Still trying....

[ValerieA]

Journaling:

There's still not a whole lot going on over here . I'm still waiting on my books, etc to arrive. They said it would take 10 - 14 business days.

S1 had his 12 month well-exam today which meant shots. Poor little guy , but he was alright almost immediately .

I spoke with H just now. Actually, he's been coming every morning this week to take the boys to school. I told him he didn't have to, but he said he wanted to -- it's motivation for him to get out of bed. He told me he appreciates me letting him do this, and I told him no problem.

H said he aced his first test today . I told H I thought that was great , and good for him! I was glad to hear it. He seemed to appreciate that.

H also called yesterday morning (while I was showering) and left a message asking to look out for something that was coming in the mail for him. At the end of his message, he said, "Ok....ILY....bye," and hung up. Then he called right back and was trying to retrieve the messages.....????.....My guess is that he might have been trying to erase his last message.

He also continues to give me a little hug every time he's here, and every time we say goodbye (I'm usually the one to end the call first), he says 'bye' as if he's almost in tears.....S6 asked H the other day if it was almost time for him to come back home, and H was REALLY fighting off the tears then. He told S6, "Not yet, (S6), ok? I'm sorry, but this is the best way for now. ILY."

My heart aches for my boys. They are so innocent in all of this.

Why couldn't things have gone differently for us? I've been thinking about that a lot lately. I don't know why...just have...but I know it wouldn't be any better if I gave him yet another chance. Maybe it would for a week or even a month or two, but it wouldn't last. Maybe if H would get help.....but I can already hear him getting defensive about that....so why even bother thinking of it?

I know love is a decision.....and right now I feel like it's one that I can't make.....I've seen quite a few moments of 'public displays of affection' recently, and I miss having those times, but the thing is I don't miss them with H.

Am I making any sense? I don't know.....I guess it's because the moments with H over the last year didn't feel 'real'. They didn't feel genuine. From the heart. His heart, and I was always able to sense it, and I feel like if I ever gave him another chance, I would ALWAYS be questioning his actions and emotions during intimate times. Like, "Is this what he really wants? Is he really enjoying being with me? Or is he just doing it all out of 'obligation' still?"

BIG LOOOOOOOOOOONG SIGH.......Ok. I needed to get that out of my system . I feel better now .

Thanks for listening.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."