Still trying....

[ValerieA]

I've had a lot going on....in my head....in my heart.

I think I've been confusing my fear of being a single mother and "needing" H as still being in love with him....did that make sense??....Nothing makes a whole lot of sense to me anymore anyway.

The one thing I do understand is that I want MY life back. Not the R, not the M, not even H....MY life. THAT'S what I want.

I remember back in junior high and high school that I was frequently called a nice, sweet, and happy girl....What happened to her? Where did she go? When was the last time "that JV" was around???.......It's been a veeerrryyy looooong time since I've seen her or felt her presence. Sure there's been happy moments during the H years, but I truly believe and feel in my heart and my mind that they will never return. Not for me. Never.

H is a good guy. He can even be great at times. He can be caring, sensitive, funny, passionate, whatever......but now when I think about him or see him, I don't feel it for him anymore....even when he's trying very hard to be a gentleman.

I've taken all I can from him, and I can take no more. He has done and said soooo much to crush my self-esteem into teeny-tiny bits.....Why would I want to be with someone like that?....He will never change. Never...and I'm not making myself out to be the victim here. I played my part, too -- I know this. The difference is I'm determined to change it for myself and for my children...and I will.

I'm moving on, and I'm saying all of this calm and collected. I've never been so calm, and I've never been so sure of anything like I am now in the whole 12 years we were together. I can feel it, and I know it. I am going to be ok. I am going to be just fine.

My number one goal right now -- I don't think I mentioned this ever before because, well...it is very embarrassing, and I've felt ashamed and...stupid...for not finishing this -- My number one goal is to get my high school diploma. I screwed up in school....I never completed the 12th grade. I fell about 15 credits short of graduation. Why?...I don't know why. I think a lot of it for me was feeling pressured to excel in school. The pressure was there everyday for me since the 6th grade. I felt I HAD to do good...I felt I was EXPECTED to do very good...and slowly, I gave up. I stopped trying so hard, and I stopped caring.....and I've regretted it ever since.

But now I'm going to do it. It may be 12 years later, but I AM GOING TO DO IT. I've already signed up and paid for all my materials, and they should arrive sometime this week or early next week. It's an online program (and yes, they're accredited), and I can work at my own pace. If I can dedicate at least an hour or two each day during the week, I will have my diploma in 6 months to a year. I am very happy and excited about this!! I am PROUD of MYSELF.<-----------That last sentence there made me cry , but I'm alright now.

I've talked with my family about this, and they are being absolutely wonderful!!! I am soooooo fortunate and extremely grateful for having the kind of supportive family that I have. I sent an email out to all of my relatives telling them of my plans for my education, and each and every one of them responded and told me how proud they are of me ! They also said that they will help me out with WHATEVER I will need -- babysitting, money, you name it. I truly am blessed to have such people in my life .

After I get my diploma, I want to look into getting a degree in forensic science -- I absolutely love it! But I'm not sure yet if I want to be a forensic scientist (I was very good with math in school -- trig, etc -- but it HAS been a loooong time ) or a forensic psychologist or profiler.<------That could be really interesting!! ...seeing how I liked trying to figure out what was going on in the mind of the WAS and all...lol!!!

BTW, my mom suggested I just go to the local adult school and take the GED test. She said she knew I could get that very easily, but I told her, "Yes, I'm sure I could do that, but I want MY diploma!"

I feel really good about myself. I feel very happy! The happiest I've ever been in a loooooong time. I have a goal...that is to live MY life for ME...and no one else. I am going to do this.

Thanks for listening.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

.....and this I WILL DO!!