I think sometimes I did, and other times I didn't. When H would tell me that he didn't want me to work, that he wanted me to be able to stay home with the kids, I believed him because that's what I wanted as well. That was my dream -- to be a SAHM -- and when I would hear H say those words to me, I felt supported by him, and I felt that was what he wanted, too. He was very convincing.
But then money issues would come up, and the resentment would follow. H would say that I wasn't pulling my weight, that I needed to get a job, or that I shouldn't say a damn word since I wasn't contributing anything (financially). It was during those times that I did not feel supported by him.
It was a back and forth thing all the time. One minute he had me believing that he really wanted me at home, and the next....well....he had me feeling like I was nothing but a burden to him. I remember I said that to H in one R talk before the S happened. He broke down into tears, and he was crying HARD....because it was the truth. That is exactly how he felt about me.
I also didn't feel I had his support in having children. I never got to experience that joy that couples have when they find out they are expecting. You know, when "he" takes "her" into his arms and embraces her with all his love? When he's as happy as he's ever been because she is carrying his child? Because they are going to be a family? I didn't get that, and I really would've loved to have had it.....oh well.
Quote: *Did YOU feel respected by your husband?
Again, sometimes yes, sometimes no......this is a hard one to try to put into words......hmm.
I think for me the biggest part of the disrespect I felt was H's language towards me. Namely being called a b****. I HATE THAT WORD! I don't even use that word! There's just something about it that signifies "hate" to me (there's nothing pretty about it, that's for sure ). I kind of felt that H hated me whenever he used it.
I felt he didn't have any respect for my feelings....especially when he would "just kid" about my stomach. There's nothing funny about that, but to H it was. I told him many times just how much it bothered me. He would always say sorry and that he would stop doing it, but he never did. I never had a problem with low self-esteem before. Not until he started doing that kind of stuff. It started about about 3 years ago, and it just got worse after I had S1. H began his EA not even a month after S1 was born, and that's when he really went to work on pointing out all of my flaws. My stomach, my thighs, any little imperfection in or on me.
My H was 130 pounds overweight.....and I never once pointed out anything "bad" about him.....never made HIM feel like s**t. I was always concerned about his weight, but I loved him unconditionally nonetheless.
Too bad he couldn't do the same.
Quote: IF the answer is NO... why is it then that we can still miss our husbands and the friendship we once shared together?
That's very puzzling to me, too.
I still sometimes think about the good times....just to see if there's some kind of good feelings in me left for H....but all I come up with is, "Yeah, those were fun moments....(sigh)....ohhhh well. It's a shame. It really is, and I hope someday H will find the happiness he's looking for."
H has been a brute (emotionally and mentally), but I still hope the best for him. That's just me and how I am. I wish him no ill-will. I only wish him happiness because I don't think he's had it in a long time, and he deserves it just as much as I do or anyone else does, but it's up to him to find it. His happiness is no longer my responsibility....nor mine his.
Thanks, Kim. You are in my thoughts as well .
JV
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
D, breathe in, breathe out....breathe in, breathe out.
Yep, that's H. He's very insecure, unhappy, and unsure of himself, so I think it helps him to feel better when he can belittle someone else, and he does it a LOT. Even to his friends, but I think everyone understands that that's just who he is so they put up with it. It's unconditional love -- something he doesn't seem to understand .
JV
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
Saturday, the boys and I got together with my family to celebrate S6 and S1's birthdays . We went for lunch at Chevy's then to Coldstone Creamery for dessert -- YUMMY ! Can you tell that I love ice cream?! No wonder I'm having a hard time losing that last 15 pounds !
After that, we went to my parents' house to open presents and visit. Remarkably, no one asked about the sitch ! YESSSS ! No pressure because I all I wanted was to be able to enjoy the day with my boys and my family with no mention of H. It was a gooooood day .
Today was a nice one, too. H came about 11am to pick the kids up and take them to visit with his family for the day. I stayed home to catch up on the laundry and do some very much needed cleaning . Then H brought the boys back home around 5:30pm. We talked for a bit. Nothing important really. He asked how I was doing, and I asked how his class was going for him (he's taking a 4 month refinery technician training course). He said it's going well. It doesn't guarantee employment, but he'll at least have the experience and a better shot at being hired. Plus, the guy who is teaching the class is the one who does the hiring, and H has already hit it off with him, so that can only be a good thing .
