As I posted earlier...been super busy at work. It has forced me to wrap my mind around something other than my sitch for a few hours each day. It's a nice escape.
My hectic work, poor sleep, and letting my DB guard down, might be the reason for some minor backslides inside of my head. The only external signs have been a case of the grumpies around my kids once or twice over the past couple of days. It all peaked after a phone convo w/ W last night.
W and her siblings have been battling over putting their father in a nursing home. He should have been there many months ago. W's B is the power of attorney and he won't pull the trigger to get their F in a home. Here is the convo that bothered me:
Me: Would you like me to talk to BIL about putting your dad in the nursing ho...? W: No! It's not your problem anymore. Me: Okay. W: You don't talk to BIL much anymore do you? I mean...you can talk to him if you want to. Me: No. Not for quite a... W: He's mad at me and won't talk to me.
Then she went on to blast her B for everything that he's done wrong reguarding their F and how he's handled W's A. I validated but was a little hurt by the "it's not your problem anymore" statement. I've since shook it off b/c I don't really know what she meant by it. Probably had nothing to do with the state of our R but that's how I took it at first. She also reinforced the knowledge that it really bothers W when I talk to her family. That really sucks too b/c they were some of my closest friends.
W has really cut down the phone convos over the past week or so. We were talking about an hour every day. Now it's only txt messages and if she has to call, she calls D9's phone. When she does call my phone I violate a minor DB guideline and I try to talk for as long as possible. It serves two purposes. 1) I never talked much on the phone w/ W in the past and long chats on the phone is one of her attractions to OM, so it's a change for me that she likes. 2) I think it's bothering OM to see how much W and I talk on his phone bill. It's my pleasure to be any kind of an annoyance to OM.
Otherwise nothing much has changed in my sitch. Trying to be W's best friend. Trying to be a consistant parent with W to D9 and S6. (BTW - Been doing some shopping for clothes and such with the kids. I think this blows W's mind that I would/could do something like this. W sounded mildly miffed this morning when she discovered from S6 that dad bought D9 some clothes. ThatGuy is supposed to be one of her kids, not an independant responsible adult.) I still get signs that W is glad to be my friend, ie. laughter, smiles, and great hugs. No signs of W wanting anything more than friendship.
One step at a time. One more day...
P.S. Maybe I'll go to Orlando to the Champs Bowl game.
I just wanted to stop by and say hi. From what you've written, you are actually doing quite well with your detaching; at least from your W's perspective. I suppose true detachment is when you move on and don't think about them unless they call or you see them. Then it's like a pleasant surprise (hopefully).
Just catching up on your thread. Your wife does seem to be very comfortable in her situation, and you’ve had some realization that maybe it will stay that way. Yet you still support her all you can, talk about her family, etc. I see little reason why she should come back to you now. She’s got the best of both worlds. If I were her, I might be very happy.
I’ve got a question for you. Have you met anyone interesting, some you might to go dinner with? It might put you in a different frame of mind and let her know you can play this game forever. At some point you need to get your own life too. Just my take.
Thanks for dropping by. I'd be way more detached if it wasn't for the kids. Just when I think I can't play the game anymore, W pops in b/c of the kids and reels me in back in.
I've seen you post on other thread that I follow. I'll have to take a browse of your thread sometime. Don't be a stranger.
That whole kid thing reels us back in everytime doesn't it? What can we do; we made the choice to have children and with choice comes responsibilities. Children are the biggest responsibility there is (all children, whether we birthed them or not).
I'll keep a lookout for your posts. Now, I'm off to eat.
I see little reason why she should come back to you now. She’s got the best of both worlds. If I were her, I might be very happy.
You've touched the very thing that I think about most often. Is what I'm doing only prolonging the current sitch?
At some point you need to get your own life too.
I haven't posted much about what I do when W isn't around. I have slowly been GAL. I have a regular Friday night outing (movie and/or drinks or food) with some friends from work. I also spend time with my B and SIL. Then when I have any other free time I'll hang with my oldtime buddy that I've known since we were 5.
