Heather... it sounds like your H's voice has set up residence in your head right now. You made a mistake, yes, but you've spent, what - a YEAR? now atoning!! You've made strong and positive choices for your marriage. If my H showed a millionth of the regret and commitment you've shown... well, I'd be a pretty happy chiquita. You're beating yourself up. He doesn't need to now because you've taken on that chore for him. How thoughtful of you!
Give yourself permission to forgive yourself.
I understand completely what you mean about surrendering the public perception of your perfect marriage and life. I had a terrible time telling people and knowing that even if H and I reconcile, for the rest of our lives there are those who will look at us skeptically and say 'Yeah, but remember when..."
But, I've found that people kind of like me better now. They are more willing to confide in me without fearing that I am too preoccupied with my Greeting Card Perfect Life to understand.
It's like the gorgeous wife of the hot doctor. I was cautious of her, until the day I dropped in on her and found her in her sweats with her baby screaming and her kitchen overflowing with dirty dishes and yesterday's dinner. She laughed and pointed out the flies buzzing around. My idyllic image of her was shattered and the barriers came down and we're now actual friends instead of social friends.
True friends accept and love your vulnerability, just like you've show us here! That's why we all care so much about the way your H belittles you.
But you're right about choosing who to trust or not. Sometimes that immediately sympathetic shoulder will turn on you. I've had that happen too and it's a lesson.
