Learning to trust myself II

[heatherg]

I'm finding that I'm running out of topics for counseling. What do you some of you discuss? Is is usually just a venting session or do some of you get really good input?
I'm finding that the boards serve me better than C, but maybe I'm not taking full advantage of C, I don't know. You guys are hard to beat

[heatherg]

I found more to talk about with my C than I thought I would. It's amazing how quickly an hour can pass.

I'm having a guilty day, a sorry day. One of those days where I feel like I've made such a huge mess of my M and our lives. What kind of person does what I did??? I just sit here and shake my head with disbelief that it was really me. One of the things I used to think about often before the A was how happy I was that I didn't have any regrets in my life. I was a good person. I know I'm still a good person, but I'm a different person. Sometimes I feel like a sick person. Sometimes I feel like I am so preoccupied with what other people must think of me that it consumes me. In these dark days that have comprised the last year of my life, I have told people things about me and my R that I would normally be very private about. Two people in particular that I don't even necessarily trust, I guess I just felt comfort at the time knowing they had been through this before.....when this all came down I didn't know anyone who had ever been divorced with children and I didn't find this board until about 8 months after I told H about my A.
So, having disclosed such personal details of my life, I now I feel very revealed. One of the people I told that I don't trust, unfortunately I work with. Now I feel as though everyone knows.

I liked it better before, when everyone thought H and I had the perfect marriage and we were very happy. Now people close to me know that my life is broken and as Anna pointed out on her thread, reality can be most unpleasant!!
What a crappy day...

[anna123]

Heather... it sounds like your H's voice has set up residence in your head right now. You made a mistake, yes, but you've spent, what - a YEAR? now atoning!! You've made strong and positive choices for your marriage. If my H showed a millionth of the regret and commitment you've shown... well, I'd be a pretty happy chiquita. You're beating yourself up. He doesn't need to now because you've taken on that chore for him. How thoughtful of you!

Give yourself permission to forgive yourself.

I understand completely what you mean about surrendering the public perception of your perfect marriage and life. I had a terrible time telling people and knowing that even if H and I reconcile, for the rest of our lives there are those who will look at us skeptically and say 'Yeah, but remember when..."

But, I've found that people kind of like me better now. They are more willing to confide in me without fearing that I am too preoccupied with my Greeting Card Perfect Life to understand.

It's like the gorgeous wife of the hot doctor. I was cautious of her, until the day I dropped in on her and found her in her sweats with her baby screaming and her kitchen overflowing with dirty dishes and yesterday's dinner. She laughed and pointed out the flies buzzing around. My idyllic image of her was shattered and the barriers came down and we're now actual friends instead of social friends.

True friends accept and love your vulnerability, just like you've show us here! That's why we all care so much about the way your H belittles you.

But you're right about choosing who to trust or not. Sometimes that immediately sympathetic shoulder will turn on you. I've had that happen too and it's a lesson.

Stuff like this shows you people's true colours!

[heatherg]

Thank you Anna. I think I'm just having a bad day. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Forgiveness comes and goes. I don't know if that's normal or not, but that's how it is for me. I remember you saying at one point you found yourself looking at single women....I study married women and wonder if they have ever done something like I did. I wonder often if it must be a true reflection of one's character and tell things about a person that they never knew were true. And then I look at how their H reacts to them, if he puts his hand in the small of her back or holds her hand or kisses her or how he looks at her....and I wonder if I'll ever have that back, really have that back.

See ya tomorrow. BTW, I'm borrowing your word, chiquita

[KimDownUnder]

Heather yes you made a mistake but you are paying for it too. I like Anna only wish my H could feel the regret you do. I think it is time you forgave yourself and just started being you, don't dwell on the past...KDU

[heatherg]

Thanks you guys. I appreciate you!! I wish I had girlfriends in real life. I have a couple college friends that still live in the area and I should try to be more social with them. Going back to the "public perception" though, I just don't feel like I have anything worthy to contribute to a friendship. I'm a mess and not much fun to be around b/c I can't think of things to say anymore that don't somehow relate to my creepy M. Someone please tell me that will pass in time and I will be fun loving again.

H comes home tomorrow....my time and space has come to an end. It's back to real life which will hopefully not be as bad as the real life before he left. I need to focus on the positives right? Ok, I'm anxious to get back to karate. I plan to start exercising again, even if it's just a mile on the treadmill~started my crunches and push ups tonight. It will be nice to have help with the kids. They are at an age where they fight constantly and that is very wearing on my nerves!! Tucker is 4 and Elora is 2 and it amazes me that they fight, but they do. One will actually say that the other is looking at them, as though I am supposed to do something about it, silly wabbits. They don't seem to understand my response that if they look the other way, they won't know the other is still looking at them, lol. I'm also looking forward to not having to pay someone to cut the grass. Looking forward to the nice moments H and I have, when we have them. That's all I can think of. Negative ones keep popping up, but I'm shutting them down. I'm going to be ok, this is going to be fine because I will make it fine if it starts to not be fine.

[Burgbud]

I'm a mess and not much fun to be around b/c I can't think of things to say anymore that don't somehow relate to my creepy M.

