I changed the greeting on the answering machine. It used to say, "Hello, you've reached [H], [JV], and the boys...blah blah blah." I thought about putting, "...you've reached [JV] and the boys...", but then I remembered that H still hasn't told his family yet, and what if one of his relatives called the house and heard that?!
That's definitely not a can I want to be responsible for opening !
I wonder what H will think when he hears it??? Hmmmm.....
JV
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
Ok. We've come to an agreement on the issue of visitation.
H will have the boys every other weekend and every Tuesday. On his weekends, he will pick the boys up Thursday evening giving him 3-day weekends with them. H burst into tears thanking me.
He seems to think I doubt his love for them. I NEVER have, and I've told him this.......Maybe he feels guilty about his numerous statements in regards to not ever wanting to have had children with me.....????.....I don't know. Just guessing there.
I hope he understands that when we talked of "the boys" that also included the baby going along on his days with them -- not just S9 and S5. I may have to clarify that with H just to be sure.
JV
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
JV That is great that you have come to an agreement.
I really don't think it will be a good thing to hold him to this ultimatum. This is a decision that has to come from him and within his heart. If you force it I believe it will only lead to more anger and resentment on his end.
One thing I have noticed through this separation is that your husband seems to be a GREAT dad. He is taking the kid's and been responsible. He is taking them places and doing things with them. Even spending money on them by taking them places.LOL
One thing I have noticed in your posts is that your husband has a strong desire for you to work. I know the things he says to you is wrong for sure. But JV this seems to be a strong wish of his. Some guys just have this two working spouse expectation. I have also noticed in your posts that he has offfered to watch the kid's while you work. He is also showing what a great job he can do with them and that he enjoys doing it and being with them. It just seems like this must be a big issue you guys fight about a lot. It also seems like one you are very stubborn about and adamant about not doing. I am not siding against you. Just saying this may be something you need to think about and reread some of your posts and think about how negative you may come across to him when this is a strong wish of his. He just feel like you are not listening or you don't care. It may not be he didn't want the baby but that he just was a little upset and taken back at first because that was right at the time you were going to start working. He may feel like there is this huge burden that he has to do all the supporting. Maybe that is why he rebels and goes out and does all the weird things he has been doing. Because deep down he has resentment. i also know the things he says to you about money is not right! He should be a lot more tactful with his words. But for someone with resentment about the wprk issue he may feel well here she is getting a manicure and pedicure and I am paying for that. Or she is out shopping for herself and I am paying for it. Or she wants to go out and buy a gift and I have to pay for it. Again JV not taking sides. Just trying to get you to really think about how he may be feeling because this is such a strong wish of his. I think there are a lot of men and women who feel the same. Because there are so many homes where both parents work.
JV - Just got caught up on your thread, and Wow. I admire your strength. I'm not sure I could have stood up to my XH the way you did your H. I would have caved. Especially on the offer to come home. I hope you know how incredibly strong you really are for doing that. I've got my fingers crossed for you.
I would've loved to let H come home, but I know he's not ready. I can't let him move back home even though he offered because it has to be when H WANTS to. Otherwise, he'll be here and things will just be miserable for the both of us.
The ultimatum.....well what's done is done, and I can't undo it now. If I don't stick with it then I will have lost all credibility. I have to stick to my guns to let H know I'm serious, and I am.
H is a good dad, and he is spending much more time with S9 and S5, but not a whole lot of time with the baby still....but believe me, I WILL make sure that H will have him, too, on his days.
Ok, the job issue again -- cally, I know this. I always have, and I understand that you're not taking sides here.....but H is VERY wishy-washy with this subject himself. He will tell me he DOESN'T want me to work, and he just told me this AGAIN last night....and then money issues will come up....then the resentment comes to light again. So, yes, without a doubt, this is a BIG issue with us, and I've already said that I will go back to work and/or school in another year or two when the baby's older.