It might put you in a different frame of mind and let her know you can play this game forever.
Funny you should mention this. Just this weekend W backslid a tad. It used to bother her (when I first started DBing) when I would go have a good time with friends. She'd drop the typical, "Wish we could have done that sort of thing in the past." I thought she had gotten over it but it's still there. Friday I was feeling like I wanted to drop the rope completely. But for some reason I tried the cheeseless tunnel one last time when W called about kid logistics. I asked W to go to a movie. I laced the question with all kinds of "it's no bid deal", "if you don't want to I understand" blah blah blah. She didn't say yes and she didn't say no, "I'll think about it", "Let me see how my day goes". I knew that meant no. So I arranged my usual Friday with coworkers schedule and made arrangments for someone to watch the kids. W never got back to me.
While I was out D9 calls me about a homework problem. (Who's kid is this doing homework on a Friday night?) Anyway, D9 says she called W and she wasn't any help. I couldn't help over the phone either and said we could work on it in the morning. D9 insisted on finishing when I got home, which was going to be in about an hour. That is exactly what we did.
The next day (Saturday) W shows up around noonish to take kids to her place. She was angry, quiet, very short, and shed some tears. I didn't ask why. I could make many speculations but I don't really care why. When she couldn't even tell me straight out over the phone that she didn't want to go to a stinkin' movie, that's when the rope hit the floor.
I had S6 to myself over the weekend. One of the other things that is usually buzzing around my subconscious is that OM is never mentioned by anyone. Does that mean he's not around anymore? Well S6 said OM's name about half a dozen times this weekend. "OM has a pancake cooker like ours." "You weigh the same as OM." "Why don't you help BIL and OM with their race car?" It really didn't bother me. More like a relief. Then Sunday I'm picking up the kids at W's and SIL is there. First time I've seen her in months so I got a huge hug from her. When SIL left I had to move my truck out of her way. SIL wanted to talk to me out by our vehicles but W was watching us like a hawk. As SIL drove past me she said a few things about how she didn't understand how W can live a double life, and that I should move on with my life. She couldn't believe that I was still wearing my ring. I was embarrassed. I felt like a fool. A few minutes later the kids and I left for home. W asked if I was mad about something. I just said I was hungry and tired.
Later that night I get a txt msg from W that says "Goodnight everyone!" Usually I reply back nicely. This time I couldn't play the game anymore so I ignored her txt msg. An hour later W called. I chatted nicely just to be polite. The reason I'm being polite is different now. Talking to W feels like talking to my neighbor down the street.
Then I come to work after a nice three day weekend and I read Cobra's post. You read me pretty well, Cobra.
I'll post later on meeting someone interesting. <tease> <tease>
I only have a few minutes before I have to leave work so heere goes another futile attempt at a brief post.
Cobra asked about meeting interesting people...
I'm not sure if you meant "female" people or just people in general. At first read I thought "female". Well all interesting female people I meet are usually unavailable. There's no way I'm going to be remotely mistaken for an OM so I avoid any women that are attached. Now that being said, here's some back ground on the most interesting people I've met...
Back a few years, when W and I were just fine (in my world), W was a little jealous of one of my coworkers. Being the naive dummy that I was, I had no idea what W was talking about. I work in a company (software design) where 90% of the employees are male. We had one fellow female developer that liked to chat with me and a couple other less geeky programmers. She was married, nice, kind of plain looking, has three kids and liked to talk about her disfunctional life. W and I even went out with her and her husband, with a third couple to eat and stuff. Well W didn't like how female coworker (FC) and I got along. I guess this could have been a bit of an EA. At the time I didn't think an A was possible without wanting to have sex. FC was married (happily I thought) and not anywhere near as hot as my W. So what could W be so worried about? This was all months if not years before W's A.
