Still trying....

[ValerieA]

Hello, DonH, and thank you for taking the time to view my thread.

...it would appear to me that all of the DBing has paid off and the origional goal is being met - only now that is no longer the goal? Am I correct?

My original goal was to get H back and to salvage my M, but yes, it has changed. My goal now is to better MY life for myself and for my boys regardless of whether or not H decided to come back, and to be real honest here, I do not want him back anymore.

We've been S for almost 2 months now. The R has not been the easiest from the get-go, and over the last few years, it has just gotten worse. Nobody knows my sitch as well as I do, so let me try to explain what I see here.

As I've said before, H is a good guy. He is a great provider, and he is capable of being a loving gentleman when he wants to be......but......he can also be a very mean, nasty, selfish, hurtful, and emotionally/mentally abusive man. Unfortunately, this side of him shows itself the most in some way, and I have finally opened my eyes to it and said, "No more....NO MORE."

This is a man who has told me sooooooo many times in our 12 years together that if it weren't for the kids, he would have left me loooong ago because I'm a "stupid, f***ing b****" or I'm just a "f***ing idiot".

I've had 3 children. Therefore, my body isn't what it used to be, so I've been subjected to H's "playing around" where he will pinch and poke at my flabby stomach and make fun by mumbling things like, "Blub, blub, blub, blub..."....and he has also told me that he only has sex with me because he feels obligated to and he feels nothing more.

If something goes wrong (i.e. a form of his didn't get sent out, he misplaced an important document, etc.), then it's MY fault because I "wasn't looking out for him"....because I'm EXPECTED to do so. I'm EXPECTED to do everything for him since he brings in the money. If I don't (and it's never intentional), then it means I don't care and I don't love him, so in return, I get talked to and treated like s**t.

He has told me several times that he never wanted to marry me, have kids with me, and that I basically decided his life for him.....He has also apologized for saying such things and said he never meant any of it.....He got mad at me about 2 weeks or so ago (when discussing visitation) and said all of this again....the next day, he said sorry....again.

When I think about it, the only times H appears to be nice to me is when he needs me to do him a favor, when he needs reassurance (he's very insecure), or when he feels that I'm pulling away. H has told me that he doesn't want to be with me, but he also doesn't want to let me go because he can't bear the thought of me being with another man.

How does one get over such detrimental remarks? How could I ever feel that it would be "right" again when it never was to begin with?

As soon as H pursues the DBer W changes her mind?

I didn't suddenly change my mind. I've been DBing since February -- I know, not as long as others, but everyone is different. Everyone has their limit, and I have reached way past mine.

H was pursuing almost immediately when I began DBing, and I thought it was great. It was. I wanted him back...but why?

I was blind. I was afraid. Afraid of being alone, D'ed, and of being a single mother of 3 boys. I did not want any of that. Nobody does. But I HAVE been alone and almost living like a single mother for the past couple of years. There came a point when I asked myself, "Why do I still want this man? This is who he is...always has been...and he will never change. Never. But I can, I must, and I will."

With H out of the house and much less contact over the phone or whatever, I am so much more at peace. The house is somewhat serene (remember, I have 3 young boys ) and there is far less tension in the air. This IS the happiest I've been in a loooooong time, and I deserve it.

I hope this is making sense because I've had a few interruptions . I'm not trying to sound like a victim at all. I'm a big girl, and I accept the blame for what I did to damage the R. I should've made H feel like his opinion mattered in certain decisions, and I guess I shouldn't have turned him away when he needed my emotional support the most....but it just wore me down....day after day for nearly 3 years....and I couldn't take it anymore. To carry someone else emotionally is a LOT to ask for.

You are no longer divorce busting because if you were you'd bust the divorce.

I'm not DBing anymore???

Hmmm.....I thought DBing was about taking a good look at yourself and finding the ways and means of improving your life FIRST....changing yourself for the better....changing it for YOU -- NOT for your spouse....then HOPEFULLY a healthier and more loving M would follow. If that didn't happen, then at least you knew you tried what you could.

I have tried, and I have tried with all my strength....now I'm sorry to say that it's just too late. It may seem like it's not because H is showing signs of pursuing, but let me tell you why I believe I got the flowers on Friday.

Other than my family, MIL was the only other person I talked to about my education plans. No one else knew -- not even H.

H called me while I was driving to Tahoe on Friday. I thanked him for the flowers, we chatted a little, then out of the blue, he said, "So....is there anything you'd like to do?....Like....have you thought about going back to school?....I mean, would you want to take some kind of online courses to learn something different?"

This is NOT something normal for H to talk about, so I made the ASSumption that MIL had mentioned it to him. I asked, and he said yes she did. That's fine and all, but when talking to H about it,....I don't know. Something just didn't seem right. He said he was happy for me, and when I talked about how much $$$$$ it would cost for me to go to grad school, H said, "So what?! That's fine. Whatever it takes, we'll do it. Whatever. You'll be able to make good money when you're through.".......(Sigh).......H with his expectations there.

What happens if I don't meet his expectations again? Nothing is certain. It's great to want to follow your dream, but you have to also understand that it might not happen -- H doesn't.

Ok, I have to get to bed now. Thanks for listening.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."