Still trying....

[ValerieA]

Journaling:

I just had another heart-to-heart with H.......and for the first time in quite some time, I am feeling a little optimistic about US, but I am also very scared.

I am in tears right now as I type this.... .... I am just so afraid and uncertain and so confused.

He is saying what I want to hear...that he loves me...very much...and he wants to be a family again and start doing more together as a family should...that he wants to show me and make me feel romance and passion again...he wants to make me feel special again...H actually asked me with "passion" like he used to long ago, "What will it take for me to sweep you off your feet, Valerie? Because that is what I want to do."

He again said he wants to move back in but knows that would be a mistake, so his goal to be back in the house is the 1st of the year....2 months....If it doesn't happen, he wants to sell the house, pay off everything, then split it all 50/50.

He also said that none of the MCs have called him back yet either, so first thing in the morning, he's going to be on the phone again (I didn't bring it up; H did on his own).

Why do I feel sooo scared???

Could it really work?

Could we really be happy together?

How can I feel like I want to try but then I don't at the same time???

I want to believe H, but I can't.

I feel like a mental mess right now....I hear the bath bubbles calling my name . They sound really good.

Thanks for listening.

Valerie

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[ValerieA]

Journaling:

Well, that optimism was short-lived ....Ugh .

(SIGH)....I just don't think it's going to work. We've had several interactions over the last few days, and in each one of them, one of us took something the other said too seriously. Then every time H would make some sort of sexual overture, it just rubbed me the wrong way .

I going to get rather explicit now, so please excuse me, but I need to just get it out.

I don't want to be f***ed. I have felt like that's all I have been getting from H for the last few years. No romance, no passion, no closeness. He is all into dirty talk, and I've gone along with it for so long because I knew that's what he wanted. Even when we were intimate about a month ago, he started talking that way with me. I asked him, "No please. Don't talk like that." He just looked at me and continued with the dirty talk.

I just do not feel very feminine, lady-like, or respected by him when he does that....and he won't stop because that's what HE likes.

I just talked to him about an hour ago. We were talking about some repairs he had done to his car before he left for Oregon again. Then out of nowhere, he said flirtingly, "You wanna get f***ed, huh?"....OMG, it makes me soooo sick just typing that !!!!....I said, "What??!!!" Then he repeated himself. I let out kind of a disgusted "ugh" and said, "No, H, I do not want to get f***ed." He kept saying "yeah you do", and I kept saying no. I told him I was tired of f***ing. He said, "What? You say it like you're doing it all the time!" I said, "Whatever, H. You know....to me, there's two kinds of sex. There's intimacy with romance and passion...making love...then there's f***ing....and I'm just tired of it." Then he got p*ssed off and said, "Why can't you just f***ing lighten up?! I'm getting off the phone now! Goodbye!" CLICK! <--- Oh, how he loves doing that .

(SIGH)....I have two LLs -- One is QT, and the other is PT. When it comes to PT, I want to feel feminine, desired, and loved in a certain special way. I do NOT want to feel like.....I can't even think of the right words to describe it....Used??...Like I'm just there??...I don't know.

For someone who just told me a few days ago that he wanted to sweep me off my feet, well.....it's not happening.

Thanks for listening.

Valerie

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[dodgermf]

he said flirtingly, "You wanna get f***ed, huh?"....

Val,

You should have said, "No thanks, I got f***ed 8 years ago when I agreed to marry you!!" .

Oh, and by the way, how does one say something like that "flirtingly"??

DMF

[ValerieA]

Hey, D.

You should have said, "No thanks, I got f***ed 8 years ago when I agreed to marry you!!" .

No kidding!

Oh, and by the way, how does one say something like that "flirtingly"??

"Flirtingly"???...Is that even a word? I was venting, so I think I just came up with that . What's the right word? Flirtatiously? Oh well .

H's way of flirting is....well...he's a pig ! He's not like that all the time, but sometimes he just is. I didn't like it at first when he started doing it which was about 2 years after we were M'ed, but I guess he liked that kind of talk all of a sudden, so I went along with it for him. It wasn't always a bad thing either ....at times, the "intensity" was great ....but....(SIGH)....I can't remember the last time it was romantic. That's sad ....it's been THAT long , and I can't remember.

Oooohhhhh weeellllll....Time to get the kids in the tub then off to bed.

Thanks for listening.

Valerie

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[DonH]

Hi honey - it's me your nemesis (how can I be one if I'm not even sure how to spell it I don't know but) Are you starting with a beginners mind? Are you asking for what you want? How is H supposed to know that this is not what you want, when in your own words you have been doing it for two years? We here reading this all understand you have not liked it that you have just put up with it because you thought it was what he wanted. Well it's time to tell him what you want and what you need. You must do this. You can't be upset with him for things he does not know about. For what's it's worth, you are starting to win me over with who I like better in your relationship between you and H. This man clearly needs a lot of work but that doesn't matter, now does it, because we all need a lot of work. No one said this would be easy. Hell you don't even know that he woudln't do what you need him to. All you know is that when you tried one method to change it, it didn't work. Well, okay, then try something else. I'm thinking the direct approach is what he needs. Sit him down and tell him that you need the romance, etc. If he doesn't give it to you that is a reflection on HIM - not on YOU. It's okay to ask for what you need. Actually it's mandatory that you ask for what you need.

[ValerieA]

Journaling:

Happy Halloween!