As for me, I sent out the rest of my forms last week that needed to be completed before I can get the rest of my schooling materials. Sooooo, I'm just waiting on those to get here .
The waiting is killing me ! I want to get started NOW!
I hope everybody enjoyed their weekend! Thanks for listening.
JV
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
There's still not a whole lot going on over here . I'm still waiting on my books, etc to arrive. They said it would take 10 - 14 business days.
S1 had his 12 month well-exam today which meant shots. Poor little guy , but he was alright almost immediately .
I spoke with H just now. Actually, he's been coming every morning this week to take the boys to school. I told him he didn't have to, but he said he wanted to -- it's motivation for him to get out of bed. He told me he appreciates me letting him do this, and I told him no problem.
H said he aced his first test today . I told H I thought that was great , and good for him! I was glad to hear it. He seemed to appreciate that.
H also called yesterday morning (while I was showering) and left a message asking to look out for something that was coming in the mail for him. At the end of his message, he said, "Ok....ILY....bye," and hung up. Then he called right back and was trying to retrieve the messages.....????.....My guess is that he might have been trying to erase his last message.
He also continues to give me a little hug every time he's here, and every time we say goodbye (I'm usually the one to end the call first), he says 'bye' as if he's almost in tears.....S6 asked H the other day if it was almost time for him to come back home, and H was REALLY fighting off the tears then. He told S6, "Not yet, (S6), ok? I'm sorry, but this is the best way for now. ILY."
My heart aches for my boys. They are so innocent in all of this.
Why couldn't things have gone differently for us? I've been thinking about that a lot lately. I don't know why...just have...but I know it wouldn't be any better if I gave him yet another chance. Maybe it would for a week or even a month or two, but it wouldn't last. Maybe if H would get help.....but I can already hear him getting defensive about that....so why even bother thinking of it?
I know love is a decision.....and right now I feel like it's one that I can't make.....I've seen quite a few moments of 'public displays of affection' recently, and I miss having those times, but the thing is I don't miss them with H.
Am I making any sense? I don't know.....I guess it's because the moments with H over the last year didn't feel 'real'. They didn't feel genuine. From the heart. His heart, and I was always able to sense it, and I feel like if I ever gave him another chance, I would ALWAYS be questioning his actions and emotions during intimate times. Like, "Is this what he really wants? Is he really enjoying being with me? Or is he just doing it all out of 'obligation' still?"
BIG LOOOOOOOOOOONG SIGH.......Ok. I needed to get that out of my system . I feel better now .
Thanks for listening.
JV
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
I'm really looking forward to the weekend. This week has been a bit of a stressful one for me.
S9 and S6 have been going at each other nearly every day, and it's usually instigated by S9. He just loves to rile up his younger brother, and no matter how many times I tell him to knock it off, he just doesn't seem to get it. He'll stop for about 30 minutes, but then it's right back to business for him ....(sigh)....ugh .
I'll be taking all three boys to MIL's after school so she can have some time with them before H picks them up for the weekend. Speaking of H, he paid me a compliment this morning when he came to take S9 and S6 to school. He said, "Why are you looking all good?" I was like, "Huh?!" because I was still in my jammies ( )! H said, "You've got your hair down...and those cute little pajamas...You look all sexy and stuff!" I just smiled and said thank you.
You see.....for those of you who may be reading this and are wondering and asking others, although my sitch is very far from the norm, DBing DOES work. If you can learn to better yourself, take care of yourself, and just be an empathetic friend to your WAS, they can come around and show you what you would like to see.
Soooo.....it is definitely time for ME and just me ! I really need it ! Don't get me wrong -- I love my babies dearly, but I do deserve a break every once in a while.
Not sure what I'm going to do just yet, but I'm going to enjoy every minute of it !
Have a good one, everybody! Thanks for listening.
JV
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
I enjoyed a very niiiice weekend ! I got together with a good friend on Saturday and we had lunch. Then we went to the flea market in San Jose and browsed -- I know, a lot of "junk", but it was really nice to just get out and walk around. I haven't been there since I was a little girl. My goodness, I don't remember it being that BIG !
