Learning to trust myself II

[heatherg]

Well, I guess I'm not a mess. That's an exaggeration and a tendency on my behalf to focus on the parts of me that I feel are still undeveloped.

I was thinking today about my state of mind before and during my A. I realized long ago that the way my H was in the beginning of our R was something other than normal. But it didn't occur to me that it wasn't love until a couple years ago. And it took some time, but utlimately the realization shook the foundation of everything I thought I had in my H. I started questioning why he chose me (easy target to control with my low self-esteem?), why he stayed with me, what he even saw in me or loved about me. This sort of became clearer to me this morning as I was driving to work.

The realization and the resulting feelings and emotions the thought provokes of course, like so many other issues in our M, are still unresolved. But how I'm dealing with those is changing.

if he doesn't notice and appreciate some changes in you I'm going to be surprised.

Hopefully, he's already seen some changes. I've been much less of an open book since he's been gone and have not talked much at all about *me*, about what's going on at work, anything.

You know, my fear in this though is that he'll like things this way. I'm detaching not b/c I like being detached!! It's just necessary and I would certainly hope that I don't have to be detached forever....but the whole point guys is that he never showed that he cared about me much. Ok, so now I'm acting like that doesn't bother me and I'm trying to find ways and activities to take up my time and distract me and develop me as a person. But at the end of the day, H could be thinking "Wow, this is great. She leaves me alone and I get to spend every day with my kids. *AND* she seems happy to do it to boot!! What changes she's made, huh??"

And where does that leave me? "Getting" to go to karate a couple times a week??? Go me.