I'll preface this by saying I'm okay, just venting, and I won't let it affect my PMA over the next few days.
Just got off the phone with W. We were chatting about tonight's parent teacher conferences and other less important things. I asked W what her plans were for the weekend. (I'd like to do a 180 and invite some people over this weekend to watch football. It's my turn and usually W was the one to organize any kind of gathering at our house. I hoped that W would have the kids at her place this weekend since they are at mine all week.) W says she "has plans" for Saturday night. I wondered if that would happen (which is why I asked). If you recall, OM and BIL drive a racecar together. Saturday night is the end-of-the-year banquet for the racetrack. I've been wondering for weeks if OM would have the b@lls to invite W. It's going to be a great night for BIL. He does not support W's A at all.
W has been a tad cold and withdrawn this week. Now I know why. She has again started to ask if she can use the shower at the house, and if it is okay if she stays overnight when she has to work in town the next day. The previous few weeks she just helped herself without asking.
Just wanted to get that out of my system. Now I'm Mr. "As if" for next few days.
Had a strange weekend. Played single dad the entire time (except for the final couple hours). Tried not to think about what W was doing. Tried to prepare myself mentally for W coming to stay at the house for a day or two since the kids don't have school Mon or Tues. It's much easier to shrug off any negative thoughts these days compared to 6 months ago. Don't know if I'm just getting used to the whole sitch or I'm getting stronger b/c of DBing. Probably each of the above.
It's hard to GAL when you have the kids 24/7. It has been over 2 weeks since both of the kids have been gone at the same time. One or both always have something going on here in town during the weekends so I always have at least one of them. I'm done coaching soccer for the season so I've lost that GAL item. I'm not complaining that I have the kids a lot but it adds to the difficulty of working toward any GAL goals. I don't think it affects my PMA one way or another except when the kids ask about something W said she was going to do. I never know what to say b/c one never knows if the kids misunderstood or W is just blowing them off.
D9 had her first visit to the C today. According to W it was a good visit and D9 is looking forward to the next appointment. W said she didn't pry at all into what D9 told the C. She felt it should be up to D9 to choose what to tell us about any content of her talks with the C. I agree. W and I will be having a couple meetings with the C at a later time to discuss D9. I think W is hoping that D9's C will help D9 accept what W is doing. I don't think D9 is going to accept W's actions, but she will know how to handle her feelings about W better. Those are two completely different outcomes.
Sunday night while drifting off to sleep, I finally consciously admitted to myself, that W is slowly drifting away from me and there is nothing I can do about it. No amount of 180's and other hand waving are going to make her turn around. All I can do is be me. Any 180's I do have to be for me, myself, and I. It is completely up to her to figure out what she is going to do in her life. A far as I'm concerned we are D. The state and/or county just doesn't know it yet.
The imitation niceness will probably continue but I have zero expectations of it ever leading back to a real M. Probably about the time the holiday's start I will finally have the gonads to remove my ring.
This morning I read the following on bigAl's thread from Burgbud...
Quote: When you look at the possible R between W and Om, do you see something good? Do you see a wonderful R that will likely progress into the loving, long-term committed R that you wanted with W? Or do you see two people who aren't quite emotionally healthy reaching out to fill some sort of void? It sucks because their issues have spilled over into your life and caused you trouble that you don't deserve. But it's almost as easy to feel sorry for them as to be angry with them. And once in a while it's possible to say about the WAS, "Go ahead and be unhealthy with somebody else. I need my space to heal so I can become as emotionally healthy as my next parter is going to be."
Yup.
Burgbud, too bad K-State couldn't knock off CU this weekend.
Burgbud, too bad K-State couldn't knock off CU this weekend.
Dude. I think that's another gift W's given me; something to be legitimately upset about instead of being pissed that a college football team had a game tied in the final minute then fumbled a punt to put the nation's best college kicker in position to nail a 50 yard field goal with 6 seconds left and win the game. Thanks W!
Actually, this letting go business is working well enough that I might be more upset about the game right at the moment. Sheesh.
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
Battling to stay detached. There seems to be an inverse ratio involved here. The harder I try to stay detached and/or increase my detachment, the harder it is to stay detached. This means my detaching is working? Maybe not?
Here is why detaching gets more difficult. W is getting more and more comfortable around me as I detach. She treats me like her brother now. We have a close R but there appears to be no desire on W's part to make the R romantic. I get the impression that she thinks I've accepted the sitch "as is" and that I'm now okay with her A. There is never any R talk at all. She avoids it always. So OM never gets mentioned. I think she makes up lies so as to avoid talking about him. W never brings up the D word either. Is she liking the current sitch so much that she doesn't want to risk disrupting it?
The more I detach the friendlier W gets and the sexier she gets. This makes me want to reach out to her so much. I know if I move toward her she'll run the other way b/c that's what has happened every other time I try that cheeseless tunnel. Will she ever get close enough that she'll want to cross over that romantic line? She avoids most any chance she has to be alone with me or around me for long periods of time. Does she not trust herself to resist my manly charm?
W is driving me crazy with some of her latest changes. She's growing her hair longer. I always wanted her to do that in the past. D9 said the other day that W has bought some thong underwear. She always felt uncomfortable wearing those in the past. These are things she now feels comfortable enough to flaunt in front of me (not the actual thongs but the fact that she's trying them now).
I sometimes worry that I'm DBing too well and that she's glad I'm moving on. Contrary to my external appearance of GAL and confidence that looks like I'm happy with the sitch, I want her to direct some of her great passion towards me.
