I see what you are trying to accomplish here, you are trying to make me see H's behaviors objectively and to help me realize that anyone would have a problem with those kinds of behaviors, not just me.
Yes, we call it "reframing". It's easier to type.
At the present time, I'm not ready to fire H however.
Well that was really tongue-in-cheek. I really should've just asked at the end of the story, what should happen with Larry? You may not want to fire him, but certainly there's a problem with his attitude and behavior that's very serious.
H's staying in bed, no matter what reason he gives you, is because he just didn't want to help out, and he knew that if he just stayed in bed, you'd take care of whatever needed to be done. The "yeah, yeah" answer-nonsense was immature little kid stuff to thwart whatever you say. The head-on-the-table after breakfast was a demand for attention, as if to re-emphasize how badly he needed his sleep. His playing a board game with the kids instead of helping you clean up goes along with his earlier demonstration of not wanting to help, and knowing that he could excuse his avoidance by claiming that the kids needed to be tended to, that's what he opted to do, because he didn't want to do any household chores. You know that he could've decided to help, telling the kids to hold on, and then tend to the kids. Besides, it didn't matter to him that the kids needed tending to earlier whole you were busy cooking breakfast.
That's not what you want in a partner, is it really, Heather?
I don't know that I'll ever be ready, but again I suppose I can't worry about that.
Well, like it says in the DR book, some people decide they'll struggle along with whatever ails their relationship, or they'll silently put up with it the rest of their lives. Leaving is an option. Take a look at http://www.shirleyglass.com/reflect_relationships2.htm
The boundary gets crossed. They forgive. Same with emotional abuse really. Your tolerance tends to expand over time, to the point where I can put up with things that other people wouldn't.
Don't you think there's a difference between a boundary being transgressed, forgiven, and not repeated, as opposed to one where the boundaries are continually violated and trodden on and the one being violated accepts the repeated transgressions? A lifetime of that leads to what?
I notice sometimes him doing the things I've asked at a later time.
I'll take that over nothing any day.
when I got home, they were all there. SIL and MIL are on some diet, so they're cooking their own meal, everyone is everywhere, lol. It's not a problem at all, I am very close with his family and it doesn't bother me, at least it didn't until I saw a pattern with me doing all the dishes from the night before and found myself up with the kids expected to make breakfast and clean up yet again. Then I got irritated, but it honestly had nothing to do with the in-laws.
Nothing much except that they didn't help clean up, just like hubby!
Heather, they still came over uninvited, taking over. Though you didn't see their "occupation" as a problem, do you see where they're violating boundaries and you are accepting the widening of those boundaries?
I remember once, I think it was my first in-laws, did that to me too, where they came over uninvited because they knew we were having something going on, and there wasn't enough food for them, but they partook of it and the rest of us didn't have what we expected to have. Oink.
I think you're setting yourself up nicely to be able to say, in the near future, "Look, I've been calm and have given you every opportunity to address some issues but you haven't. Now we need to talk." And bring up whatever you need to address. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- That's a good idea. In order to have some examples of cases where I've "given him every opportunity", I should at least drop a few hints here and there that I find his behavior abusive without necessarily using that word....hmm. I think this is important b/c it will ring a few bells when I bring the situation up, even if he won't admit he's hearing bells. And when he starts to argue with me I can calmly point out the instances I'm talking about.
Uh oh, I can hear H's counter...
Heather: "Look, I've been calm and have given you every opportunity to address some issues but you haven't. Now we need to talk."
Larry: "Oh? We have to talk just because YOU say it's time to talk?"
Heather: "That's not the issue. The issue is it's been bothering me how I wasn't helped out getting things ready the other morning."
Larry: "I told you. I was tired. I needed sleep. Yawn. See? I'm still tired."
Heather: "I know that you were tired, but the thing is, I really could've used your help, tired or not, and that's why I kept coming to you to seek that help. It really would've been great if you could've roused yourself and helped me out. Next time around, it'd be appreciated if you were helpful."
