Have you thought about finding a counselor for your kids? We take ours and I think it helps. They don’t like to go, but the counselor said the more they resist, the stronger the message that they have something to process.
My wife started taking them on her own, but I got upset that she was painting this picture of me as the evil one causing all the problems, when I saw it exactly the other way around. So I have taken to attending the meetings too, just to keep the perspective balanced.
Hard to say exactly what visible effect all this has on the kids, but they do seem to understand that none of our fighting is their fault, which is probably the most important thing. Otherwise kids will begin to internalize the guilt and fault themselves. Also, I don’t know how much worse things could be for them if they weren’t going.
One other thing, if your wife knows the kids are going, and I think it fair that she knows, she might get a little curious about what is being said about her and decide to sit in too. This will create cause for arguments, but in the end I think getting things out in the open is ultimately healthier.