If I sound stubborn about it....well I'm sure I am because I get upset and aggravated when he tells me one thing then says another....and again, H told me last night that HE DOES NOT want me to work....but you know what? I'm going to do it for MYSELF in another year or two.
H told me that he's going to be taking a refinery technician training course in about 3 weeks, and it will last for 4 months. He wants to do this to be able to have a stable career and to have a job that actually has benefits. The two jobs he's had in the past 10 years only gave H medical benefits and nothing more.
When he told me this, I told him that this is GREAT, and I am VERY proud of him! H said he's doing it for me and the boys, and I told him that's nice, but do it for HIMSELF. I want H to do something for him so he can be proud of himself. He's taking a class to learn something new, and I told him he should be sooo proud of that! I am!
About his mom -- she was a SAHM until H's dad left, then she HAD to find work because...well...he was a deadbeat dad. I don't know what the laws are in MI, but she never pursued child support or anything. It doesn't seem to matter now though.
Alright. H called me last night after 2am , and we spoke for about an hour. I'll post later about it.
Thanks for listening.
JV
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
I sent an email to my mom and my sisters letting them know about the agreement H and I have made regarding visitation.
My sisters are being relatively cool about it, but my mom is another story .
She's talking about reconciliation and wanting that for me and H. She said my stepdad feels the same way. Ok -- great. But what is REALLY irritating me is that she feels H needs to sit down and have a talk with my stepdad and me, and my stepdad will take on the role of mediator....?????!!!!!......she feels that "XXXX (my stepdad) can set things straight" between H and me.
How is talking to XXXX going to fix things?! Does he have that "magic wand" we all wish we had?! Does he hold the key to the perfect M?!
She said, "H needs to get over himself and the mistakes he's made. No one can change the past. First step - talk to XXXX. He can fix it. "....and she's not letting up. Even P wrote back and said H and I need to work this out without any interference from others.
AAARRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BTW, when I revealed the sitch to my parents, a few days later, my stepdad loaned me his copy of "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura.....which he bought for my mother. He is an avid listener of Dr. Laura's. I don't necessarily disagree with her views, but I didn't appreciate my stepdad coming off like I was doing something wrong. He had said something to the effect of, "It's plain and simple: feed him, love him, give him sex. If you do that, everything else will be ok."
JV
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
Quote: He had said something to the effect of, "It's plain and simple: feed him, love him, give him sex. If you do that, everything else will be ok."
LOL!!!! Well I feed my H, love my husband and I give him a whole lot of sex so WTH is the problem????
And if your step dad does turn out to have THE magic wand I'd appreciate a visit. I'll even put him up and feed him - and he's more than welcome to bring your mom as well.
No advice from me as you seem to be doing things better than most of us could. I'm a mess at the moment anyway....but if you need someone to hit the pubs with just gimme a call.
Take care JV.
Cheers, Scottisheart
P.S. OK, one thing....I'm with your sister - don't involve anyone else if you can help it.
Quote: LOL!!!! Well I feed my H, love my husband and I give him a whole lot of sex so WTH is the problem????
ROFLMAO!!!! I couldn't tell ya, but I'll see if Dr. XXXX can make a house-call. LOL!!!
And hey, I fed my H, too, and still do -- I give him any leftovers I have when he comes by. I love him dearly (always have), but the sex thing....that's a different story. I've wanted it 10 times as much as H had in the past 2 years .
Quote: And if your step dad does turn out to have THE magic wand I'd appreciate a visit. I'll even put him up and feed him - and he's more than welcome to bring your mom as well.
You might want to rethink that! My mother is one very headstrong and opinionated woman .
Quote: No advice from me as you seem to be doing things better than most of us could. I'm a mess at the moment anyway....but if you need someone to hit the pubs with just gimme a call.
Thanks, (((((((Scotti))))))), and I'm sorry to hear that. Just do what you can to take care of yourself, sweetie.
I'm not into beer or hard alcohol, but I'll take a Smirnoff Ice......Ok, make that 4 -- after this afternoon, I reeeeeaaallllllyyyyy need 'em !!!
JV
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
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