Still trying....

[Gibeon]

Hi JV,
I'm so proud of you and all you're doing to GAL. It sounds like you've come a long way.
Now, please forgive me for asking this, as of course you need to make your OWN decision on this, BUT... Is there anything your H could do that would show you he can change? Can you at least give him an ultimatum? It sounds like he was quite beastly to you, but it is so true, as well all know here, that people CAN change. JV, the ball is totally in your court right now. Is there possibly one play left?
Hugs,
Gibeon

[dodgermf]

Looks like I have a LOT of thinking to do -- meaning....how do I say what I feel to H about this M being over???

JV,

If this was May or June, I would be shaking my head thinking, "C'mon JV, you'll never pull this off" But that was then and this is September.

I KNOW the new, strong, confident, JV will stand tall, stand up for herself and tell it like it is. I look forward to hearing good things on this thread soon.

I'm in your corner JV and I'm sending vibes northbound on I-5 to you!!!

DMF

[ValerieA]

Thank you so much, Gibeon and D.

D, please be sure to take the I-80 turnoff; I REALLY need those vibes. I just feel so out of it right now.

After I posted, I received a phone call from my mom asking if H and I had talked about D or reconciliation yet. I had told her earlier in August that I was leaning towards a D, she seemed supportive of it, but now today when we talked, she told me, "Just don't lose sight of what's really at stake here, JV. THE BOYS. If you and H could work it out, that would be best for them. I know it, your sisters know it,....I think you know it, too."

Can anyone say PRESSURE?

If that wasn't enough, I just came back from taking cupcakes to S6's class for his birthday. Just as I walked into the classroom, they were singing "Happy B-day" to him. His teacher had a fake mini-cake with real candles for him to blow out and make a wish. After he did, S6 came up to me and whispered, "Guess what, Mom? I wished for Dad to come back home with us!"



Ok.....this is very hard. I'm going to try to relax and settle down -- I'm not hysterical or anything. Just a bundle of nerves and feeling rather confused, I guess.

Gibeon, I'm sorry, but I'll respond to your question a bit later. I just don't feel like I'm able to give a clear answer right now.

Thanks for listening.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[Scottisheart]

((((((((((((JV))))))))))))))

It never that cut and dried, is it?

Take care. I'll be thinking of you.

Cheers, Scottisheart

[ValerieA]

It certainly isn't easy.......not at all. It only takes one instant...just one little memory...for you to feel all your hard GAL work come crashing down.....but I'm doing my best to remain strong.

Thanks for the hugs, (((((((Scotti))))))).

H just left with S9 and S6 a few moments ago. He's taking them to Chuck E. Cheese's. They haven't been there in a long time, so the boys were very excited to go . The baby (who will become S1 next Friday ) is home with me -- he's napping right now.

..........

In my convo with my mother earlier today, like I said, it seems she's pushing for reconciliation. She asked how things have been going between H and me. I told her nothing's really happening. We don't talk much anymore unless it's stuff that has to do with the kids. She asked if we had discussed what we were going to do (reconcile or D), and I told her no, not yet. She then asked if it seemed like H was trying at all. I said, "Well...I guess." Then I went on to tell her about the flowers I received from him last Friday, and I told her why I thought I got them -- about H finding out that I was going to complete my education to be able to get a real job, a better job, after the kids were in school full-time.

Then my mom said, "Well maybe that's all it'll take for H to come around. It's obviously THAT important to him....So if you do this, then maybe that's all that needs to happen for H to do what he should do as your husband and as a father. Maybe this is what he needs for you guys to have that "happy family" you want."

I said, "Ok....but what if that's not enough for me? What if that isn't enough for me to be happy with him again? H has been soooo cruel....just sooo mean...." She cut in with, "JV, people are like that. They say and do very stupid things all the time." I told her, "But, Mom.....he has been.....just cruel....VERY CRUEL....and I don't know if I can ever feel the same way about him ever again.....I don't know if I could ever love him again.....I don't know....it's just not there."

She said ok, ok, and she understood what I was getting at.

Then I brought up the expectation issue -- H expecting me to always follow through with what I say I'd like to do. I said I was going to find a job after S6 got into school....H expected that to happen....but then I got pregnant and it didn't....then all this crap happened.

Now I'm working on completing my education...and I feel he's EXPECTING me to do it. I WILL, but what happens after I get my diploma and, let's be realistic here, what if I end up not going through with taking college courses? With the kids, their schooling, their activities, and a household to take care of, I may not complete anything until I'm about 40!

I'm not trying to be pessimistic. I'm just trying to be real honest with myself, and I've been looking at other things I could do other than forensics. I'd LOVE to do it, but it could take a very looooooooooong time , so I've even been considering Accounting. I took a couple of classes on it back in high school, and I really liked it.

(Sigh)....I don't know. We'll see. I just need to focus on one thing right now -- getting my diploma .

Thanks for listening again -- it's been one of those days .

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[ValerieA]

Hello again, Gibeon.

Is there anything your H could do that would show you he can change? Can you at least give him an ultimatum?...Is there possibly one play left?

I honestly don't think there is . I've thought about this myself, and I can't find any other way to make H see how he needs to change. I know I can't control him; only he can do that....but he can't even refrain from calling me a b**** when he gets angry with me....I remember the first time he said that, I told him he'd better not ever do it again, and he said he wouldn't. Well, now it's, "I'm not saying you are one. You're just acting like one," or "I wouldn't call you one if you didn't have it coming. You bring it upon yourself."

So...should I call him an a**hole then? A jerk? A d**k? No, of course not....but he sure does act like one .

It's not just the name calling either. It's everything I've had to endure over the years, but the total lack of respect H has for me is big.

