Self-fulfilling? No. I don't feel that it was at all. I sat here for an hour while making out that list, and I went to work on the "TO TRY's" first....I sat here...just sat here...trying to think of every possible POSITIVE reason for why I should give H another shot. This part took me a good 45 minutes...that is TOO long...45 minutes, and I was only able to come up with 3 reasons....The "NOT TO TRY's" only took me less than 10 minutes, and once I got going on them, they were just flowing.
Please don't tell me that I didn't try very hard or not hard enough because I DID. I AM pro-M...why the he** would I have come here in the first place if I wasn't?...but MY M is just a BAD one, and I SERIOUSLY do not believe it could ever be better. I do not believe that H wants to try because he doesn't want to lose me or because he loves me or because he thinks a D is a mistake. I believe it's the money issue. In another convo yesterday, he repeatedly brought it up...how he can't afford to support the boys and me while living with (mf)...oh, and especially because he is unemployed at the moment, too. I don't feel nor do I believe that H wants to genuinely work on the M for the right reasons.
Fears? Ok, I'd have to change them to just one huge fear, and that would be the overall fear of opening up my heart to H again...but you know what? I DO NOT believe that I can. When he's around me...even if we're just on the phone...I get this "cold" feeling inside of me. I feel nothing for him. Even when he sits here in front of me and cries. Yes, I cry, too, sometimes...but that's because I'm feeling my pain, not his. My pain...the pain of remembering all the sh*t he has done and said to me...all the times he's said he is truly sorry...all the promises he made to never do or say them again. Everytime that man cries and says he's really sorry, I feel nothing for him because I just don't believe him.
You know...you only get what you give...and I have nothing to give to H anymore. He had too many second, third, fourth, umpteenth chances...and he blew every single one of them.
He tells me that I will not regret giving him this chance...I DO NOT BELIEVE HIM. I believe I will regret it the very second he "knocks" me down again...and that will happen. I just know it will. I know he's only human, we all make mistakes, and I know he'll backslide, but I'm not willing to subject myself to any further emotional and verbal abuse by this man.
I've had enough...12 years is definitely more than enough. It's a shame I wasn't strong enough to see it back then when it all first started, but I am now.
JV
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
