Are you wrong?...I don't know. I really don't. I don't know if this answers anything, but allow me to just let it all out.....
Sometimes I wonder if there is still a chance.... Sometimes I wonder if a D is the best thing for me and/or for H.... Sometimes I wonder if it could ever be better.... Sometimes I wonder if I could ever FEEL love with H again.... Sometimes I want him back sooo bad when I see him because I am still attracted to him.... Sometimes I want him to hold me just so I can feel close to him again...I want to feel the passion we once had for so long.... Sometimes I think he will NEVER change...for himself or for the R.... Sometimes I can hear him calling me those horrid names when he's not even here.... Sometimes I think he is very serious when he tells me that if we didn't have children, we would have never been together.... Sometimes I think he will never get past all the resentment he has towards me for having our boys and for not working.... Sometimes I feel like I really hate him.... Sometimes I think the only reason he continues to be 'nice' to me is so that I don't get too p*ssed off at him and take him for all he's worth...that's H thinking the worst of me.... Sometimes I'm afraid if I did give this M another try that H's affection and attempts at trying to work things out would be phony.... And especially over the last few convos we've had, I feel like H is realizing that he has a lot to lose by getting D'ed...so why not work it out since it's 'cheaper to keep her'?
He's hurting...I know he is...but I wonder if it's because of what H says it is...that he misses the life we had before all of this....or is it because he's afraid and upset over possibly losing and having to give up what he worked soooo hard for?....the money in the bank....he could care less about the house, the cars, the furniture, blah blah blah. It's having to give up the money that is bothering him. He was sooo ready to agree to letting me and the boys remain in the house while continuing to pay for everything, but when the $$$ issue came up...and now knowing that I talked with an ATTY who said I WILL get my half no matter what...well....NOW he loves me....Not even a week ago I was a 'f***ing c*nt b****' and he hated me.
I want to do what is right, and I don't know what that is. I know it is best for the boys to have both Mom and Dad together, but that's only if the R is a healthy one. We were always very affectionate with each other and with the kids, but the fighting was there, too, and I know the boys have heard their father's language towards me.
Sometimes I feel like I owe it to my boys to give H yet another chance...especially for S6. He has cried a few times and said he wants to be a family again... ...that he wants H and I to be in the house together again....Do you have any idea how hard it is to hear your child in such emotional pain? It is not the easiest thing to go through....and then there's S1 who roams around the house and babbles 'dada', 'dada', 'dada'...over and over again...and wobbles over to H when he's here and cries for him as he's leaving. I can see that it hurts H to see that, too.
Sometimes I feel like trying for their sake...and other times I feel that it will never be better. I think H has truly convinced himself that he wants out, but now he's afraid of losing his most prized possession...his hard-earned cash.
I just don't know. I mean, how do I know that he's not toying with me? Trying to make me feel for him in the hopes that I let my guard down and agree to something I shouldn't in regards to a D? We both don't want to go through ATTYs, but I think I may have to because I'm afraid that H might try to outsmart me, if that makes any sense.
Ok, I don't know if I'm making any sense at all now because I'm really tired . Anyway, H is stopping by tomorrow to pick up his check and the rest of his mail.
I do know one thing...if reconciliation is going to happen, then MC is a MUST. I know I can't make him go, but if he seriously wanted to try for the M again, then it's a definite must.
Ok...bedtime ! Thanks for listening.
JV
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
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...that he wants H and I to be in the house together again....Do you have any idea how hard it is to hear your child in such emotional pain? It is not the easiest thing to go through....and then there's S1 who roams around the house and babbles 'dada', 'dada', 'dada'...over and over again...and wobbles over to H when he's here and cries for him as he's leaving. I can see that it hurts H to see that, too.
. Anyway, H is stopping by tomorrow to pick up his check and the rest of his mail.