Years later, a week or two before I got the bomb, I asked FC if she ever suspected her S of messing around. I had some suspitions about W but thought "No way!" When I asked FC she was totally surprised that someone in a M as perfect as mine would have to worry about infidelity. FC then tells clueless me that she is S from her H. At first a total surprise to me but then I thought about it wasn't that much of a surprise. Her husband was as clueless as me if not more, plus he was a lazy bum.
A couple weeks later I'm really wondering about my M problems (no bomb yet) because it's been months since we've ML. What was wrong with me? Did I smell? Does my nose hair need trimming? (So clueless was I.) So I had a chance to ask FC if there was something wrong with me that would make a woman not want to have sex with me. Would she ever think of having sex with me. This sounds dumb now but I guess I just looked at her as a friend. Sort of like When Harry met Sally. Deep down I guess I hoped she'd say yes let's do it, even though I wasn't asking to actually have sex with her. Just did she find me attractive? Nothing happened. She even said that she hadn't considered having sex with me before. She looked at me and asked what was going on with me and W?
The bomb dropped the very next weekend.
FC has been a very close friend ever since the bomb. FC no longer works at my office. She is D and is dating another coworker that I consider a good friend of mine. Since her D, FC has changed the way she dresses and presents herself. If she wasn't dating my friend, I would be very interested in taking her out to dinner.
End of back ground.
FC and her boyfriend are the friends that I go to movies with and eat with regularly. FC still bothers W. Ever since the day I told W that FC no longer works with me, W has had a different attitude about FC.
I wish FC had some girl friends that she could introduce me to but she is a magnet to disturbed women so for my protection she won't even let her friends near me.
That wasn't very brief and I could go on but I'll stop here.
Does that put a different spin out there for everyone or does that fit right in with the pathetic impression of ThatGuy's life?
Feeling a little down today. Woke up this morning and it seemed like the right time to finally remove my wedding ring. I guess it's part of the final rope drop as it sits in the spare change dish on my dresser.
I'm also reflecting today on my convo with the Schwan's man. Of all people, right? I took Friday off from work and the Schwan's man stopped by. We really had a good talk for about 30 minutes. He brought up some really good points about being up front and honest with people. He was applying it to his interaction with customers, but it is a good policy for M too that W and I failed and continue to fail terribly at.
Some more factoids...
FIL is finally going to a nursing home in December.
My mom is having her knee replaced today so the kids and I will go visit her this evening at the hospital. Last night (as she was fighting off some tears) W said she would come to town to visit my mom today.
Later I'll post a picker-upper list of "good things" to think about like flaneur suggested on bigAl's thread.
Thought I'd post the lyrics to my latest theme song.
KEITH URBAN - You'll Think Of Me
I woke up early this morning around 4am With the moon shining bright as headlights on the interstate I pulled the covers over my head and tried to catch some sleep But thoughts of us kept keeping me awake Ever since you found yourself in someone else's arms I've been tryin' my best to get along But that's OK There's nothing left to say, but
Take your records, take your freedom Take your memories I don't need'em Take your space and take your reasons But you'll think of me And take your cat and leave my sweater 'Cause we have nothing left to weather In fact I'll feel a whole lot better But you'll think of me, you'll think of me
I went out driving trying to clear my head I tried to sweep out all the ruins that my emotions left I guess I'm feeling just a little tired of this And all the baggage that seems to still exist It seems the only blessing I have left to my name Is not knowing what we could have been What we should have been So
Take your records, take your freedom Take your memories I don't need'em Take your space and take your reasons But you'll think of me And take your cat and leave my sweater 'Cause we have nothing left to weather In fact I'll feel a whole lot better But you'll think of me
Someday I'm gonna run across your mind Don't worry, I'll be fine I'm gonna be alright While you're sleeping with your pride Wishing I could hold you tight I'll be over you And on with my life
The ironic thing is that W played this CD over and over during the weeks before the bomb. I thought "what a downer song" at that time, and who is this Keith Urban flash in the pan? Well I'm stealing it for myself now and he's one of my favorites too. So there!