I don't think there's anything H could do to have me believe that he could ever change.....The damage has been done, and he can't repair it or make up for it. I really feel it's too late.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[ValerieA]

Aaaaahhhhh......what a weekend!

I got together with a few friends, and we decided to go to Reno for a couple of days. We stayed at the Silver Legacy -- very pricy but not too bad when you split it 4 ways -- and we had FUN, FUN, FUN !!! I didn't do too good at the tables , but just to be out socializing made me feel sooo ALIVE again !

And something quite interesting happened.....I caught the attention of a member of the opposite sex ! A few of them actually! It was VERY nice to feel that way again -- to feel pretty, attractive, desirable, feminine, special, enjoyed, HAPPY.

There was a feeling of awkwardness as well since I am still M'ed and because it has been 12 YEARS .....but it was NICE . I took a look at myself in the mirror today, and for the first time in a long time, I felt and saw myself as being attractive....and it's because I was smiling ....that IS an appealing thing....being happy is VERY appealing.

I know I'm not anywhere near being ready for a new R again. I'm not looking to get into another one, but sometimes I feel like I wouldn't mind dating a little. Just getting out and enjoying the companionship of a man......these are only feelings. It's ok to feel, right?

I hope everyone had a great weekend! Thanks for listening.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[ValerieA]

Well........hmmm.

I feel rather blank and empty, but also a bit nervous and scared right now because about an hour ago, I heard more words that many DBers long to hear.

H was here to drop off S9 and S6....we talked a bit about his next visitation with the kids....and then he said with a small, sincere smile on his face, "I'm very close to moving back in here."....I was speechless and couldn't even look at H....then he continued on with, "...if you'll let me....and I'm hoping you will...and when I do, I hope I never have to leave again...because I don't want to...I don't want to toy around with the kids' emotions...and I especially don't want to toy around with yours."......All I could say was, "I don't want to mess around with the kids' feelings either." It was quiet for a while. I think he may have been waiting for me to say something, but I had nothing to say. Nothing positive for H, I guess I should say.

I still haven't had "the talk" with him yet. I was planning on doing it this coming Thursday when MIL will have the kids....but why am I feeling so afraid? Is it because I'm afraid of hurting HIS feelings? Or is it just me again being afraid to tell it like it is?

I can tell H is REALLY trying. He even volunteered to come and take the boys to school in the morning for me. That's not necessary, but I could tell he wanted to, and he wanted to do it for me, so I said ok and thanks. He even gave me a hug and a kiss on my forehead before he left. That hasn't happened for a while.

I care about him. I do. A lot. It just won't ever be right. It won't.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[Jet]

JV,

I don't say much around here, only when something strikes me that may make someone think a bit.

My W did not believe that I could change. She then believed that I could not keep up the changes etc etc.....The target kept moving. It seemed to me that she was picking out the convenient reason(s) to justify what she already determined to be what she wanted.

You have legitimate reasons to never want the old H back. Can he change? Would you want your marriage if he did?

Are you asking yourself questions to fit the answers or trying to figure out answers to your questions? Make any sense?

Jet

[ValerieA]

Hi, Jet. I wish I could answer your questions, but I feel like I can't. I'm a mental mess right now because H and I had an R talk this evening, and it's to be continued some time tomorrow.

I feel like I'm going through so much "drama" right now, and I can't handle all of it. I've got an issue going on with my mom that needs to be taken care of and she's "intentionally unintentionally" pushing for reconciliation by bringing up how a D is going to be wrong for the boys, MIL can't seem to just accept that I'd like for her to work out visits with H for now, and she told H today that she wants to call my mother and tell her that she feels I'm being mean to her... ! What am I???!!!! 7 years old?!! I need to be told on?!!! What is that??!!!! H said he told her not to do something childish like that because it's only going to start more problems.

I've tried explaining it to her MANY times that it's got nothing to do with her so she needs to not take things personally. I just feel like being with and having my family for my support system right now, and she can't seem to understand that. I guess it's kind of like how H doesn't feel like being around my family, so I feel somewhat the same way. Not out of guilt though. Now that H's family knows what's going on, it just feels awkward for me now to be around them and having to be asked the same questions every time I see them -- How are you feeling? Have you guys talked? Are things any better? Are you getting back together? What's going on?..........SSSSCCCRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAMMMM!!!!!!!!!

I can't take this anymore!!! Now I feel like the WAS who's being PRESSURED!!!!

I told H we needed to talk about things. He asked what about, and I told him "you know". He said, "About me moving back in?", and I said no. I told him we needed to talk about other stuff -- who gets what, etc, etc.

He started getting emotional with me and asking why we couldn't try and work it out. I told him I didn't think it could be worked out. I told him he was right. I've had a lot of time to really think about things, and he was right. We really are 2 very different people, and we shouldn't have lasted as long as we did. I told him how all these years I've felt that I needed him instead of feeling like I wanted him, and now I could see how he felt that I didn't love him for a long time.

I told him much, much more. Everything that I've expressed here in my posts is what I told him, and he begged. He pleaded. He cried....for me to give him another chance. He said he knows he has been so f***ing cruel to me, and he understands why I feel like I don't want him back....but he still wants one more chance. He said, "JV, this family means everything to me! Please don't take that away from me. Please!"

I cried a little, so did H, but I told him I couldn't do this anymore. H told me he loved me, and I told him I don't. I told him I still care about him. I always will, but the love isn't there....and I told him I don't think I can ever really trust him ever again. He's had EAs from the beginning of the R, so there's obviously something he's looking for that I can't give to him in the way he needs it. He says that's not true, but I feel it is.

He wants to talk more tomorrow when the kids are at school. I agreed.

Sooo....to be continued. I'm going to try to get some rest now. Thank you for listening.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."