If I could figure out how to insert links you could see my sitch. Anyhow, when my WAW left, she said that she was a person who needed somebody who loved her and could show her affection and that she no longer wanted that from me. She claims there is nobody else and I would have believed that however I have my suspicions. There is a guy that she knows that she claims is a friend that has helped her in relocating the business she started up. She considers him a mentor. Perhaps I should point out her business is a Doggy Daycare and he is a Groomer/Trainer that has assisted her with a dog rescue as part of an organization that she is part of. She doesn't really have too many opportunities to spend time with him as our son is with her most of the times when she is not working. I know this guy from various social functions and have no animosity towards him, however, I don't know him well enough to know if he is low enough to move in on another man's wife even though we are separated. I don't think she has crossed the line at this point, but I gather from my sister-in-law that she does have a certain fascination with him and she may be curious to explore it. This doesn't surprise me as she has always had a sort of hero worship for any of her advisers while working on her Masters and PhD, both men and women of various backgrounds. I did express my disappointment when I saw him at her apartment and confronted her on it explaining it was inappropriate, but of course, that only made her more frustrated with me. What do I do? I know him well enough to approach him....should I? I must add that I am not angry at this point.
A psychologist I met recently said to me about these things, "if you have a gut feeling that something's up, then something's up, because there's no cause to get that feeling if everything's fine in a relationship". That pretty much goes along with the general observation that if there's something to suggest it, it's there.
As terrible as that may be, approaching the OM is another matter altogether. First off, the problem isn't with him, the problem are the issues between you and your WAS for which her 'fix' is the OM. OM (and OP) are interchangeable. In fact, they needn't even be in the picture to have a WAS though it's common. OP can be anybody: if not him, then it would've been someone else, or could've been someone else. The thing about the OP is this: they're different than you, they make the WAS feel good about themselves, and it could be anybody.
Secondly, though inherently it feels right to confront him, the reality is that he could likely come down twice as hard on you. He might tell you off, stuff that can really cut you, whether it's true or not. Stuff that can haunt your vision for years to come. Why open the door to being treated to that?
Thirdly, and related to the first above mentioned, is that it takes your focus off the real issues, and knowledge of the OM can have you go down some cheeseless tunnels. He's better looking, he's wealthier, he lives in a nicer neighborhood, drives a better car, is more accomplished, knows how to captivate people at a party telling a story, a better lover, better dresser, whatever... and the truth is, while your brain gets wrapped up in that, is that none of that really matters. It really doesn't. This is all about how you love someone. So, any dwelling on the OM unconsciously influences you and thus undermines how you go about dealing with your W because of the images it paints in your head, you see?
But I'll betcha that what the OM is not is this: he's not an expert on how to love someone, how to nurture a relationship. he doesn't know any more about that than the next guy, and so, is prone to the same relationship woes as anyone else. He's also human, has his faults, and there's a reason he's not in his own upright long term relationship right now.
Outstanding advice! Thank you! The funny thing is again from what I know of this guy, having shared a few beers with him on several occasions, he is not very fond of people in general, doesn't have great relationships with women, would rather share his life with a number of dogs, has treated my W's assistant like crap(who worked part time for him), and is experiencing difficulty dealing with his mother's terminal illness, a woman that has become one of my wife's best friends. I almost see this as her opportunity to minister to her by taking care of her son. Long before any of this happened, my W and her assistant commented on what an a$$ he was and how gross he was. He was just another guy to have a beer with after work. He's not wealthy or any of the "better than" scenarios, but you are right he is just another person that is not me. But knowing or rather suspecting all of this, I'm joining a health club tomorrow and going to spend my extra time making my body healthy, and wait for my books to be delivered to get my mind right. In the meantime, I'm cool. I think you made me realize what I knew I should do, but didn't exactly know why. You nailed it, thanks!
You've received the usual sound advice from NYS. Just wanted to point out a sad rule of thumb in the world of infidelity. I was first told this rule of thumb by a private investigator I spoke to a week before I confirmed that my W was cheating. I also just read it in Shirley Glass' "Not 'Just Friends'". The rule says that a marriage is a relationship that is built on trust. When you have a suspicion that that trust has been broken, more often than not, your suspicions are correct.
I hope in your case that this rule doesn't apply. Looking back on my stitch before I discovered the A, I can see how I knew more than I wanted to admit to myself.
DBing can work. Read the books. Listen to the advice here. Good luck.
Even if my suspicions are true, I guess I've already expended too much emotional energy being angry, I've actually considered how I'm going to overcome it. If I could figure out how to include a link to my sitch, you'd see that I've been through worse than this. By the way, I checked out your sitch (I didn't get through it all) but I feel for you, man. This sucks on so many levels, but I'm turning in now so I can spring out of bed at 5 am to start rebuilding me. Thanks for the support!
If your gut tells you an OM is involved - then there is. HOWEVER...DO NOT DWELL ON IT. It will do you no good. Listen to what NYS said - he is dead-on on this!!! As much as it hurts - do not dwell on OM. Instead, focus on your WAW on how you can win her back. The OM is not the issue...(now if I can stick to my guns in my own sitch, ha!)
Bryan
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
You know what? I don't really worry about it right now. I just went to watch friends of mine from work at a softball game and went out and had a couple of post game beers. My S6 was with me and he was embraced by all of my coworkers. I confided to one of my good friends on the sitch and she was terribly sympathetic. Nobody else really knew, but I really bonded with these people like I hadn't before. They were glad I was there because I can be a fun person to be with. My W is at a meeting that the OM is also at and I could really give a damn. I had fun and now I have a whole circle of friends that are insisting I spend more time with them. Plus I spent the day doing volunteer work as part of a United Way Day of Caring and I met several people that convinced me that there was plenty of things I could fill my free time with. It's time to start being the new me. For the first time in a long time, I had a great day!!!
Quote: For the first time in a long time, I had a great day!!!
Congrats!! Glad you had fun, and had your S with you!! Keep hanging with friends and family! This is a great way to spend your free time. Continue to have fun!
Bryan
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Thanks! I really started to adopt a new philosophy when I visited this site and start reading the many threads. I started to "get it", and decided that I needed to focus on me. Today when I called the W to say I was picking up the S early to go to the zoo, she actually greeted me with an "up tempo" tone of voice as opposed to the recent "oh it's you" tone. She was smiling when I got there and even joked about a goofy hat I was wearing from the United Way event. I was literally singing a happy tune when I went to her place (as I have done in better days), and I think she was taken aback by my less than business like attitude when we did the hand-off. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but she seemed to be amused by my happier than usual demeanor. Anyhow, I went out, had a good time and connected on a different level with a lot of people that I've been forced to be all business with. It was fun!!
You've got a great vibe going on right now that's coming through on your posts... there's no way that your W isn't feeling it too... and reacting to it!
