H called while I was taking my shower earlier this morning, but I chose not to call him back right away....I just returned his call about an hour and a half ago.
Anyway, the convo started off pleasantly then H asked, "Oh yeah! What did you say yesterday about me getting a job? That I'm not looking for one or something?" I told him no. I said I didn't understand why he was limiting his search for a job to just the refineries and poker dealing. H said, "Oh...yeah, you're right. I guess I could look at other things, too." Then he went on to tell me about his upcoming test this afternoon, and I wished him luck.
After a moment, H said, "Can I ask you something?" I said yes. H was quiet for a moment then said, "What if I went to go see a psychiatrist or a MC?" I was silent for a minute and told him that would be his choice. Then H broke down into tears and cried, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, JV, for messing everything up." I cried a little, too, and told him that I knew he was sorry, and that I believed him. H said he misses what we had so much...he misses all the fun we used to have together...he misses being around the kids. I told him I'm sorry, and I miss it, too.
H said, "You won't have to worry about taking me to court. I'm just going to give you everything, ok?" I said no that I don't want everything, and I'm not trying to take everything away from him. I just want what's right and what's fair.
H was still crying and said that nothing means anything to him anymore. I told him that's not true...that the boys mean everything to him, and he means everything to them. H said, "Yeah but they don't even want to spend the night with me when I want them to." I told H that just because someone doesn't show you love the way that you want to see or feel it doesn't mean that they don't love you with all they have.
H said again that he was just going to give me everything. I again told him no and asked him, "Ok, if you do that, then what are you going to do, huh? How are you going to live? H, I don't want everything, and I won't accept it because that's not right." H went on to say that he feels worthless, and I told him he's not. He is not worthless. He means so much to everyone whether he wants to believe it or not, and I told him, "If all someone ever does is focus on what's wrong with their life everyday, then they're going to feel negative everyday. They will be miserable everyday." I also mentioned that I can see how I looked miserable to him many times...that I used to sit and think about all the bad choices I made in my life and wondered why bad things happened to me and no one else...just thinking about all that negative PAST stuff made me miserable, and no one wants to be with someone who's miserable at all. We need to accept and understand that what happened, happened. There's nothing we can do to change it. All we can do is pick ourselves up and move on to make tomorrow better. We need to understand that we have no control over what's headed our way in our lives, but we can control ourselves. Our emotions, our reactions, our thoughts. I told H to think about what's good in his life. Focus on whatever positive thing happened for him during his day and look forward to tomorrow...don't dread it.
H said he just wished that he could fix everything. I told him the first and only thing he can fix is himself. Work on himself to be mentally and physically healthier. If that gets fixed first, then everything else will fall into place.
I told H to get himself composed now. He needed to start focusing on getting ready for his test. He said he was ready, so I wished him luck again. H said, "Thank you....hey?....ILY." I told him "ILY, too."
He has called me a couple of times to chit-chat during his test breaks. It's been very pleasant. We even laughed together once when talking about a TV show we both watched last night...one that we used to watch together.
Anyway, we're still on for Friday. H asked if I had any plans this weekend, and I told him I had nothing definite yet...the kids will be with him.
BTW, H had admitted that he was wrong and very sorry for all the bad things he has said to me. He has no excuse for it. He just doesn't know how to control his emotions when he's angry, so he says what he says because he doesn't know what else to say. I'm still not ok, and it does bother me very much when he does those things, but at least I could tell he was being sincere and honest about it.
Ok. Time to get the boys from school. Thanks for listening.
JV
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
