Still trying....

[ValerieA]

I made my list...it's basically just a bunch of notes, so here it goes:

REASONS TO TRY

* for my boys
* H is FINALLY agreeing to MC
* H says he promises that I won't regret it

REASONS NOT TO TRY

- TOO MANY fears and doubts
- fear of being called a b****, a c*nt, or whatever else when I do or say something to p*ss H off
- fear of empty hugs, kisses, ML...no "real" emotional and/or physical intimacy
- fear of falling back into being the "old JV" (miserable, unhappy, etc...all in reaction (because I allow it ) to H's negativity about EVERYTHING)
- fear of being told he hates me and/or feeling it
- fear of being told that this M was a mistake...again
- doubting that I can ever really love H the way he needs/wants to be loved
- I don't trust him with my heart anymore
- I don't trust him...PERIOD.
- I feel better when he's not around...more at ease, less stressed, happier (not necessarily happy...just happier), content
- I'm afraid that it's just too late...that I've completely detached


I did say that I felt there would be more bad than good.

I feel like I really need more time to think it over, and my family isn't helping much . They tell me that a decision needs to be made and quickly. I agree that I need to decide, but if I'm still unsure then I believe I need the time.

Why am I having such a hard time with this??? Everything tells me that this R is just BAD. VERY BAD, and it won't be better. Then I think about my kids.....the boys are what keep me from just saying no...but I DO NOT want to "stay together for the kids".

Just too many doubts about this M, and I'm afraid of making the mistake of giving H another chance only to be let down and crushed again.

Alright...I hope you're all having a great Saturday night! I'm heading over to my friend's house to just hang out .

Thanks for listening.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."