Nothing really exciting to report. I am, however, looking forward to taking the kids out for trick-or-treating tonight ! S9 dressed up this year as a skeleton (his first time ever choosing to be something "spooky"), S6 will be Spiderman, and S1 is going to be Superman....he looks too adorable in his little red cape !

S9 and S6 actually talked me into dressing up this year . I don't think I've worn a costume since I was 19 or 20 (for work). Anyway, I was going to be a witch, but then I thought "nah"; I'll be a kitty cat -- simple and cute !

I talked with H last night (he should be back by now from OR). He's going to meet us tonight here at the house for trick-or-treating. We talked for a while, and he told me how the show was going for them. We also chatted about the fights/fighters on "The Ultimate Fighter 2" (a reality show on SpikeTV). H missed one episode, so I told him he could watch it over here if he wanted to since I recorded it on the DVR. He seemed to be thrilled about that. Then after he was quiet for a moment, H said, "I miss watching it with you." I told him, "Me, too."

I do miss those times....times when I felt we were best friends....it didn't matter what we were doing or watching....we were like the best of friends....watching baseball, basketball, football, UFC fights, boxing, or actually going to games....we always laughed together and/or were amazed at the same plays, submissions, knockouts, whatever....those were all good times.

Valerie

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[ValerieA]

Hi, Don.

I DID tell H what I wanted...what I needed. I told him not long after he originally moved out...I told him the way back into my heart was to "date" me again...make me feel like his special "princess" again...that was 4 months ago. He had said to me, "...You want romance and stuff. What if I can't do that? I'm not saying I won't, but what if I can't?"

I don't need roses, gifts, luxurious trips, or whatever....I just want his attention, his affection, and his time again. I used to have it almost all the time, but then he took on that last job of his, and it took him away from me...from us...and now he's talking about going to work for a former co-worker doing the same thing again....which means he will be on the road all the time...AGAIN.

You're right -- I went along with the "talking", so I shouldn't expect him to not do it anymore, but what the he** is that??!! During our last moment, I asked him not to talk like that, and what did he do?! He kept on with it ! Did he not just hear me then??!! I KNOW HE DID.

Ok, I lost my train of thought once again ! I just got off the phone with H. He called to confirm tonight's plans. Anyway, thanks for listening.

Valerie

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[DonH]

He had said to me, "...You want romance and stuff. What if I can't do that? I'm not saying I won't, but what if I can't?"

What that says to me is that he already was concerend that he couldn't do that. I'll even take it a step further in that it says to me that he thinks he can't do it because he just doesn't know how. Take it from someone who has a WAW who thinks that she told me in no uncertain terms what she needed - and ya know what, maybe she did - for 90% of the guys out there. Problem is, I must have fell in the remaining 10%. We have just barely started R talk but I can already tell that she is thinking (and has even sort of said it already) that "I told him all of that" Well she thinks she did, but I didn't get it. I'll take the blame for it even though I can't explain it. A light bulb just went on for me after D day when I picked up DR. Now I get it. I get so much of what she was trying to tell me. I just honestly didn't get it before and I don't think your H get's it either and he knows it - he was already afraid of it. I think he can do it if he really tries and you help him. Now again, you can only do 50% of it not all of it. As for the talk during sex, I think he is afraid that the only way he will be able to "perform" is in the manner. After all, it's been his MO or his crutch for so many years. He doens't know anything else or if he can do anything else. Let him know that it's okay, that you are not going to judge him and that sex can be just as good "your" way some times as it is now "his" way. Once, again, something really tells me that's what's going on here. I agree - he heard you alright. He heard you with both items. He just doesn't think he can meet your expications and is really worried about it.

Any chance that this makes sense?

[dodgermf]

For what's it's worth, you are starting to win me over with who I like better in your relationship between you and H.

Forgive me Don, but that might be (IMO) the most assinine and insensitive comment I've seen. Do you mean to tell me that before this you actually took Val's husband's side in this? Don, I'm sure you mean well (?) but really... Far be it for me to speak for her but I bet Val is so happy that she's starting to "win you over".

Valerie, it is really none of my business whether you give him another chance or tell him to pound sand. I'm sorry, I just cringe when I read things like this. Since you are getting opinions posted here, I'll give mine then I'll shut up:

A) You've put up with so much sh*t over the past many months.

B) For better or worse, you are more patient than anyone I've seen out here.

C) Simply said: You deserve better.

Sorry for getting a little vocal this evening but maybe because it is Halloween, it is appropriate that comments like that scare me...

Take care Val...DMF

[DonH]

DMF: Perhaps I have taken a liberty that I should not have, but I most certainly did not take it with you. I have posted to Valerie quite a few times before and have made joking, smart a** comments with her in the past. For example in a very recent post I started off by calling her honey. You might as well take me to task for that one as well. I am pretty sure she "gets" these comments of mine and am guessing she got this one too. Obvviously you have not. But then again, like I said, it wasn't meant for you. If in fact I have offended her, and she has not understood or taken these comments in the light hearted manner they were most certainly meant, I will without hesitation appologize to her. However, I will not appologize to you (for your inability to understand a light hearted banter that was started many weeks prior to sticking your nose in).

Valerie: Please let me know if I have offended you in any way with what I hoped were playful comments while dealing with a very serious subject. If I have, I will make ammends. If not, at least it should be nice to know that you have others out there just waiting to come to your defense. Or perhaps they don't like the fact that I got away with calling you honey. JOKE alert - that was nother attempt and banter and humor - it was another mini Ha Ha.

Take care all.