Still trying....

[ValerieA]

It certainly isn't easy.......not at all. It only takes one instant...just one little memory...for you to feel all your hard GAL work come crashing down.....but I'm doing my best to remain strong.

Thanks for the hugs, (((((((Scotti))))))).

H just left with S9 and S6 a few moments ago. He's taking them to Chuck E. Cheese's. They haven't been there in a long time, so the boys were very excited to go . The baby (who will become S1 next Friday ) is home with me -- he's napping right now.

..........

In my convo with my mother earlier today, like I said, it seems she's pushing for reconciliation. She asked how things have been going between H and me. I told her nothing's really happening. We don't talk much anymore unless it's stuff that has to do with the kids. She asked if we had discussed what we were going to do (reconcile or D), and I told her no, not yet. She then asked if it seemed like H was trying at all. I said, "Well...I guess." Then I went on to tell her about the flowers I received from him last Friday, and I told her why I thought I got them -- about H finding out that I was going to complete my education to be able to get a real job, a better job, after the kids were in school full-time.

Then my mom said, "Well maybe that's all it'll take for H to come around. It's obviously THAT important to him....So if you do this, then maybe that's all that needs to happen for H to do what he should do as your husband and as a father. Maybe this is what he needs for you guys to have that "happy family" you want."

I said, "Ok....but what if that's not enough for me? What if that isn't enough for me to be happy with him again? H has been soooo cruel....just sooo mean...." She cut in with, "JV, people are like that. They say and do very stupid things all the time." I told her, "But, Mom.....he has been.....just cruel....VERY CRUEL....and I don't know if I can ever feel the same way about him ever again.....I don't know if I could ever love him again.....I don't know....it's just not there."

She said ok, ok, and she understood what I was getting at.

Then I brought up the expectation issue -- H expecting me to always follow through with what I say I'd like to do. I said I was going to find a job after S6 got into school....H expected that to happen....but then I got pregnant and it didn't....then all this crap happened.

Now I'm working on completing my education...and I feel he's EXPECTING me to do it. I WILL, but what happens after I get my diploma and, let's be realistic here, what if I end up not going through with taking college courses? With the kids, their schooling, their activities, and a household to take care of, I may not complete anything until I'm about 40!

I'm not trying to be pessimistic. I'm just trying to be real honest with myself, and I've been looking at other things I could do other than forensics. I'd LOVE to do it, but it could take a very looooooooooong time , so I've even been considering Accounting. I took a couple of classes on it back in high school, and I really liked it.

(Sigh)....I don't know. We'll see. I just need to focus on one thing right now -- getting my diploma .

Thanks for listening again -- it's been one of those days .

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."