I know that the decision to end a difficult relationship, or stay and keep trying to make it better is always a hard one. I sense that you are struggling to figure out what is the best move for you. As you may already know, I am one who believes in writing out "lists"... Perhaps it may help you to write out a list of all the reasons you can think for continuing to work at the relationship, and every reason you can think of to end the relationship. (EX: "Reasons to stay" -vs- "Reasons to go")
If you haven't already thought about it, you may want to consider how your relationship hs affected different areas of your life, or even your H's life. For example... your physical health, self-esteem, goals in life, finances, friendships/family, activities you enjoy, etc. (You can even add some of these to your list if they apply)...
JV... I know how hard this has all been for you...
I see so much more confidence and strength in you lately.
You have amazed me and put me in awe... Seriously, you have handled stuff that amazes me. Please remember, JV...
you ARE a good and caring person and you deserve to be treated with respect. IMHO, your H has put you through unnnecessary emotional abuse when he loses his temper and calls you a "f***ing, c*nt, bit**, wh*re... And, tells you that he hates you... When he chooses to emotionally abuse you, it is a way of him hurting you without necessarily being physical. He is trying to control your feelings or thoughts in order to gain power over you.
Putting you down, calling you names, frequently cursing, or yelling at you are all examples of emotional abuse.
JV, I know that you are feeling confused... I know that it is still possible to love someone who hurts you...
But, loving someone does not always mean they are healthy for you. You truly deserve to be happy, JV...
While your H usually has promised that he will change, it is rare that he will change his behavior while still in a relationship with you without getting some professional help (taking an "anger management" class)... I even see his "guilt trips" as a way of manipulating you.
JV, your H is responsible for his actions. You are only responsible for yourself. I hope you know that you have nothing to feel guilty about if you choose to leave this relationship. Remember JV: "Actions speak louder than words"... How many times now has your H told you that the name calling and put downs are going to stop?
If you are going to stay and work on this relationship, which is difficult, even painful at times, then I think it is important to be very clear about what needs to change and how you plan to make those changes happen TOGETHER.
I think you know by now that you can not make your H change. You can let him know what changes YOU plan to make and what changes you would LIKE him to make, but it is up to your H to decide whether he will change or not.
You are not resposible for your H's actions. If your H becomes emotionally abusive to you again, changing YOUR behavior will not make him stop.
JV, I hope you do not see this post as pressure to end things with your H, as that is not my intention at all.
I will continue to support your decisions, whether I agree with them or not.
As DMF mentioned, I am also all about trying to save marriages (which is exactly why I began posting on this site... to do everything possible to save MY marriage!)...
However, you deserve to be in a healthy, loving relationship. You are an incredible woman, JV...
Thinking of you.... Your friend, -Kim
