Regarding the OP/OM ordeal...I have read lots of things on this...the way I see it...there is also some attraction your mate has having a "secret" from you...that also drives your mate to the other person...I believe strongly that taking the wind out of that sail real quick sucks some of the fun out of it for the cheating spouse. Either way you will go down cheeseless tunnesl regarding 'who they are & what they are like' but at least you have taken the "mystery" from your mate...it is bad enough they are out their with OP let alone it being a big mystery @ their control. I confronted my H immediately...and paid attention to his actions after that...so I know by his actions what is going on...I know my H hates the fact that I know...and he hates even more that he knows I know...and that I can even tell by his actions when he has talked with her...takes all the fun out of it...like he is a teenager sneaking out on his parents...
And now...when he acts out...I just shake it off....and smile...which really gets his goat...if he thinks he will sneak off...and me cry again...won't happen...now I have changed the tables a bit....and he doesn't know what I am doing. Last night he even had a nightmare (must have been me gone) because he grabbed me and held me tight for a long time...said he was scared.
Not sure what I said made sense...but the way I see it...my H has too much of the upper hand right now...so I am trying to gain a small portion back...just enough to pull at his heart strings...and enough that maybe the OW isn't quite as fun to run to... Not sure this will work for you...as my marriage is by no means on the road to recovery (we are still on the fence until H rides out MLC & chooses who he wants)...so not sure I am one to advise...but think about it...never know.
