Hey, Don. Looks like we were posting at about the same time last night, and you're right...I am in total agreement with you on this one...I'M JUST NOT SURE.
Kim, as always, your posts touch me every time...you really get me thinking...I am DEFINITELY going to compose such a list this weekend....you are a VERY AMAZING WOMAN yourself, and you are indeed a TRUE friend . I can never thank you enough...any of you!
Alright...the talk...
Nothing really changed as far as what I was asking for, and once again H said that he was just going to give me everything because he didn't care anymore....did you hear that??? Sounded like a violin... ... ...I am sorry....that is NOT like me at all....but sometimes I feel like I'm just tired of all the "H" BS, and I feel like he's trying to guilt trip me.
So anyway, the convo continues on, and H started to tell me that he can't afford to keep me and the boys in the house forever. I told him I never expected for it to be that way. If I've learned anything from my sitch, it's that you shouldn't depend on anyone. You can, but you shouldn't. I told him I will need a few years to become self-sufficient. If he should be in serious financial trouble in a year or two and can't keep up with the mortgage payments, then I'll agree to selling the house and I will have to move in with my parents....but I also told him, "Don't tell me you can't afford it. You CAN go and find a job right now. You just haven't been looking in other places, and you even admitted that yourself." He sighed, lowered his head and said he knew.
Then he started to come at me about how much the kids and I cost him every month...I told him, "Stop right there for a second. Let's forget about what YOUR FAMILY costs you, and let's look at what YOUR expenses are each month since you've been out of the house." We went over everything...his rent, his bills, his food, gas, tolls, etc, etc......It turns out he is costing ME $400 to $500 a month to be out of the house ($800 - $1000 total since it's "50/50" <--- that's why there's $4000 less in the bank plus whatever his gambling losses have been ), and I DON'T WORK!...He saw this as we were writing it all down and had nothing more to say other than, "I know I need to get a job. I've just been lazy about it, I guess." <---- That's exactly what the ATTY said to me. H is very comfortable not working right now because there is so much money in the bank, but he probably hasn't realized that there's not enough coming in with unemployment alone (and he can't collect forever - duh!). I think H sees it now though.
So again we started talking about my schooling and me becoming financially independent in time...then H said, "But what if I don't want you to work?"...WT_???!!! Somebody PLEASE explain this man to me!!!! I just don't get it!
H said he wants to take care of me...he doesn't want me to work...then he said, "JV, please...what if I seriously go to see a counselor or something?...Will you let me come back?...I've been wanting to come back for a long time now...especially when I see (S1), and I watch him weeble-wobble( ) around the house...I want to see that everyday...I want to see the kids everyday...ILY and I want to be with you...and then sometimes I just get very stupid and mess things up worse." I said, "Mess up? Oh. When we fight." H said, "Yeah...I want to treat you right, JV. I want to be better to you. I know I've put you through so much f***ing sh*t, and I'm sorry...I am so sorry. I'm a f***ing idiot."
There were some tears shed during that part of the convo. A lot from H...very few from me.
Bottom line....he wants another chance, and he knows if I give it to him, it will be his VERY last. I told H I need some time to think about it because I have too many doubts. He said ok...and I told him, "IF I should decide to try this with you again, H, then C is a MUST...Do you understand me?" He said yes, and I said, "I'm dead serious, H. You will ABSOLUTELY have to go. I will not even attempt to work things out with you if you don't." H said, "I'll go. I will...but can I see a separate C?" I told H that he can, but we could see the same one together for the first visit then ask about individual C sessions if that's what he'd like. I told him that whatever he says in his independent session would be kept confidential and vice versa. H said ok then he gave me a hug. I told him this doesn't mean I'm saying 'yes' to giving the M another chance. I only said I needed time to think.
Before he left, H said something about this being the best thing for the kids...us working things out. I said, "You know...I think what's going to best for them is if they have a mother and a father who love each other and show respect to one another. I don't think it's a good idea to stay together just for the kids. There needs to be a lot more going on there. If they have a loving environment to grow up in, they'll be just fine...whether or not you and I are together." H was looking down on the ground as I was talking then said, "I do love you, JV." I told him "ILY", too, then he left.
He called about 15 minutes after that to...I guess just to chat a little. We didn't talk about anything really, but he asked if I wanted the weekend to think things over. I said yes, but I may need more time. I also said that should I choose to work on this, I don't want him back in the house immediately. I think that would be a mistake. He said ok.
(Sigh)....I have to get the kids soon....I will be working on that list this weekend...and to be honest, I'm not feeling very optimistic about it. It just feels like the "cons" are going to far outweigh the "pros" here.
Ok, gotta go. Thanks for listening.
JV
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
. I can never thank you enough...any of you!
... 
...I am sorry....that is NOT like me at all....but sometimes I feel like I'm just tired of all the "H" BS, and I feel like he's trying to guilt trip me.
), and I DON'T WORK!...He saw this as we were writing it all down and had nothing more to say other than, "I know I need to get a job. I've just been lazy about it, I guess." <---- That's exactly what the ATTY said to me. H is very comfortable not working right now because there is so much money in the bank, but he probably hasn't realized that there's not enough coming in with unemployment alone (and he can't collect forever - duh!). I think H sees it now though.
) around the house...I want to see that everyday...I want to see the kids everyday...ILY and I want to be with you...and then sometimes I just get very stupid and mess things up worse." I said, "Mess up? Oh. When we fight." H said, "Yeah...I want to treat you right, JV. I want to be better to you. I know I've put you through so much f***ing sh*t, and I'm sorry...I am so sorry. I'm a f***ing idiot."
