Learning to trust myself II

[heatherg]

Gee Heather, I don't know if this post is helpful or a vent for me or both?

Your posts are *always* helpful to me and if they can be helpful to you as well, I'm glad.

Larry got fired that afternoon.

I see what you are trying to accomplish here, you are trying to make me see H's behaviors objectively and to help me realize that anyone would have a problem with those kinds of behaviors, not just me. You are trying to make me feel sane and for that I thank you!!!
At the present time, I'm not ready to fire H however. I don't know why that is, I suppose it doesn't matter, I'm just not ready. I don't know that I'll ever be ready, but again I suppose I can't worry about that. People say they would divorce if their spouse ever cheated on them. We observe every day that some of the same people who may have thought that find themselves thinking otherwise when it actually happens. These people thought they had a boundary. The boundary gets crossed. They forgive. Same with emotional abuse really. Your tolerance tends to expand over time, to the point where I can put up with things that other people wouldn't.

So, WTBS, how do you think *I* handled the situation? H's ways are such that he won't do what I ask while I'm asking. But I notice sometimes him doing the things I've asked at a later time. I really do think he listens, he just has this voice in his head or something that tells him if he "does what I want", then he's being wimpy or something.

The in-law thing, I still don't really know how that transpired. I left at 5pm to get a facial and the plan was that SIL would come over to drop off nephew and we would eat lasagna (easy frozen stuff) and when I got home, they were all there. SIL and MIL are on some diet, so they're cooking their own meal, everyone is everywhere, lol. It's not a problem at all, I am very close with his family and it doesn't bother me, at least it didn't until I saw a pattern with me doing all the dishes from the night before and found myself up with the kids expected to make breakfast and clean up yet again. Then I got irritated, but it honestly had nothing to do with the in-laws.

How was karate?

Awesome, it felt good to be back. My butt muscles are sore today Sensai is having a make-up test sometime in the next couple of weeks, so I should be testing for purple belt. Yey!

Why? Was it 5:30 in the AM? Did he get to bed late? If not he really needs to check and see if he has a sleep disorder.

The thing is, H has always been this way. He stays up late at night and then wonders why he can't get up the next morning.... Answer seems pretty clear to me, so I haven't had much sympathy in the past.....not to mention that historically his staying up late has been tied in with drinking as well, and you won't find a sympathetic fiber in my being. Was that clear enough, lol?? BUT, H claims he *can't* go to sleep earlier. I don't understand that. He says he'll be tired all day and then "wake up" magically later in the evening, say around drinking time, ahem, I mean around 7pm.
I mentioned the sleeping disorder possiblity to him and he didn't really respond. Not dismissive, just like he didn't have anything to say. I'll do some research on it and bring it up in a more concrete way, with some details and a possible course of action for him and if he doesn't bite the bait then oh well. Oh, and I'm getting him vitamins today. Maybe some B vitamins will do his body good.

I think you're setting yourself up nicely to be able to say, in the near future, "Look, I've been calm and have given you every opportunity to address some issues but you haven't. Now we need to talk." And bring up whatever you need to address.

That's a good idea. In order to have some examples of cases where I've "given him every opportunity", I should at least drop a few hints here and there that I find his behavior abusive without necessarily using that word....hmm. I think this is important b/c it will ring a few bells when I bring the situation up, even if he won't admit he's hearing bells. And when he starts to argue with me I can calmly point out the instances I'm talking about.

Be firm and stand up for yourself. Make him believe it.

I'm trying. We're leaving for MI Thursday and we'll be driving his stupid truck even though I have a great SUV with a DVD system for the kids and plenty of room for our stuff. It's so stupid. So, it's hard to make him believe he's no longer in control of me when there's a very obvious sign that he is. Win some, lose some.....should that be my mindset you think? I thought about renting a vehicle. It would be WAY more expensive and I would really rather spend that money on one of many other things, but maybe it's something I *need* to do to establish myself more firmly? I think I have made some good positive steps, so perhaps I should do this to reinforce that?

I'm looking forward to an uneventful "going to daycare" post tomorrow

It was uneventful!!!!!!!!!! Business as usual. D2 asked to ride with H and he said "Daddy isn't going to your school today, mommy and daddy are going to different places. Maybe tomorrow I can take you." Perrrrfect.