All went fairly well last night. As I'm currently upstairs from my W's business, I arrived home early and needed a nap as I was up at 4 am to travel for business. She had left me a voice mail message on my cell, and I didn't realize it until I got home, she needed my opinion on something business related. I called her back and she asked where I was, and I said "upstairs", and she was surprised I was home so early, so I just said I'm tired, but she asked if we were still meeting later. I said sure and laid down. A little while later, she knocked on my door to bring me what was left over from her lunch. I thanked her and took it and said I'll see you later...don't know if she was expecting me to invite her in, but I tried not to appear anxious. When her work day was over I expected her to let me know what the plan was for the evening, but I didn't hear from her. I went downstairs to get something from the car, and she asked if I had gotten her messages. I told her no, and then looked at my phone and realized I had turned the ringer off so I could nap. She said anyhow, she had to stay late to wait for a client and wanted to know if I wanted to join her and her asst. for a glass of wine. So even though she knows that in 13 years, I've never been a wine drinker, I obliged and the three of us sat and talked and laughed.
When her client finally arrived, she quickly dispatched her, sent her help home and we headed to our house. OUr S6 was at a family Bday party and we called to see if he could spend the night. So we got down to talking. We started by talking about finances, with her business woes she hasn't contributed to our income since last December, and through some creative financing I've held it all together, but I admitted that it's time for her to contribute. This was an easy discussion. We than talked about our S6, and I expressed concern that he was acting out a lot with me, becoming easily frustrated with seemingly mundane problems. She at first said she hadn't seen any of that, and thought it might be that he is playing more video games. I said that's not likely and described one of his episodes, and she said that it sounds like he got it from her. I said I was glad she said it, because I agreed. We further discussed how he has seemed to be okay with the current situation, but it's probably time to offer reassurances that Mom and Dad both love him and are having a difficult time getting along ourselves...the kicker for me is that she kept repeating that no matter what happens to us, he has to know we are still a family...even if we end up with somebody else and live on opposite sides of the globe, we will always be a family and always be in each others life. She went on to explain how her new friend has this relationship with all of her Ex's...that at every holiday they all get together with all the various children and spouses...and she thinks that we could work that way if it came down to it. I didn't agree necessarily, but I said I could see where it would have some advantages...validation, validation!!! Anyhow, we got down to the R talk, which she did most of.... She started by saying "I never thought in a million years it would come to this, but then again, I never thought all of the stuff that happened in the last three years would have happened... and she listed them continuously throughout My father died and my S6 (he was 4 at the time) was the one that found him dead on the bathroom floor.. My W quit her job shortly thereafter, and feels as though she was forced out due to professional jealousy of her direct supervisor (I agree)...it was a career in academia as a professor and researcher which she lamented that she had spent her whole adult life preparing for and wanting to do nothing else.... She started up a business, investing most or our savings and securing loans to put us further in debt, only to have our son get sick 3 months into it, and enduring 8 months of treatments before ultimately succumbing to Cancer....we had to sign a DNR for him the day before he died....we hadn't really talked about this together since then and to be honest I haven't seen her cry since his funeral, although she has caught me on several occasions in the middle of a meltdown....well, she finally cracked in my presence last night and it was heart wrenching to know that she has been bottling this up all this time.... Months of unresolved grief, the two of us drifting apart to spare the other our own grief.... The threat to her business that pushed her as close to the edge as she's ever been. She said this was probably the biggest catalyst because it didn't have to happen. Her landlord and her business neighbors conspired to get rid of her, showing absolutely no compassion for the difficulties we had faced... Needless to say, an insenitive remark on my part to one of her stress related bad moods became the final straw. I said she was being selfish over some such event, and she said that nailed it for her, because she never pictured herself as ever being selfish about anything. So she decided that if I thought she was selfish, then selfish she would be. She decided it's all about her and her own self preservation, and her self esteem, and her personal healing...She said she was angry when she decided to leave me and thought it would be a short term solution. Because I brought her family into it to try to get their help, I was responsible for severing her relationships with her family, especially her mother who she never wants to see or speak to again. She said she blamed me for that but now sees it wasn't really my fault, it just placed a spotlight on the relationship she had/or didn't have with her mother. Very little talk of the OM, if any. I explained that there is no shame in being attracted to somebody else, it's what you decide to do as a result. She said that's just the problem, she doesn't know what to do. I validated that I know how she feels, that if i had been a more attentive husband when she really needed it, perhaps she wouldn't be looking for attention elsewhere. She said that if she hadn't always lost her temper and taken it out on me, that maybe I wouldn't have put up walls to defend myself. But she says that these feelings she has for the OM are confusing the hell out of her, and she doesn't know what she should do about it. I explained that I can't tell her what to do about this, no more than I can tell her how to do anything else. She has to make her own decisions, and that regardless of what happens, I still love her and since I have no current plans, I will be available to her for whatever she needs.
She made it clear that she wasn't always dissatisfied and said if all of these events of the past three years had not cascaded upon us, we would not be where we are right now. She said the stress finally broke her will and now she doesn't know what she can do about her life. It's as if everything she has ever valued in life has spun out of control, and she doesn't know how to regain it. I tried to explain that life is a series of choices and you have to live and die by your own choices. If you're making choices there is the grass is always greener approach, but you don't know until you try, and then there is the tried and true, known result approach. She claims she's always been the latter and look where it got her, dead son, failed career, floundering business, marriage in trouble....she says she is willing to sit back and wait to see whatever life throws at her and she doesn't expect me to wait around while she fixes herself. So Whaddya' think?? This is sounding like a full blown stress induced MLC? She says she loves me and I believe her. It was very evident last night. But she also said she is confused and I didn't need her to tell me that, her behaviour over the last several months has made that obvious. I've decided to back off and just be the best friend she can have right now. We did have a tight and lingering hug which is the first physical contact I have had with her since she announced she was leaving. It felt so good...and now I want more, but as NYS points out in his posts all over these boards, patience is your greatest ally right now. I did tell her that I appear to be doing so good with this because I've already endured the worst experience that life can throw at you....by comparison this is a walk in the park, and once I diffused my negative energy early in the process, I can only be positive about it. If you've stuck around this long, thanks for listening!!