I don't believe that. You definitely need to get back to karate.


I'm going to be ok, this is going to be fine because I will make it fine if it starts to not be fine.

Damn right. But make sure you give yourself permission to not be perfect all the time...just working at it.

I don't wanna say anything negative about H on the eve of his return, but if he doesn't notice and appreciate some changes in you I'm going to be surprised. Good luck!

[heatherg]

Well, I guess I'm not a mess. That's an exaggeration and a tendency on my behalf to focus on the parts of me that I feel are still undeveloped.

I was thinking today about my state of mind before and during my A. I realized long ago that the way my H was in the beginning of our R was something other than normal. But it didn't occur to me that it wasn't love until a couple years ago. And it took some time, but utlimately the realization shook the foundation of everything I thought I had in my H. I started questioning why he chose me (easy target to control with my low self-esteem?), why he stayed with me, what he even saw in me or loved about me. This sort of became clearer to me this morning as I was driving to work.

The realization and the resulting feelings and emotions the thought provokes of course, like so many other issues in our M, are still unresolved. But how I'm dealing with those is changing.

if he doesn't notice and appreciate some changes in you I'm going to be surprised.

Hopefully, he's already seen some changes. I've been much less of an open book since he's been gone and have not talked much at all about *me*, about what's going on at work, anything.

You know, my fear in this though is that he'll like things this way. I'm detaching not b/c I like being detached!! It's just necessary and I would certainly hope that I don't have to be detached forever....but the whole point guys is that he never showed that he cared about me much. Ok, so now I'm acting like that doesn't bother me and I'm trying to find ways and activities to take up my time and distract me and develop me as a person. But at the end of the day, H could be thinking "Wow, this is great. She leaves me alone and I get to spend every day with my kids. *AND* she seems happy to do it to boot!! What changes she's made, huh??"

And where does that leave me? "Getting" to go to karate a couple times a week??? Go me.

[Burgbud]

You know, my fear in this though is that he'll like things this way.

It will be a double-edged sword for him. He'll like that you're happy with less effort from him. I'd guess the tension in your house will be lower and he'll like that. He may even be a little afraid to interact with you for fear of rocking the boat.

But the fact that you're happy with less effort from him will also work on his insecurities. How will he handle that? Will your independent happiness be threatening? Hopefully you'll be able to bring him around to the idea that he can join you in the new place where you are, but that you won't be joining him if he wants to go back to the place you were.

Today's the day! I'm sending you massive positive vibes.

[heatherg]

Well, it's back to karate today!! The other students will probably fall on the floor when they see me walk in the door. It's funny, once I came on a day that's not one of my usual days and one of they guys joked that I messed him all up b/c now he keeps thinking it's Friday. Funny b/c H has set a pretty rigid schedule in our house, that I follow by default and I have people teasing *me* about that schedule, lol.

Well, H has definitely displayed his old self this weekend. Giving me silent treatment/very short dismissive answers b/c something didn't go his way. I just ignored it as though it wasn't happening, kept talking to him, asking questions and making statements the same way I would have any other time. Is that a good reaction do you think? Or do you think it would be better to totally withdraw from him when he behaves that way and cut out all but necessary interaction? The latter seems to drag things out, as I've tried it in the past. But that doesn't necessarily mean it's not the way to handle it. Thoughts? The emotional abuse book is pretty adamant that I am supposed to confront H and tell him that he has been emotionally abusing me and then I am to point out the occurences when they happen. I don't think that would go over so well with my H.

So, H initiated nephew's sleepover last night and this morning, H stays in bed while I am up with the kids. They start mentioning breakfast and H and I discussed last night that french toast would be breakfast. So, I go down to H's bedroom and tell him the kids are up and I will need to make breakfast soon. I get out the griddle and the stuff, wait a bit and then go back down and ask him to get up yet again, he keeps falling back asleep as I'm standing there. I ask "Is this how you intended it to be? Me up with kids, making breakfast and doing the dishes while you sleep in?" Normally, this isn't a problem, as he usually does sleep in an hour or so longer than me on the weekends, not a big deal. But normally we don't have other children in the house that he has invited either. I ask him if he feels I'm being unreasonable and he says "yes". Then everything I try to say after that, he just keeps saying "yes, yes" [being unreasonable] because I also mentioned that I did all the dishes last night after dinner (his parents unexpectedly showed, in addition to his sister and her two kids who we planned to have). So, he gets up but doesn't help with anything and after we finish eating (H wouldn't eat), H has his head down on the table. I say "H, if you are that tired, go back to bed, that is fine with me. It's not that I minded making the breakfast or doing the dishes last night, I just don't want it to be expected. You just let me get up this morning w/out saying a word to me and I was just expected to get everything going. If you would have said "I don't feel well or I really need some extra sleep, I would really appreciate it if you could handle breakfast", I would have gladly done it, go ahead and go back to bed and I will take the kids outside in a little bit. He gets up and walks away, leaves me with all the dishes, still on the table. He starts a board game with the kids while I do the dishes.

I pestered him to get up this morning, not a good thing. Hopefully I made up for it with what I felt was a calm reasonable explanation of why I was upset and what he could have done differently if he wanted to sleep in.