSE NOT TO GO. Which I think is perfectly rational. But as Chuck pointed out, I was telling my H one thing (that I was going) and expecting him to *trust* that I would make the right decision for our M. The whole point here is that there is no *trust*. Not going to bars is important to my H, whereas generally it means nothing to me. Chuck said to humble myself and go to H and tell him that I am honoring his feelings on the issue and I'm not going Friday. He said I don't have to address the future or any other outing. Just Friday. So I did. Not quite as elegantly as Chuck would have liked I don't think, but I apologized for playing games and saying something out loud that I knew in my head I likely would not do. I told H he made the whole situation into something it didn't have to be by playing out 'what if' scenarios. So, I placed blame on H, not a very good apology, but he seemed to accept it as we spent the day together yesterday and he "let" me bring the kids out to my parents' to sleep. He will not come back to my parents. For those of you who remember our argument about my family before we left to come to MI, you may well see that now H has the reason he was looking for to not come out here and not associate with them. The things he is saying about my family are unforgiveable. It's kind of weird, maybe like physical abuse, where a mother can take it but as soon as a man lays a hand to her child, she is out. Matt can treat me how he wants, but how dare he disrespect my family IN THEIR OWN HOUSE????? Yesterday on the phone (before my apology and I called him to work out when we would each see the kids again) he said he was not about to let some man (meaning my father) tell him how to run his family! I said "some man, H what are you talking about?" He said "Yeah, some man who did a crappy job raising his own family." I said "H I have to go now" and I hung up. He's comments made me want to vomit. So then later I go apologize for my part in the ultracation. Am I crazy? Before I took the kids to come back to my parents' last night I told H "you're more than welcome to come". He said "No, I don't think I am". I said "H, don't blame my father for this." He says "You've got to be kidding, right? The man needs to mind his own business." I said "H, we were fighting in HIS HOUSE." He says "That's because we're *always* at *his* house, where else would he like us to fight?" I said "We could have gone outside, whatever". Looking back, I should have demanded that. But see H won't give me the respect of having a face to face argument. I think that should be a 180 for me. Demanding it. No face to face, no discussion, no argument. This would also make it easier to assure that the kids do not overhear our arguments which they surely do now, as they are usually in the same room. Right now, I vow that will stop. So, I've apologized and I feel guilty for bringing this all on. I'm not heartbroken that I can't go to the bar Friday by any means. If it's going to cause all these problems, then it means nothing to me. I guess I'm upset b/c it doesn't seem like it should cause these problems, to my knowledge H has no plans, he drinks on Friday nights anyway, why wouldn't he just come with me if it's such an issue for him? But Chuck says people who've been cheated on, need certain reassurances. It is not up to the person who betrayed to question those reassurances. If you want to rebuild truse he says, you've got to do what the other person needs and you've got to do it willingly.
So folks, that's where I'm at today. Thanks, as usual, for listening.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
Oh, and one other thing. I took my wedding rings off Tuesday to make a beef roast, I had to put some sort of rub on this raw hunk of meat. Anyway, I haven't been able to bring myself to put my rings back on. I'm losing steam guys. My heart just isn't in it since Tuesday. I'm doing what I have to do to make things go as smoothly as possible, but I'm not feeling much but hatred for my H these days. I know I should put my rings back on. I know I should. And I know I will when I go home b/c I don't want anyone asking any questions.
Ok, just one more thing. H just called and says "what's going on?" I say "Nothing, I was just getting in the shower, did you just wake up?" He says yes (I've already tried to call him twice). My parents have dr appts today in an adjoining city and I told H last night that if they were going the right direction, we would ride into his parent's house with them. Otherwise we would need him to come get us. He wasn't very happy. I had forgotten I wouldn't have a vehicle. Gas is like 3.30/gal here and it's 15 miles between his parents' house and mine. So I tell him that my parents were going the other direction and he would have to come get us. He says " What? " I said "H it isn't that big of a deal, if you were still coming out here, we would have driven your truck out here last night anyway." He says "Or I would have just kept them in town". The way he words things is so much like he is in absolute control of everything!! 'I would have just kept them in town'.....ARGH. I said, "I'll pay for the gas". He starts being pissy again and I just say "I'll pay for the gas, alright then?" And he says "Fu#k this" and hangs up on me.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