To sum this whole post up...the more I detach, the more attractive she is, making it more difficult to detach.
I don't think it's matter of W thinking you're OK with the A, though who knows exactly what's in her mind. And since we don't know, don't try to guess.
Is she "liking" the sitch so as to not disturb it? Again, who knows... but I'd think it's more along the lines of it saves her from having to do anything but keep the status quo you're establishing, thus making her more comfortable.
What I'd really like to say though is that in thinking these things, you're putting the focus of your mind on her a lot, and that may be the reason why your detachment isn't as detached as you'd like it to be. She may be comfortable because of that, but it also sounds like what detachment you do achieve is actually making her uncomfortable in a sense, because:
The more I detach the friendlier W gets and the sexier she gets.
So it's actually causing her to pursue you some all the same. Which, in turn:
makes me want to reach out to her so much.
Which you know, if you act on that and draw close to her in turn:
she'll run the other way
So, this tells you to do what works, which is to stay detached when she pursues.
Will she ever get close enough that she'll want to cross over that romantic line?
What is this with you and romance???? Think about this: why are you looking for romance?
Does she not trust herself to resist my manly charm?
Who knows? That's not an issue anyway, you stud you.
W is driving me crazy with some of her latest changes. She's growing her hair longer. I always wanted her to do that in the past. D9 said the other day that W has bought some thong underwear. She always felt uncomfortable wearing those in the past. These are things she now feels comfortable enough to flaunt in front of me.
These can be aspects of her she wasn't comfortable acting on before, even tho they would've been welcome. But in any event, don't paint it as "flaunting". It just is what it is. When you start giving it these colors, you do yourself a disservice.
I sometimes worry that I'm DBing too well and that she's glad I'm moving on.
Don't assume what she's thinking. Go with the actions that are demonstrated: You're DBing well, detaching, and she in turn is pursuing some.
I want her to direct some of her great passion towards me.
So detach some more and see what happens. But do put these thoughts (as they become desires for you and serve to frustrate you) on the back burner for now.
To sum this whole post up
To sum it up, I'd say that it appears your difficulty with detachment is because you want her romantic, passionate self back, and it's playing on you. You can only control yourself, Guy, so if you can get a handle on that by focusing more on your own self and your own independent life, rather than her and what you'd like to se happen and assuming what she's thinking, she'll likely keep respond by drawing closer.
To sum it up, I'd say that it appears your difficulty with detachment is because you want her romantic, passionate self back, and it's playing on you. You can only control yourself, Guy, so if you can get a handle on that by focusing more on your own self and your own independent life, rather than her and what you'd like to se happen and assuming what she's thinking, she'll likely keep respond by drawing closer.
That's pretty much what I was trying to say in my disjointed rambling way. Wish I could get my thoughts onto my post more clearly within the five minutes of free time I have to type it out.
I don't think about her and the sitch every minute of the day. There are only fleeting thoughts that pop into my head at a stop light, or while waiting for a compile to link, or when I meet W to swap kids from her vehicle to mine. <Poof> Then it's back to the real world.
The more I detach the friendlier W gets and the sexier she gets.
So it's actually causing her to pursue you some all the same.
This is one of the very few things that still causes me a tiny moment of anxiety. Maybe I'm just catching a glimpse of these things, and they are all really directed toward OM? Yes, I know - nothing I can do about it. I want to be confident so I shove the thought out of my mind in an instant.
What is this with you and romance???? Think about this: why are you looking for romance?
Not sure romance is the word I really meant. I just want to be close to someone. I hang with friends and family, and spend tons of quality time with my kids, but it doesn't satisfy my wanting to close to someone. I have learned something here on this board...romance, passion, intimacy, affection, and sex are all very different things. They were always synonymous to me before the bomb. I'd like to put my new found knowledge to use sometime. Preferabley with W.
So detach some more and see what happens. But do put these thoughts (as they become desires for you and serve to frustrate you) on the back burner for now.
That's exactly what I intend to keep doing along with some venting here as usual.
I've got a few things that have been floating around in my head that I want to jot down here so I don't have to think about them anymore:
1.) Wednesday is W's birthday. I'm not too worked up about what to get her. Officially I won't get her anything, but the kids will give her some gifts and I'll have the majority of the input on their gifts. I'll be mirroring what W did on my b-day - some friendly "Happy Birthday" calls from me and then the gifts from the kids.
2.) Back a few weeks I launched a plan to communicate a lot with W via the phone. Since her phone is on OM's plan, he would be able to see how much W and I talk. For the past week or two we have accumulated at least an hour of talk time every day. Suddenly last Friday W switched to txt msg me for things she used to call about. Makes me wonder if my plan is working. Hmmmm.
3.) Saw this posted on another thread and it hit home with me... When I look for what has made the OM such a compelling target for my wife, it is undoubtably the fact that she perceives him as making no demands on her (YET!), that he just loves her and wants her to be happy. ...from her perspective he is an ideal love, no expectations, no baggage, just affection, admiration, support, etc.
My attempts at detaching (just being the improved me), my conversations with W, and my increased length of phone call time, are hopefully helping me to switch rolls with OM.
I have been quite busy with work so not much time to post.
I feel your FB pain. The team that screwed up last was going to be the loser of that game. How many ways can two teams give away a football game? Yeesh!
Good to hear about your weekend on your new thread (I just found it today).
