Still trying....

[ValerieA]

Hi, Jet. I wish I could answer your questions, but I feel like I can't. I'm a mental mess right now because H and I had an R talk this evening, and it's to be continued some time tomorrow.

I feel like I'm going through so much "drama" right now, and I can't handle all of it. I've got an issue going on with my mom that needs to be taken care of and she's "intentionally unintentionally" pushing for reconciliation by bringing up how a D is going to be wrong for the boys, MIL can't seem to just accept that I'd like for her to work out visits with H for now, and she told H today that she wants to call my mother and tell her that she feels I'm being mean to her... ! What am I???!!!! 7 years old?!! I need to be told on?!!! What is that??!!!! H said he told her not to do something childish like that because it's only going to start more problems.

I've tried explaining it to her MANY times that it's got nothing to do with her so she needs to not take things personally. I just feel like being with and having my family for my support system right now, and she can't seem to understand that. I guess it's kind of like how H doesn't feel like being around my family, so I feel somewhat the same way. Not out of guilt though. Now that H's family knows what's going on, it just feels awkward for me now to be around them and having to be asked the same questions every time I see them -- How are you feeling? Have you guys talked? Are things any better? Are you getting back together? What's going on?..........SSSSCCCRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAMMMM!!!!!!!!!

I can't take this anymore!!! Now I feel like the WAS who's being PRESSURED!!!!

I told H we needed to talk about things. He asked what about, and I told him "you know". He said, "About me moving back in?", and I said no. I told him we needed to talk about other stuff -- who gets what, etc, etc.

He started getting emotional with me and asking why we couldn't try and work it out. I told him I didn't think it could be worked out. I told him he was right. I've had a lot of time to really think about things, and he was right. We really are 2 very different people, and we shouldn't have lasted as long as we did. I told him how all these years I've felt that I needed him instead of feeling like I wanted him, and now I could see how he felt that I didn't love him for a long time.

I told him much, much more. Everything that I've expressed here in my posts is what I told him, and he begged. He pleaded. He cried....for me to give him another chance. He said he knows he has been so f***ing cruel to me, and he understands why I feel like I don't want him back....but he still wants one more chance. He said, "JV, this family means everything to me! Please don't take that away from me. Please!"

I cried a little, so did H, but I told him I couldn't do this anymore. H told me he loved me, and I told him I don't. I told him I still care about him. I always will, but the love isn't there....and I told him I don't think I can ever really trust him ever again. He's had EAs from the beginning of the R, so there's obviously something he's looking for that I can't give to him in the way he needs it. He says that's not true, but I feel it is.

He wants to talk more tomorrow when the kids are at school. I agreed.

Sooo....to be continued. I'm going to try to get some rest now. Thank you for listening.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."