Still trying....

[ValerieA]

Hi, D . Thanks for checking in on me.

I just felt the need to take a break from the bb...wish I could have done the same from my sitch . Things are going ok right now, but last week was just...ugh . I got into it really bad with H this week, and last week I lost myself and my temper with my mom ...but like I said, it's ok now.

The whole thing with my mom started off with me letting H have S9 and S6 with him for last week. I've been very stressed out lately...breaking down into tears every now and then...I don't know why exactly...probably just a lot of emotional, physical, and mental stress . S9 and S6 have been acting up like crazy. They've been fighting and tormenting each other everyday, then S1 had a fever off and on for a few days, so he was VERY cranky to say the least. I had to reschedule my appointment with the ATTY then he rescheduled on me because he had to go into court (my appt is now for later this afternoon). I guess I could've gone to see someone else, but my parents wanted me to see this one.

Anyway, H offered to pick up S9 and S6 when he was through with his class and have them spend the night with him for all of last week (and it was also his weekend to have them). Before he offered to do this, I guess he could see how frustrated and stressed out I was. He asked what was wrong, and I broke down. I told him how I feel like I have no control over these boys...I have to tell them at least 5 times a day to behave and get along...it never used to be like this when H was around more which was about 3 years ago...I'd only have to tell them once, and it was over...it's not like that anymore...I told H, "Look, I know I chose to have 3 children, but I never signed up to do it alone." After I said that, I glanced over at H and I could see that he was really thinking hard...then that night was when he offered to help out for the week. He said it hit him hard when he heard me say that because he knew I was right...that he needed to start helping out more with them.

So after I agreed, I was sending an email out to my mom and sisters, and I had mentioned this in it. Well...my mom wasn't very happy about that. She replied in another email and just 'raged' on me...told me that I shouldn't let the boys go with H for the week because he could be keeping track of when he has the kids and use it against me when it comes time to file for support...that I should have asked her and my stepdad to help instead of the boys' own father...that I was wrong for doing this...then she brought up that I haven't had family over to the house for quite some time and basically called me a 'hermit'...what the he** did THAT have to do with the issue at hand??!! Plus, not only did she send that email to me, she also forwarded it to my sisters and got them all involved ...I was sooo angry...I felt...I felt like she was attacking me from every direction possible...and I lost my cool with my mom.

I more or less went off on her about how dare she tell me what I should or shouldn't be allowed to do in regards to my boys. If I want to send them with their father and he's more than willing to help out, then that is my choice. They've been getting out of hand, I don't want to lose my temper with them any more than I already have, so H stepped up to the plate as he should.

My mom came back at me with, "You're only thinking about yourself, JV! Think about the boys and how this is all affecting them!"... I told her that I AM thinking of my boys! That's all I ever do! What good am I to them if I'm constantly stressed out?! How can they feel good if I'm not feeling good?...I needed the break...H saw it and helped out...so where was I wrong?

A LOT of other very personal issues came up during all of that...issues that I've had with my mother throughout my childhood...a very personal traumatic issue with me that I felt I never had her support and understanding in, and the neverending pressure she put on me about school. The first issue, she said that what I believed to be true was 'my truth' and hers was hers....20 years later, her 'truth' still hasn't changed...and during this moment in our heart-to-heart, my sister J called me and said that I had every right to be upset with Mom about this because she was forewarned by J and one of our aunts....anyway, the school issue, my mom said that once I 'gave up' in high school, she finally realized that she could not live through me. She had very high hopes and expectations of me to become something big (remember the whole Stanford thing when I was a toddler?)...that's why she pushed me everyday.

Well, anyway, we are ok now. I guess it was good to get all of that stuff out. I wish it hadn't happened the way that it did, but it did. The "old JV" certainly would not have stood up like that...especially to my own mother ! When all was said and done, each one of my sisters got in contact with me to hear both sides. They had always wished that they could've lived with Mom like I did, and I always wished that I could've been with my dad like they were with theirs...but the grass wasn't much greener on either side .

Ok now....the issue with H this week.... ....I believe it was Tuesday when I returned home from picking up the boys from school. There was a message on the machine so I played it back, and this is what I heard:

"Hello, XXXXX (OW's name!!! ). I'm trying to get a hold of [H]. This is (friend). Have him call me at XXX-XXX-XXXX please. Thanks."

I had to listen to it a few times just to make sure I heard right . I was soooo p*ssed off and I immediately erased it because I didn't want to hear it again.

So then H calls...and I asked him, very calmly, "Hey...are you seeing that person again?" I know...not the smartest thing to do, but I did it . He said no and wanted to know why I was asking him that. I told him about the message, he wanted me to play it back for him to listen to, but I told him that I had already erased it out of anger. Then he YELLS in my ear for erasing it and said I had a lot of nerve asking him such a question...that I was wrong for doing it (ok, I guess I was)...and all I did was p*ss him off. I told H that there was no reason for him to be yelling at me, I wasn't shouting at him or cussing at him, so he shouldn't do it to me. Then for the first time ever, he yelled and said to me, "You're a f***ing c*nt bit** wh*re, and I hate you!!!!" CLICK!

I've been called a bit** before...many, MANY times by H...but NEVER a wh*re or a c*nt.....I am soooo looking forward to what the ATTY has to say this afternoon.

I'm alright now...and I'm only going to get better from here on out . I'm trying something new with the boys to get them to think about their behavior. Whenever they begin to act up, I separate them immediately and make them write down why they are angry...letting them vent on paper like I do here ! Hopefully it'll help them like it helps their dear mother !...but they're bound to get tired of all that writing sooner or later .

If you made it to the end of this post, thanks sooo much for listening.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."