Still trying....

[ValerieA]

Hello, everyone, and thank you for stopping by .

Thanks for the hugs, (((((Kim)))))...I noticed, too, that I didn't mention anything about whether or not I still love H...but I think I did when I wrote down that I feel I have completely detached. I care for him, but I do not love him...I know that love is not a feeling; it is a decision...and right now, it is a decision that I just can't make.


Don,...yes I am struggling...I was originally the LBS, and now I've turned into the WAW....I AM feeling very conflicted inside...I'd like to believe H, but I just can't...H keeps saying this and that, but I don't see it. I've even told him that I need to see he really means what he's saying in his actions...I've told him about spending more time together..."dating" me again, showering me with attention like he used to, making me feel like his princess again...but still, nothing has happened. He said, "What if I can't do that? You want romance and stuff. I'm not saying I won't, but what if I can't? What if I don't feel that way anymore?"

I would love to have those feelings back...feeling special, feeling treasured, feeling wanted, desired, loved...NOT feeling like a financial burden, a responsibility, or anything else that's negative....and I don't even think I want to feel special to H....I feel that in time, when I am ready for it, I want to feel all of those good feelings...but with someone else.


Unsure, I totally agree with you...Why should I try just because H says it will be better? Why should I be expected to take his word for it?...that's the way H comes off to me...that I should believe him just because he's saying so...that I should trust him because he means it THIS time.

I've been thinking...it's all I ever do ...that I'll agree to MC. This will at least get H into going, and we all know he DOES NEED IT....but is it right for me to go, too, if I don't even know for sure that I want to work things out? Don't I have to want it?...because I don't feel that I do want this.

Boundaries...well, I ABSOLUTELY will NOT tolerate the verbal abuse anymore . IF I decide to try and really work on this, any and all verbal, mental, and/or emotional abuse is a DEFINITE deal breaker! The very second he utters anything like that again, THAT WILL BE IT. I WILL BE DONE.

Thanks again to ((((every one of you))))....I am struggling inside...very much...it's difficult to describe...I feel that I'm struggling with my mind and not my heart. My heart doesn't ache anymore...only my head....I'm just really confused.

Ok, time for lunch . Thanks for listening.

Valerie (I had to change it -- finally!)

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."