Sunday was 'Spa Day' for P, J, and me ! T wasn't able to make it -- tsk, tsk, tsk ...she missed out big time on 2 hours of pampering...aaahhhhh ! It was fantastic ! 1 hour massage, a facial, and relaxation in the spa.....NIIIIICE!!!.....Ok, I'm ready for another !
The kids had a great weekend, too! H took S9 and S6 to Great America (fun ) while S1 stayed to visit with MIL on Saturday, and on Sunday they enjoyed a lot of outdoor activities together -- riding their bikes, playing tennis, etc, etc. When H brought them home that evening, I could tell he was spent !
Anyway, H and I had an R talk earlier today. I told him again that I really would like to get together to discuss things on Friday while the kids are at school and S1 is visiting with MIL. I told him a few weeks ago that I wanted to talk about things -- you know...who gets what, what he'll give to the kids and to me until I'm able to stand on my own two feet, etc...all that stuff -- but he's kind of been avoiding it. When I told him this, he said he remembered, but he was hoping to give me more time to think about it.
H started crying some and said that sometimes he feels this will be for the best, but other times, he knows that he still loves me very much and doesn't want to be without me, and it kills him even more when he looks at the kids especially S1. He can't help feeling that we should stay together for their sake.
I told him I completely understood where he was coming from since I've had those feelings myself before....but I told him I need to do whatever is going to make me happy otherwise I never will be. I told H I was unhappy for a long time because I knew he wasn't. This wasn't the kind of life he wanted. He didn't want to be the 'family man'....and I don't want to continue being with someone who is going to resent me not working. H said, "I know...I know." I told him I'm not saying that I'll never go back to work again, but for right now, I'm not. I have priorities, and right now those are raising our 3 boys as best as I can. H agreed again.
Before I ended the call, H said he wanted me to know that he loves me very much...he always has and has never stopped...he just lost his way...he would like to be a family again, but he understands and will accept the fact if I feel I need to move on. Before hanging up, H said, "You don't have to say it back to me,....but ILY, JV. I really do." I told him goodbye and said I would talk with him later.
That's all for now. Thanks for listening.
JV
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
Well...H and I are getting together tomorrow morning to hopefully come to an agreement on the splitting of assets, blah blah blah.
I'm hoping we can do this...together...without it turning ugly...but I could already hear "it" in his voice when we talked just a little about it earlier this afternoon. "It" was, "...Why? YOU don't have to worry about a thing...YOU'RE going to be taken care of...".........oh my goodness........I really hope I can get through this without feeling like I have to be on the defensive with H....which I'm sure that's probably how he might feel....like I'm out to get him and take him for all he has, and that is just so untrue and so unfair.
H said to just tell him what I want and he will give it to me....yeah right....he SAYS that now but wait until we really start talking about child support, alimony, what's going to be done about the house, the truck,......ugh......and I just know that when the time comes to give up my half of our money....uh oh .
(SIGH).....too many things are running around in my head right now. Hopefully I'm making this out to be worse than what it actually will be .
Anyway, thank you all for always being there to listen and for all your terrific support. I'm going to move from "Piecing"....this isn't the place for me to be anymore, but I'm not sure where to go . "Divorced..."? Nah, maybe "Hopefulness" to mark the beginning of this new journey in my life. I will also change my screen name...because I am no longer "JVJKB"...those 5 initials represent who I thought I was for a looong time.....but I am not that person anymore....I am ME....I am.....
???????
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
Quote: I'm going to move from "Piecing"....this isn't the place for me to be anymore, but I'm not sure where to go...I will also change my screen name...because I am no longer "JVJKB".
JV (or whoever),
How the hell are we supposed to find you?
Regarding your "meeting", I've got total confidence in you. You know that a few months ago I wouldn't have said that. You've come a long way since then. Please let us know who and where you will be?
DMF
P.S. I'm sure I'm not the only one who wondered what "JVJKB" stood for. We'll probably never know...
Hehehehe ! Dammit...it's that whole "mystery" thing I was taught here !
Ok, ok...I'll give it away with this EASY hint -- I'll move over to "Hopefulness" (because TBH, "Divorced..." just sounds TOO depressing to me -- sorry, no offense to anyone), and my name starts with a "V" and rhymes with 'celery' !
JV (oops! I guess I better stop that !)
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
). I kind of felt that H hated me whenever he used it.
! YESSSS 
.
, but he was alright almost immediately 
....(sigh)....ugh 
!)