Still trying....

[ValerieA]

Well, there's not much to add to today's R talk. It was more or less the same as yesterday's.

H said to just give him another chance, and I told him I had. Many times already....and I'm not talking about the last 7 1/2 months. I'm talking about over the last several years.

Just more begging, pleading, etc, etc from him all afternoon. He must have said "ILY" about 20 times throughout our talk, and he asked if I still cared about him. I told him yes, I do. I can't just stop feeling for him, if that's what he was thinking, but I don't have that "love" for him anymore.

OMG, this is sooooo.....what's the word I'm looking for???.....Has this ever happened before? Where the LBS turns into the WAS?

Anyway, there were moments where I felt like he was trying to manipulate me with flirting, but I wasn't falling for it. H kept asking if I still found him attractive. I told him yes, he's a good-looking guy, but when I look at or think about him now, I don't feel it anymore. I used to when he was away on his long trips, etc, but not anymore. Then he tried to get a little further, if you know what I mean , but I said no. It wasn't going to happen. I didn't want it anymore.

H left to pick up the kids from school then came back. We talked a bit more, and he asked me again to just give him the chance to fix everything. I told him "you can't". I told him he can't fix it. He can't make it better. He can be the sweetest he's ever been, the nicest, the most loving, blah blah blah....it doesn't matter anymore. He can't fix it. I can never look at him the same way again. I can never feel the same way about him again. Never again.

H began crying and said he couldn't believe I was saying all this to him. I told him I could hardly believe it myself, but I've done a LOT of growing up inside, and now I know what is right for me. This R is NOT right for me, and probably not for him either.

H asked if we could go away next weekend -- just the two of us. I looked at him like he was crazy. Didn't he hear a single word of what I just said to him??!!! He said, "Don't give me an answer right now. Just let me think for a while that you might say yes please....but if you say yes, I guarantee we'll have a great time together...and no gambling. I promise. I don't want to do that either. I just want to go away and be with you, JV. You're all I ever think about every day and every night. ILY more than anything or anyone else. Please just think about it."

I just kept quiet and didn't give him an answer.....I really don't want to go with him.

More hugs and "attempted" kisses on his part throughout the convo. Lots more. He finally left and took S9 and S6 to MIL's for the night.

I need a break from him for a while. I'm not calling him. I haven't been. It's been all H for the last month. He just shows up when he wants and calls when he wants. I've asked him not to, but that's how well he listens.

Alright. Time for the baby to get to bed. That's all for now, so thanks for listening.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."